now ive got to explain

hey! so christmas break has been crazzzzy! good times but of course hard with the holidays and eating and alcohol etc. well. i think half of the days ive done well and half ive been off the rocker alittle haha. yesterday was a particularly low point. but im back & im just praying i didnt gain 50 billion pounds. and i am working on developing a game plan for this week cause really i cant do this anymore. ive been good today, tomorrow will be like today, new years eve i wont eat much which isnt too hard because i dont think im even going to my aunts, just out in the city. so ill drink but not much eating during the day. obviously gym in the morning. then the next day i am going to my aunts bt i cant get out of control. maybe ill tell myself i can pick one dessert. then the weekend shouldnt be too bad, if i drink i eat less than i would normally, etc. i need to be in control of this & i will be :)

im still trying to decide if i will weigh myself wednesday or just wait for friday or saturday. that might be the best bet, especially if i just drink wednesday & really scale back thursday. but we'll see.

the good thing is i look & feel just as skinny as before the food debauchery. so im figuring the damage cant be too bad.... but sometimes its silent & deadly. also ive been working out like a fiend so at least i can say that about myself lol

shake shake shake your money makkkerrrr!

its finally christmas break! i was so happy but now im kinda blah. i dunno. kind of annoyed for unrelated reasons... then of course i overate. not insane at all but still. just a little bit & i only burned 200 cal at the gym today. it was crazy, its TOM & i had two hours of sleep last night, plus terrible final today and papers to hand in. read: EXCUSES. bleh., well im not gonna get down on myself but i really really hope it doesnt ruin my WI friday. and im thinkng maybe i should go to the gym but im tired & i already took a shower & am in my pjs. ugh

i just gotta make a point to be SUPER in control this break....

IMPORTANTTT

taking my own advice

SO ! i need to get my booty to el gymnasio LIKE now. haha. im just being lazy AS PER USUAL lately! sheesh. i dont know why i get like this after dark. its lammeee and i gotta get my butt into gear if i want good things to come :) i knoww i want to succeed or whatever but im in the weird lull again where its like 1-2 lbs is okay! trying to skate by on whatever energy i can muster up, and its not me, and its not cool!

IM GOING TO THE GYMMMMMM!!

like i mean it ;)

hey noowwww

woo!what a great weekend i had lol. first off i went home on friday and hung out w/ ktb all night, and portioned what i ate & controllled myself! that was awesome. and then yesterday i weighed in at 204.4! i lost 3 lbs last week. i just hope i keep this up! woo!

THATS IT.

thats it. im taking the control back. im not letting one slip up ruin my whole week. after these christmas claymations are over i am going to the gym & im going to work those evil calories off my thighs. the end. no arguments. i know whats best for me, and stuffing my face is SO not it. ONLY YOU HOLD YOU BACK!

submerging... errr

okay sooo ive been ravenous this half of the day... i went to the gym after class, but only burned 600 calories. told myself id go back later. i ate awesome salad, pickles, and then decided i NEEdEd to give into my sweet craving and went to the dining hall & heisted two sugar cookies and some frozen yogurt. so im up to 1875 calories! i KNOW its pretty bad. well . its not like im gaining any weight fromthis but im certainly not really losing any. but the worst part is now that ive semi-blown it in my eyes im seriously considering going to the store and blowing it some more. bleh! im trying to talk myself out of it but at the same time another part of me is talking me into it. uhghh. i know i shouldnt but i want to eat! i just feel like sitting here and eating. UGH. and i guess isnce ive already gone wayy over my normal calorie intake i just feel like there sno reason to hold on. bleh! but i know thats stupid. and i really want to have a good WI. but then im also like well if i eat alot i can always live on jello tomorrow and hit the gym that much harder.... i know its a crock imjust trying to sell myselfbut i want so badly to believe that i can get away with it.

ill let you know if the proverbial shoulder-angel or shoulder-devil wins. BOO

slightly drowning

ugh i feel like crappp right now! i havent gone to the gym yet today and maYbe its affecting my mood too. but yeahhh i dont feel well. and its a nasty day out, and its the last day of classes , and im so unmotivated. also i ate myweight in clementines so im realllly full. :( and i only have like 150 calories left for the entire day cause i just HAd to finish the entire box of clementines. so dumb.

i gotta rally though, if i dont ill just ... ? haha.

hmmmm

so my goal of losing 5 lbs this week may be alittle ambitious lol. im still feeling alittle bit under the weather, its weird. hopefully im working through it. BUT im not saying its impossible. i at least want to be under 205. and i feel like thats doable. i told myself i'd burn 2000 calories today and the first gym visit was awesome & i burned the first half, but then by the time 8 rolled around and it was time for the second go-round, i could barely manage 100 . but i pulled it through and burned 700. sooo my new goal is 1,700 a day. its manageable but still not too much that i faint.

:)

im in control!

okay my goal this week is to lose 5 lbs! 202.4 . it can be done, i KNOW it. i just have to work extreeeemely hard. and put my nose to the grindstone. lol. whatever the ffff that means. well. we know what it means. ANYWAYS. yeah. 5 lbs. boo yah. its happening. hold your breaths. im gonna blow your mind.

i may have overdone it with the coffee . lol. okay im off to the gym shortly, then im gonna do laundry and head over to teh library to spend the rest of the night being educationally productive. i know. crazzzzy. but im determined to rule this week and not let it rule me. im only 3 lbs less than i was this time last year and thats kind of depressing. but its also a reminder that i can backslide into crap if i let myself. and i just cant this time . its not happening. :)

you wonder if you'll ever find yo dreamz

blehhh. this weekend is going to suckkk! im staying up here in boston and ive got nothing to do for the next 48 hours. besides a few gym trips. ugh. i just wish the semester was over, especially because i have no willpower to do ANYTHING resembling work. in fact im in the library now trying to but it aint happening and im not forcing it. BLEHHHH AGAIN.

i just have such a stretch of time ahead of me with nothing to do! i need a hobby in the worst way. and im like... semi-sick. i dunno. its weird. im sorta stuffy and mild cough. and energy is drained. bleh. sooo even the gym is no comfort to me. its like i know i cant make it there longer than an hour so its not an activity like it usually is. usually the gym is the best part of my day, thats my hobby. not when im sick. boo. and im weighing myself tomorrow so i cant even really eat that much today.

jenny & ktb might visit tomorrow but probably not... i almost feel like i should run home even just for a day but i got no money.... BOOoooooOOOOoooo

i can do anything

soo this morning i sneak weighed myself and i was at 210. not too horrible, considering, i have to say. of course, *TMI alert* i havent gone #2 in a day or two and i didnt eat light yesterday, so im probably more like 208. also its only wednesday sooo ive still got three days to make a dent in it! but if im 208 on saturday ill take it. its not terrible. my real goal is to fit into my size 14 jcrew jeans by christmas. i even wrapped them up and everything. :)

plus im staying up in boston this weekend, so i know i wont go crazy at home. no alcohol. i really drank ALOT last week, it was out of control lol. well mostly friday. but yeah im sure thats still in my system. i gotta step up the calorie-burn, i already burned 1050 today so im in a good spot right now. woooo. i just wanna change.

COMEBACK TIME BABY

whoa so thanksgiving week was insane. i mean. i just let go and ... i dont even know what was running through my head half the time. but anyway, im ready to shake it all off and get back to the basics.

this week im back into it 100%, im going to cut carbs almost completely out of my diet. im talking eggs and fruit, hello. and gym like i mean it again. i want me back!!! ahhh.
cant wait :)

oh man.

i blew it.

im going to regret this so much next friday.
eep.

sighhhhh.

sooo happy thanksgiving! a day known for eating like a pig.... lol. well im not HUGE on thanksgiving food so it might not be too distastrous. or disastrous at all. im trying to think about my game plan. tomorrow is my usual WI day... but ive been terrible since ive been home :( im so dumb. i dont know why i let myself do this... but i cautionarily weighed in today and im up like 5 pounds. uhh not good. i was also sick the past two weeks so that could be why i lost so much in the first place.. ugh. im just trying to think if i should even bother to WI tomorrow or not. i think im leaning towards not. like... its just bad news, and at this point theres nothing i can do to change it, with less than 24 hours and its THANKSGIVING! honestly... im probably going to skip WI. but i dont want that to make today a freeforall. why should it be? its not that big of a holiday and most of my relatives are goign to their in-laws this year so its just the grandparents. im just gonna eat normally but i dont want to weigh in. i dont need any reason to drag myself int he dust. im not going to crash & burn this weekend, either. promise yourself! ah.

something's better on the other side

i woke up in a really weird mood. i feel like ive fallen into a hole of depression. blehhhh.,not cool. i also binged like mad last night :( i dont know whats wrong with me lately. and im home for thanksgiving break and this should make me ecstatically happy but honestly i miss my apartment! i feel a little smothered living with 6 other people.... even though i havent really seen anyone today. i can feel them in the house.haha. i dunno i dont feel like myself today. :( im hoping i can turn that around by going to the gym, hopefully my mood'll shift. i really dont want this to be how the entire week is going to go.

why can't i snap out of it?

urghh

fighting with myself again. boredom is KILLING me. i want to eat eat eat. chocolate, cookies, ice cream,yumm. umm. the only thing keeping me from doing that is the fact that i would have to leave the apartment to get any of that. which is lucky enough... but i really might do it. ugh. its so annoying because i want to do both. but i know to eat it all is a mistake... but honestly the want is pretty strong. ugh this is so lame!

... im torn. i really shouldnt fuck up, should i?

bleh. its not really worth it.. im kind of scared that if i dont get it out of my system im going to fuck up royally this week.

im not going to start now, thats for damn sure.

the kitchen is clooooooooooooosed.

WOWOWOWOWOW!

WOW! im so glad i held out!!! somehow i stepped on the scale this morning and was 204.9!! its unbelievable! i have no idea how i managed to lose 3.9 lbs this week, but i dont care how! haha. im so happy it wasnt a gain but this was an insane loss. its kind of crazy to think of how many weeks i worked my ass off at the gym & only lost a lb... and this week im sick and barely stay alive but i lose almost 4 lbs. its crazy. crazy AWESOME!

:) ahhhh!

now all i gotta do is hang tight onto it til thanskgiving... my goal was 205... i already made it! i just gotta not screw it up... i think i can handle it :)

struggleuggleugglin

ahh! im dying . im sooooooooooooo over sitting around & watching tv. SO over it. ive been doing that all week and its getting quite old. i still am not better, though, its crazy. im battling with myself so hard to not run out & buy junk food and eat it all. i have to WI tomorrow, its not worth it. repeat this to yourself. NOT WORTH IT! there is a tomorrow, then i can eat all the crap i want. not likem thats a good idea either...b ut whatever. judge not.

i can make it, i can make it, i can hold out..... grrrrr this is so hard. :( and im lonely as hellll whcih doesnt help.

the storm is coming, yeah

bleh. im still sick!! its unbelievable. i gotta check the record books cause i mayyy be elligible...

okay not true. actually when i think about it ive only been sick for 9 days. BUT STILL! thats a longggg time for me.

over it!

i didnt drag myself to the gym this morning (although be proud, i made it to EVERY class!!!!!) and im not sure if i can drum up enough energy to go tonight either, though i said i would. my energy levels have already crashed. im soo over being sick , its kind of robbed me of my willpower & running my own life haha. i feel like... wow, did i really go to the gym twice a day and was so in control? now im just worried about not overeating... its definitely put alot of emphasis back on the calorie intake and food control and its not cool. its driving me nuts in fact. i miss the gym! im probably going to force myself to go there tonight.. but thats always easy to say when its "later" haha. not now,, later.... i shouldve gone this morning i guess. though i dont know when since i went to my classes.

sigh.

tomorrow's friday, but im weighing myself on saturday because im not going home this weekend, so what the hell and also i was not good monday & ESP tuesday so i just want to put it off as long as possible. but this scares me because although i feel just as slim as before the binge i dont know... bodies do crazy things... i couldnt really accoutn for the 3.4 loss last week so what if it just decides to pop back up? i told myself i wouldnt mind if i gained a lb but ... i lied lol i want to at least stay at 208. especially since my thanksgiving dream is 205. oh man.

i wanna get back on track! go away sickness. im sure itll be gone by tomorrow or at least saturday i should be back in the groove.

okay i have nothing more to say :) POSITIVE VIBES! my new goal is to be sickeningly optimistic no matter what reality says lol

think positive...

whew. sooo yeah. i woke up thinking i was much better today, but i soon realized im STILL SICK. ugh!!! but anyway first i went to the gym for a half hour, so at least i got that done. but it really sucks that i am still effing sick. bleh. i only burned 500 calories too ... but im not sure if ill be making it back there for a second time today. maybe ill drag myself over there but it kinda sucks to be at the gym when you're sick.

i really dont know why i ate so much yesterday. i guess yeah it was a lot due to boredom. lame i know. hopefully once i get over this sickness i wont be sick for like EVER. cause thats what really threw me off track. i wouldnt be bored if i was going to the gym & classes as usual. oh well.

so im laying low today, hoping i feel better tomorrow, so that i can really work it out. im staying up here this weekend since im going home next week early for thanksgiving break (oh thatll be a fun challenge). so im gonna probably weigh myself on saturday just in case my little fuckup yesterday really ruins my week. which i really hope it wont. *crosses fingers* im so close to onderland now i just dont want to ruin it. ahhh!

fat pigs write blogs too

ughhh. i am such a pig! i totally binged tonight out of boredom & patheticocity. i dunno. i just feel like crap now & i knew i would, thats the kicker. i dont want to be fat . :( i shouldnt have done this obviously but yeah. it happens. i really wish i could find a way that it would never ever happen but this is me. i am a binge eater. i am a food addict. what can i do? i wish it wasnt me so bad. i would kill to be someone who really doesnt need to eat, just does it to live. its crazy. :\ anyway whatever. i am starting over tomorrow. i am going to drag myself to the gym even if i am still sick. i dont care, this flu cant rule me anymore. people will have to deal with my cough. toughhhhh.


my best friend katie is getting surgery on thursday. she's getting the lap band. its crazy. its cool for her & im really glad shes getting this opportunity, but still its crazy to think about. in fact i really havent thought about it much. i think i thought about nicky's when she got her gastric bypass way more. like with katie i keep forgetting. i dunno! sometimes im jealous. like. i am not elligible to get any of the surgeries anymore. and obviously thats a great thing! but i dunno sometimes... days like this... ive only just broken out of my plateau ... i feel like it takes me sooo long to get anywhere & then i fucking binge & ruin where ive gotten. so theyre the same way but by getting the surgeries theyre able to stop it more concretely. all i can do is hope i can control myself. its terrible. i hate this!!! urghghhghg. i feel like a fat slob.
thats terrible. i hate admitting that.

i hate feeling this way about myself. i miss feeling proud and happy with my body & my athleticism & where ive gotten! i thought this fall i would feel lie that again, like i did last fall but so far no i still feel like shit.

i feel like a failure.

checking in

UGHHH. hello, im sick with the flu. thats my identity right now. its terrible ive been sick since tuesday last week, which seems "short" but omgggg its been like an eternity. i am miserable. & the worst of its over, i cant believe i made it through the weekend. but at this point honestly i keep thinking im going to wake up & its going to be gone, but im still sick day after day. what am i going to do tomorrow when i have 3 classes to contend with? i cant keep skipping , im basically all out of skips at this point. :( i havent gone to the gym or worked out since last tuesday. the funny part is i actually lost weight last week, 208.8! the only good part of this past 7 days. and that was a shock. whatever. i just want to be healthy. fuck all this.

woohoo!

i went to the gym! i noticed i could only perform at about 67% but hey, at least i went. i am PRAYING that i get better ! i hate being sick & its weird because usually im only sick twice a year. literally. once in the winter, once in the summer. so twice in the fall alone is no good. its such BS that they havent found a cure for the common cold yet, hates ittt.

blehhh

this week is killing me :( i am so stressed and i feel like im falling apart mentally emotionally everythingally. who am i?! im losing myself in the shuffle again. this is no good.

its just frustrating me because im caught. i didnt even go to the gym yesterday at all & today i only burned 750 & i havent gone for the second time yet. im trying to motivate myself to go later. the funny thing about it is i DO want to workout, but i also DONT. so im miserable staying home its not evne like i get satisfaction from indulging in my laziness, yet i feel like it would be a huge hassle to get up & walk out the door. i feel like an imposter in my own life. and im just really scared im not going to lose weight. ever. again. i know this might be stupid its all UP TO ME but i mean... "me" is being stupid right now.

i just want to drink me some wine!

oh man. another crazzzyyy good weekend. but alot of caloric & alcoholic damage- this time i excersized both days though so im thinking that will counteract some of it.

i woke up alittle hungover today and so didnt go crazy with working out but i took an hr 3 mile walk. i figured id go to the gym after coming back here but honestly i dont want to!! im sooo tired & i dunno. maybe im being a lazy idiot.

i dont care. i dont feel good.

i am hopeful for this week's WI though. i think i should see a good loss. i also should get my period soon though soooo idk. ahhh. we'll see.

i promised

last night america voted OBAMA for its next president. not my choice at all but hey. people want "change" lets see if it adds up to anything more than a dollar.

im kind of thinking it might create more racial strife, i just hope he doesnt get assassinated bcause yeahhh then hell is going to come , & we're officially done as a country.

anyway. whateverrrr. McCain gave an awesome concession speech :)

so this week looks like its going in the right direction so far. i burned 3,000 monday, 1,500 yesterday & today so far im up to 1,800. i havent gone to the gym #3 yet but im about to at 11- first i wanted to sit on my butt for a couple hours & watch real world road rules. ahha. idk i guess im always a lazy chubster at heart. although i promised myself i would go to the gym after & wrack up some more calories, i think im aiming for 3,000 but we'll see, i might just die after 2,500. one of those will be met though, woot.

i guess im just apprehensive about how much i effffing weigh. i dont know! i dont know how last week went, because the scale got fucked, i dont know how much damage i did last weekend either. im just nervoussss. but hopeful. just gotta think positive. im probably going home friday after class because we are 97% having a party next friday for nicky & i gotta go to classes SOMETIME. i still havent bought a new scale because im a reeetard, i didnt feel like going last sunday. uhh-dumb. but im thinking ill weigh myself saturday & just be totally good friday as if its a thursday., i know i shouldnt be nervous about that part because hello im in charge of what i put in my mouth but am i really? im a food addict! you never know what im liable to do. so we'll see, i may just run out tomorrow night & get one. but then again the saturday might give me an extra day to lose. ah.

i can do anything :)

:) yay today was a good day., or maybe it kinda just ended good. that may be it. ANYWAYs i was sooo tired when i woke up today, bleh. i went to class & then started feeling ill. idk i just didmt feel right. theres no way i was still hungover from saturday because i wasnt even hungover all that much on sunday & i wasnt THAT schwasted but yeah my body just took a beatin this weekend & i think it wasnt over it. i understand why it was mad, i went way too crazy. not cool. so anyway i went to the gym but cut it in half & only burned 500 calories. i skipped class & got sushi, even though at first i was planning on not eating many calories at all today. then i figured nah id just jump inot the excersize routine 100% and keep the calroies up so i dont burn out. i actually took a nap before my history class, whcih was really nice, & then i was up & ready to kill it. went to the gym & burned 1300. then i went home & ate dinner, then my second workout i burned 1200 more. making a grand total of 3,000. WOOOOOOO. :) so im really proud of it, i just hope i can get back into the swing of things.

like afte r this weekend (and also after last week i guess was draining & i felt like my diet took a backseat to school) i almost was feeling like i was so off track & that i could never get back the way it was. i hate feeling so unmotivated. but today something triggered in me and i felt like success is totally possible. i feel reenergized about it & im just going to keep my head down and work . IT. OUT. and then whatever happens on the scale this week i have to take it in stride and realize if its not a loss than it was because of my slip-up last weekend. it can be undone. and you can bet on one thing, i wont be making the same mistake this weekend, thats for sure. nothings worth screwing it all up!

in other news we're about to elect a new president and string cheese rules my life.

the space between what's wrong & right

where to start where to start. i guess explaining my last post. i actually didnt end up going because i had a mysterious rash on my leg that i miscalculated the pain of. but anyway. much of last week was INSANE. i spent a shiitttload of time in the library writing papers & esp thursday & friday i really didmt get much excersize in. bleh. then when i got back friday i was soo tired but hung out w/ ktb , no time for working out. & i totally ate .... ALOT. then saturday was amazingggg such good times, we had an awesome halloween party but it involved a ton of food & alcohol & just a bunch of calories. so i had a pretty evil weekend but it was fun. now i just have to start the damage control tomorrow. its ognna be an intense week.

oh right also my scale is broken. i think i met my goal friday but i cant be sure because the scale fluctuated 10 lbs when i was weighing myslf. so i gotta get a new scale before friday rolls around.

say whaaaaaaaaaaaat?

its 5 am & im about to go to the gym.

yeah i have no idea, dont even ask.

tired

whew. so last WI was AWESOME!!! the scale said 212.8 & i could NOT believe it but omg i was soo happy :) & i had driven home thursday soo friday was just amazing, i had the whole day to chill before we had to go out. i went for a half hr bike ride in the morning, then ate sushi, then went on a 1 hr 45 min run to the rental! in upper saddle river. which was just amazing. i love running, i love being outside . i really like being home- i just feel so at home & right. i just cant really explain it.

but anyway. when i got back after the run for some reason i felt the need to get on the scale again- i was 211.4 !!!! but i kept the first number cause i felt like it was the first # & .. whatever haha. so im not all that worried about hitting my halloween goal of 210 this friday, although i wasnt the BEST this weekend, i was pretty good friday, kinda lost it saturday but not as badly as i usually have in the past. so i guess im just alittle shaky on whats gonna go down.

i feel like someone zapped all of the energy out of me this week though. im soo tired & i have so much less motivation than i had last week. im nervous. but i also cant worry too much about it cause im also worrying about all the shit i have due this week (3 papers friday AH) and then what im going to do concerning the internship & graduation. plus i have a depression problem & i need to start fixing that, and i hate college/being in boston. its just ... alot. sigh.

is this week over yet?

oh my god its wednesday and it REALLY needs to be friday for the well-being of my sanity. ahhh. ive been running myself into the ground in like EVERY aspect of life since monday.

today was particularly insane. first off, the past two days i burned an honorable 2,500 calories in the gym. last nights workout was awesome, i totally killed it lol. good times. but this morning was just horrible. i only burned 950 & i had to RUSH back to the apt & then off to class wiht like 10 minutes downtime. until 6 i only had consumed 280 calories because i was not in the apartment for more than 10 minutes AND had noooo downtime in between that. i mean it was just crazy. i was in such a bad mood up until 20 minutes ago. but i wont be able to relax for long because i gotta get myself back to the gym to burn the rest of the calories. i think i might just burn 2,000 today, its still a good turnout and honestly i just am soo tired. but we;ll see.

okay also i peeked at the scale tuesday and it said 217.6. so i was happy with that! that means i was back to where i was prior to crashing and burning & then a week of sickness so i couldnt really make a dent in anything. soo yay. plus that was before i went to the bathroom (TMI?) and after all the work i put in tuesday, today & planning to put in tomorrow, i should be pretty golden. at least i will have a loss. tomorrow im just gonna down a few slimfasts & call it a day. im going home tomorrow night THANK GOD! ill skip class friday i really dont care. i just cant take it anymore lol. anyway wish me luck cause i still gotta get through tomorrow... & its brutal for some reason haha.

change of pace

okay so i got to the gym & was sooo exhausted... i realized i cant possibly go at a pace like this & it might even sabotage me... sooo the NEW PLAN OF ACTION:!

burn 2,500 at the gym

eat 1,200

which is a appx total of 2800 burned. :) and any extra i can squeeze outta me is bonus points.

im still really nervous for WI though... ah.

just a little bit! R E S P E C T

so i kept a visual of that monokini in my head when i was working out today lol. it totally helped. and i have to say i look damn good in that suit! haha.

ive gone to the gym twice already, now i just gotta get up the energy to go for the 3rd & final time. im sooo exhausted haha i just want to be done with the day. but its not a reality cause its only 7;15 & ive gotta read for tomorrow, and whatever. i also have not done enough worrying for the day. bleh. im kind of nervous for the future; like... it scares me thinking that okay, im graduating in may, its october... what do i have to do now to get ready & set everytihng up... its intimidating. i just want to emerse myself in losing weight & improving my mood but theres soo much more bigger things to get done & im just super intimidated & not up to it. im scared. thats definitely the way to describe it. just not interested in being so anxious all the time, i wanna just IGNORE it.... i wish this responsibility would go away haha. yeahh okayyy fat chance.. emphasis on the fat.

so lets go back to weightloss! im super nervous for WI this week, i didnt weihg myself last week cause i was sick & i was so off plan last weekend that i didnt wanna know, also it was my time of the month. but yeah this week i wanna see more results. ! like im sick of busting my ass & not really seeing as big losses as i feel like i should. but hopefully ill pull myself out of the slump this week. thats why i went to the gym twice already, i wanna try to go three times every day, burning 1000 each time, and that makes 3,000 total. and im also cutting my caloric intake to 1,000. WHICH , for all you math majors out there, makes a total of 2,000 calories burned @ the gym, PLUS 1,500 which i burn just existing. so thats a grand total of 3,500. a lb. per day. so yeah i hope this works out or ill be super exhausted & starved for nothing come friday lol.

alright, im gonna finish watching this episode of trading spouses & then muster up enough energy to get my butt to the gym. MONOOOKINIIIII !!!

mono... kini?

monokinimonokinimonokini.

!!!!

i may be alone in this but i LOVE monokinis. haha. and mydream is to one day be able to wear one & not incite riots. lol.

im FINALLY getting over my illness. thank god. now that thats over i really need to step up my game this week. i am so scared that i wont lose any weight. i dont want this to be like last semester. ugh. i mean it wont, i keep telling myself that even if this fridays WI is disappointing it wont be like last semester because this time i am making a conscious effort to rise above this mess. this weeknd i had no binging incidents at all, obviously. i guess it really is just being with people & smoking. like. its kind of an indulgence issue. i just let go & let myself go wild & it fucking sucks. well im not doing that next weeknd, i can assure you :) ive just learned its not worth it., this morning i was loooking into the mirror & i actually liked what i saw. i always want to look like that on a sunday morning, not a bloated chubster MESS! ahhh. so yeah, gotta keep this up. MONOKINIIIIIII!

i can do anything.

soo of course i woke up a little bit sicker this morning. haha. spent the day drinking nyquil & trying not to cough in classes. it sucked. but its over now & i hope ill be better tomorrow. at least i better be good on friday.

uh totally unrelated but it hit me today how big coco is getting! shes not a little baby cat anymore... shes huge. okay not huge.... medium sized. shes like 9 months old now! wowow.

also unrelated- one of my neighbors either has a new musical hobby or blew a ton of $$ on a kickass sound system, but its damn annoying . AND they never ever start it up til its at least 11 pm. what gives? bleh. always right before i start to wind it up to go to bed. & the poor coconut was sleeping but now her eyes are halfopen in what looks like disbelief/pain from the booming bass. :(

okay so listen to this. somehow i figured alot of shit out today. okay not really. i REFINED some of my thoughts. here they are in fun list form!!!

1. i am a food addict, i need to break my addiction. period.

this is super important. i am finally realizing that this isnt something i can run from anymore. or just deal with binges as they happen. they cant happen. obviously there will be relapses but before it was more like 'okay, im going to be good good good for as long as i can until i fall on my face but then once im down i might as well smush my face deeper into the mud' but now im like 'i better not fall. & if i fall, i get back up & try damn hard never to go there again." its not cool. its not alright. it is ruling my life & guess what i want my life to be ruled by the strongest part of me, not the weakest. addiction sucks. fight the power, yo. its my personal revolution , ffff politiks.

2. life is ongoing.

ive been driving myself so crazy thinking about evrything i am dissatisfied with in my life. i have this theory that mylife is split into two worlds, boston & new jersey. in one, boston, i have structure & im losing weight and i am a grownup living alone fending for myself. survival biotches! in the second, back home, i have everyone i love. i live where i love. its my heart. so these two , by themselves, are NOT enough. at all. i need both of the elements of each to come together, which they will when i graduate. may 1st is the first day of my new life. or at least the last day of my old life. okay, NO. its the celebration of my old life & new life. haha. perfectionnn. i cant wait to be the person i want to be. college graduate, job i like, MY perfect body, living not at home... probably with a roommate or two. we'll have to see where it all goes. its not gonna be easy but its sure as hell gonna be fun. & better than this limbo im in.

3. my life is a construction zone!

i can deal with the limbo. its necessary to get to the life i ultimately want. i am not going to dwell on things i cant control. i am not going to agonize over whether or not im missing out on something at home. i am where i am, doing what i do, so that later i can be the best me. :) if i dont sacrifice now i will never get what i want. id rather spend the next 6 months in less than perfect conditions so that i can get the best possible outcome after that.

4. there is ultimately one 'right' guy for me,

and it is highly doubtful i have met him yet. the one i have been preoccupied with lately just isnt. & its crazy because okay i knew he wasnt right right right for me before, but i like to deny these things. & yeah, ill settle. cause i guess i figure im not in it for MARRIAGe, like im 21 & i wouldnt mind a few relationships before i find the last one, but thats not cool. settling. my mom always says to find someone who NEEDS you & would do ANYTHING for you & fuck it shes right! i want someone to treat me like my dad treats my mom. nothing less period.

:) THINKIN POSITIVE, OHH YEAHhhhHHh.

& i also discovered that i want to feel sexy. i never have. I WILL.

sort this out on your own time

so on friday i was down -1.4 lbs, to 217.6 KINDA lame, but yeah. then i was determined to stay OP this weekend & just could not keep it together :( it sucks. and since it was a 3 day weekend i made the mistake of staying home sunday & overeating AGAIN sunday too.

well im making steps to recovery... i only ate 130 calories yesterday, but only burned 1400 @ the gym. then today my calorie cap is 700. & im going to try to workout as hard as i can but of course this morning i woke up sick. AND ive got my period so im hoping that goes away & doesnt have any effect on my next WI. although im staying here in boston this weekend so ill probably weigh myself on saturday instead of friday. just so i can get one extra day after the disaster of colombus day weekend 08. oh, i named it. it was that bad. sigh.

I BETTER GET BETTER. i hate being sick!

ive got potential

god forbid i be able to go to sleep when i want! grrr. sorry its just SUPER annoying when i am beyond exhausted & just want to wake up and begin my awesome day that is friday but i just cant stop my mind from racing. :( i used to take tylenol pms like it was my job but i dont think thats such a great idea. plus i dont have any right now LOL.

"tomorrow" is WI, or rather WI is in 8 hrs. lovely. i worked my BUTT off "today." CHECK IT: i burned 3,000 calories at the gym. OH YES. that is no typo. haha. i went 3 times. first i burned 1300, then 400, then another 1,300. INTENSE. i got up to 2600 and i was like DONE. but then i kept urging myself to keep going and i did somehow. crazy. i can do that, kinda trick myself into doing things. for someone whos quite terrible @ math i really get fixated on numbers.

anyway this better reflect on the scale.

no binging this weekend. or ever. im trying to break the addiction andd bad cycle. i guess i just realized how sick it is. whatever.

im so tired... try for bed again?

take your time, take a breath.

whew. so.

yesterday was tough. i realized alot of things, & im just trying to move forward away from being so negative.

it was only a few weeks of it really culminating, & i tend to think barely anyoe else noticed besides a select few, but I noticed. i wasn thappy. im not just magically happy now, but i want to make a sincere effort to PLAY happy. fake it til you make it. look on the bright side. i made a promise to myself at the end of august to look on the bright side. i havent in the least, ever since ive been lamenting the dark, dismal side. that side will always be there, & it sucks. so why focus on the bad? i am blessed in alot of ways & even if i cant see that in a moment, i cant deny that i have a real chance to make the best of my life & my situation. im only getting better. :) so is life.

back to the diet.... its only monday & im already super nervous for friday';s WI. i lost 1.8 lbs last week but im just scared i wont lose this week... oir it wont be that great of a loss. to tell you the truth 1.8 is a bit disappointing at this point. but im eating like a pig on weekends so i dot know what else to say to myself. except to TRY TRY TRY harder next time.

but friday i was OP just like i promised myself . 1700 calories was my cap & i was approx 1685. so woot! mission accomplished.

saturday was less than stellar.

i want to make a change this weekend. but first, to get through the week...

oh no...

i feel so alone.
you might think this has nothing to do with weight loss and so shouldnt be in this blog, but you're wrong. feelings affect this.


although now im just writing to get it out. to someone. im so alone. i fucked up so royally the last few weeks letting myself grow so so bitter & poisonous. it affects so deeply my relationships with people around me. so i have no one around me up here, as always. and the people i care about are all distant. in nj. so literal distance... & emotional. i was pushing everyone away like it was my MISSION. i thought it was the right thing to be doing, thats whats so crazy. iw as becoming so numb. but here i am snapping out of it & now the damage is done. i dont know what to do. & only one person to ask, having dethroned the other ones. & shes not picking up her phone.


i am such a screw-up. i really fucked up.

YEAH I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT!

omg today ive been going going going NONSTOP! ive barely had time to breathe... but at least i got to the first gym visit , & ive been watching my calorie intake. im going to drink 660 of the calories for today in orange juice, cause this way it runs out of me by tomorrow. woo! plus i just dont have time to do anything else lol. anyywayyyy. i BETTER lose lose lose tomorrow cause ive been BUSTING my butt off haha. literally we hope.

tomorrow's also tante's 95th birthday! wow crazy. & the woman eats nothing but potatoes, so good for her haha. i love her. :) i feel lie i havent spent enough time with them lately... at all.. i mean its not just a feeling i KNOW it but yeah. whenever i have the time im gonna try.

and since its her 95th birthday, a MILESTONE, im going to make a pledge (to myself) to stay OP tomorrow. im gonna set a calorie bar, not sure how much yet, but yeah. i wont go past it. after all shes been through in her life & everything shes overcome, if i cant be healthy tomorrow its a damn shame.

tomorrow's also AWESOME because we're going out for jen's birthday , & i get to see matt & jen & mike... yeah mike. well. ive been kinda tormented by that lately. wow tormented is a strong word. but whatever i dont care, maybe itll be like it used to be... we'll see! if not i survive, i always do. no matter how many we lose haha. woot.

what you know about that?

woo. i have been BUSTING my butt all week! i hope it pays off. god it better haha. well regardless i am staying ON TRACK this weekend. :) i can do it! firsti just gotta get through tonight & tomorrow.... god i wish it was friday right now, schoolwork is starting to pick up.

anyway i just want to at least lose 1 lb this week. thats all i ask. okay maybe i WANT more. but i think if i only lose 1 lb i should be happy because i was a bad bad girl last weekend. & thatll show me. haha. but please dont show me.. i repent, i swear!

thats all i suppose :) ciaooo

freedom is enough rope to hang yourself

heyyaa. im trying to decide rightnow if i should go to class or just right to the gym. i dont feel like moseying on over there & sitting in boredom. just not into it, . bleh.

so random but all of the sudden i miss the work environment again. i just miss the structure of 9-5. i love it! i like sitting in an office , drinking water & doing actual work. its good times. what can i say? well i guess i get to have that again next summer, forever, so whatever. i need to stop focusing on what i DONT have... but its so hard its what ive been doing my whole life haha. how to stop now.. good question.

lets talk about my feelings of guilt right now. welll i didnt feel so great during my first class so i decided to push off the gym til after my next class. & ate sushi instead. ugh. i dont know why but i just feel so completely guilty about it. bleh.

i guess im also so scared that i cant do it . UGH ive had this terrible feeling before, ive gotten through it, but i HATE this part. ugh. before the ball gets rolling i doubt myself 78% down the line. so crap. blehehehghgh.

have you reached that point?

BIG HUGE SIGH. oh my god.this weekend .... just not what i expected it to be. oh well. move on.

let's talk about something constructive. i felt like SHIIIT all weekend because of what i ate: TOO MUCH. wayy too much. i need to find a way to cope with the weeknds home or im just going to run myself into the ground. it cant happen. i need a better plan. i mean. next weekend i have to go home for tante's 95th bday, we're going out to dinner on saturday. i think i especially need to keep fridays under wraps because if i screw up royally on friday its SO much harder to get back on track for saturday. well. i got 3 days to muster up some strength & solidarity.

i need to focus first on the small picture, then the big one. small: i need to get through this day. go to classes, do the homework, go to the gym & killlll it. big: where i want to be this time next year. next month. graduation. in 10 years. etc. etc.

i guess maybe i get way too caught up in the past & future and forget where i am & WHY.

ughhh

ugh i feel TERRIBLE. like so ill.

let's play catch-up:

after the disappointing WI i went to the gym & weighed myself after & was 220.8! so thats a yay.

i planned to be pretty OP & good, just figured id have a little more than usual.

i dont know... i think its the pot. i really cant control myself well while im high &... i dont know. i hate to admit this but i think the honeymoon period with weed is seriously coming to an end. i never thought id be able to say that. but it might be true. idk. it might be hurting more than helping at this point. & im trying to decide if its worth it.

anyway i feel like the fucking goodyear blimp right now, except more ill. i want to excersize - actually specifically i wanted to go for a run today but right now i feel like i can barely move. like i might puke if i attempt a bouncing form of mobility. ew. i hate myself. :(

honestly life is weird right now. not good. at all. n ot even coming home, whcih used to make me happy. now everytihng is sort of lackluster & downhill from here. boo. i never want to feel that way. :(

wuhhht

just weighed in at 222.8. WHAT THE FUCK. only .4 less. whcih makes ZERO sense & im getting upset. im gonna go to the gym & see what that does me. the only thing i can think of is im feeling alittle plugged up if you know what i mean... *TMI* ughh.

this sucks.

someday ill be something much more

whew. this week has already been pretty taxing on me lol. & its only wednesday. idk i guess school is getting to me already... aka the monotony of my routine & stuff. or also the fact that i didnt go home last weekend. oh well. its almost over, thank god tomorrow's thursday.

diet wise, which is all that REALLY matters, haha, ive been doing awesome. at least with the workouts. burning aloottt of calories. woot. im excited for friday to see how i did. im aiming for 219 so lets just hope. i dont want to be in the 220's anymore. i miss my 203. lol. even my 214 would be nice. sooo yah. i cannot WAIT for the glorious day when i am back down to 203. i will probably die of happiness. which would defeat the purpose. so ill probably think better of it.

someone needs to put me on what not to wear.... i dont dress badly but i COULD for $5,000. are you kidding? ill go around wearing a potato sack for 2 months if it means i get to go shopppinggg with that much money. i am a fiend as it is.

i want new uggs. gold, preferably. maybe i can make this a goal thing? im going to say if i crack 219 this week.... i will find a way to get those uggs. i WILL. even if i must steal... ;P

someday ill fly, someday ill soar

yooo! its almost tomorrow but i cant sleep. kind of a busy ish day tomorrow- i gotta wake my ass up at 6:30 to make my 7 am yoga class. eep! so early. haha. but i made that my NSV goal for this week sooo good thing. this way im SURE to go , NO EXCUSES lol.

after yoga, come back here eat breakfast, then off to class. thennn gym, then wholefoods, then after finish eating lunch i gotta get a move on typing up my resume. eep. i think thats the hard part though, once i have that perfected i just gotta set up a standard email to send to whereever i wanna apply. i mean.. after that i just hope for the best lol. i need a job once i graduate in may.. ahh crazyness...


in a way im SO excited for my life to actually begin. back in jersey, where i know im supposed to be. i feel like once im back home with everyone pretty close at hand i can finally just get everything into place life-wise. here its kinda all about my weight loss & trying to not fall apart emotionally hahah. idk. but thats a good thing, i mean i get stronger that way & HELLO i needd to lose the weight.


speaking of graduation maybe i shouldnt be looking so far ahead (*counts*.... 7 months .. not SO far haha ahhh) but i want to be pretty much done with the difficult weight loss by then. which shouldnt be TOO hard, i mean i have about 55 lbs to go til im at goal... in 7 months, thats not even extreme. i guess my one worry is just how its always kinda slowed/gone downhill after january. but i cant let that happen this time. i will succeed ! its kind of my last chance, at least to really really give it my all & focus entirely on that. my freedom ends when i move back into the *real world* where i have friends & family & a job & things pulling me in 50 different directions. :)

anyway when i mentioned that to my mom & also told her i wanted to be a size 10 come graduation, she kinda smiled but brushed it off. whch is understandable like obviously ive made huge goals like that before (remember the bikini last summer one haha yeahhhhhh did NOT happen) ... but now i am GOING TO DO THIS. i can. !!! its just more ammunition, like when im tired i tell myself 'well they thinkm you cant' and im going to prove everyone wrong. blowww their minddds. :)

okay probably should get to bed... really busy day tomorrow... oh btw today was great, i have a blister on my heel from my new boots hwich is REALLY painful but i made myself go to the gym anyways twice and really good workouts both times :) woot!

put a smile on ya face

soo i wont keep you in suspense any longer. i lost 2.8 lbs this week! not toooooo great, but not too bad either. i gotta take what i can get considering last weekend's debauchery haha. you know what i mean. basically its a good thing & next friday hopefully ill get a bigger number.


unrelated to weight stuff, i really dont like being up here in boston on weekends :( at least the parents are visiting tomorrow. sigh.


tonight im doing what i like to call a "power hour marathon." not what it sounds like. basically im going to do 1 hr on the bike, 1 hr on the arc-trainer, and then lastly 1 hr on a machine of my choice. im thinking treadmill since ill probably be beat to a pulp after the last 2 hrs lol.
but yeah. thats my friday night! wooooo!

razor-sharp performance (& low financing)

(this i actually wrote on thursday the 18th but blogger was messed up)
today was kind of blahhhh & by 6;30 i just wanted it to be overrr but i pulled myself together, went to my abs class, & worked out after too. :) okay, it wasnt just all owed to me, i downed some 5hr energy crap too. BUT STILL. wooo. it feels good to work my ass off... literally.


while i was waiting for the abs class to start i was staring into space & i actually could picture myself skinny , wearing a bikini top. it was crazy. and awesome. it was crazy awesome. im doing it. i set a pretty huge goal of being able to wear a bikini next summer. i want to reach goal by graduation. this is my last year away from home, without much responsibility & sooooo much free time for myself. ill never get this freedom again. i need to make the most of it. and i plan to.


anyway when i go home next time i want to search through my omi's photo albums for a picture of my mom when she was 17-21. i think theres a specific picture im thinking of, but its her on a beach in a bikini looking beautiful :) it popped into my head the other day as like a symbol of what i want to accomplish & strive for. i mean, shes my mother, im 21, im pretty sutre we have the same body type. thats me minus the fat suit. it WILL be me in june :)


i just have to sign myself over to the fact that it will take a ton of hard work & dedication. BRING IT!

tough times

bleh. so today was realllly busy. & it was good for most of it, esp my earlier workout was SOO good i was really happy with it.

i guess what brought me down was my second gym trip. i took the on the ball class, & for some reason what i saw in the side mirror really upset me. i am 20 lbs heavier than i was last semester, way more out of shape, & it shows. i feel it. i know im undoing it already, blah blah blah & sooner than i kow it ill be even less & in better shape than last may, but right now im just not and its so sad. i am so disappointed in my situation, and the fact that i brought it upon myself. i did NOT have to gain that much weight this summer. that was my own choice. my decisions. so i cant even go there, ill just get way too upset & stuck in the past. i gotta move forward. & i am! but still. sometimes i cant help it . wallowing. :(

its a good thing im not going home this weekend, i wouldd probably stuff my face & thats soo the opposite of what i need right now.boooooooooo.

happy ending?

heyyyaaa. i LOVE tuesdays. haha. its so nice to only have an hr & 40 minutes of prescribed time and then i can be ANYWHERE doing ANYTHING i want for the rest of the day. even though im just chilling in my apartment watching dr phil. its relaxing, you're jealous.

anyway i cant wait til friday! i wanna see how i did this week. of course right now its tuesday & the week si barely begun. haha.

but fitness classes started yesterday! & i took a yoga class for the first time everrrr it was so good. i cant believe i liked it as much as i did haha. i tried to wake up today at 6;30 to go take the 7;00 class but thought better of it. maybe i shouldve, but i figure i will next tuesday morning. im trying to see what else i could take tonight.... classes always fill up really quickly in the beginning of semesters.

woooooooo

the consequence is bigger than you think!

back , another crazy weekend @ home. haha, ish. whatever.

anyway now im back up here & probably for a while, i dont think im going home next weekend. which is actually a relief because i have a feeling school work is about to get really hectic & i need to just chill for a weekend sometimes.

excite!

just keep me where the light is!

hello kids! sooo i feel 10000000 x better than i did yesterday or the day before. yay endorphins! and every day you get away from feeling shitty & bad shit that happened , the further removed you are emotionally from it.

at least i think so. or whatever, denial is your best friend :) lol

soo i was thinking about potentially making the gym a 3 times a day thang. i think there are both pros and cons to this. so let's list!!

PROS:

1. uh, lose more weight in less amount of time

2. less free *boring* time

3. more exhaustedd

4. get back down to previous lowest weight faster

5. feel more fulfilled

CONS:

1. more exhausted

2. might poop out earlier = less calories burned overall, which is lame

3. recycling of gym clothes would get even more unmanageable

4. wayy more showering

but im probably going to do it regardless of the lists haha. not today but starting tomorrow i think. this way i can have classes to buffer the gym visits. and im thinking im going to have to push push push myself. maybe ill set a minimum of calories burned per visit, so at least i have a goal i have to hit. like... even if i just burned 700 per visit, x 3 thats 2100 a day. not bad, ... maybe 800 would be better. *mathhhhhh* 2400 a day. much better.

i cant wait til gym classes start either. WATCH ME GOOOO

salvation is here....

this is september, its the fall, it has new beginnings written all over it.

i didnt lose the weight, in fact i gained more... im about 230 right now. which is depressing to say the least. but i have to rally, try to get over the fact that i gained so much.... & go forward. i need to, i want to, theres nothing holding me back now. im in boston for the last year, ive got all the time & energy to focus on this and myself, there are no excuses.

i have to prove this to myself & everyone else. i want to be happy..

im on a train (but there's no one at the helm)

ughh matt just came into work and i was so happy i erased alll of what i just wrote lol. but since its really just me who reads this anwyayyyy... whatever. i fucked up these past few months. its definitely not what i wanted. i did go to weight watchers in the beginning and lost a good 3 lbs for 2 weeks but then fell off again SERIOUSLY. paid 80$ more before i cancelled my account. anyway. i need to get back, thats what i came here to say. i need to take back control of my life again. i cant wait for school.... yeahhhh haha. its out of control. i feel like that in so many areas of my life im totally out of it... and i dont like that. at all. boo.

anyway.... got about a month before i go back to boston, and i dont want to be 10-15 lbs more than what i was when i left. i want to at least get back down to 210. so. lets dooo thissss.

im gonna soak up the sun

let's talk about the future, not the past.

yeah, thats not obvious.

ANYWAY. im feelin pretty good today. physically at least, ive been kinda grumpy since i woke up. but i feel slim. ish. haha. i set a goal , when i hit my 10% im going to go finally use the gift $$ i got for christmas & my birthday to buy myself a tiffany necklace. it will remind me of my 22 lb loss and how i fckn struggggggled for it. plus it will be pretty :) and i need some motivation , some serious goal to keep my diet and pride intact. im losing it lately.

since summer started i feel like i havent had a real moment to breathe. im literally busy ALL day long. i get up (godwilling) at 6;30, im either at the gym or hitting the road for a walk at 7. i get back at 8, shower, go to work by 9. work til 5, then i am home for an hour ish before i go to the gym, class, or personal trainer w/ nicky. if i dont hang out wiht my friends i go home and watch tv for like an hr, then sleep. its pretty annoying. the gym used to be the biggest and best part of my day, now i feel like its an afterthought. :( i dont really know what to do, i have to work 9-5. not really a way around it...

oh i think im going to join WW in person again this weekend. unfortunately ill probably weigh more on their scales AND weigh more in general because i will not be naked (teehee) but whatever. i have to do something to get myself more involved. if i leave it all up to me i can lie to myself. cant lie to those people. i HATE gaining when i have to weigh in with them!

are you surprised?

so i did it AGAIN. i binged this weekend! ugh. i mean its tuesday again so ive moved past it, yesterday was great. but whyyy did i do that to myself? anyway. moving on past the negativityyyy.

this weekend i kept seeing these commercials that said it takes 21 days to form a good habit. sooo maybe thats another motivational tool. today is day 2 :) and on sunday (when i was soo bloated) i took a picture of myself in my underwear, so thats definitely motivating. cause its not what i want to look like. :( its not who i want to be ! and its not who im going to be.

and last night i definitely kept it together pretty well, there was some upsetting crap going on but i didnt binge or even get really moody about it, i have to say i was really surprised with myself haha. maybe not so much the binging, but i wasnt even as upset as i thought i would be. i guess i was just expecting the worst. but honestly the situation was kinda off somehow, it didnt feel right. (okay, basically = guy i like, sort of strung me along (but maybe im naive) now is hooking up with other girl, girl was hanging out with all of us last night). ANYWAY, it wasnt like they were ALL up on top of each other and really happy, or even seemed like they could carry on an interesting conversation, so maybe thats why i dont really care. its like... if the girl isnt prettier , smarter, or better than you in really any way ( okay, so im overweight shes not, but you cant fix your face) it doesnt seem as sad. hahah. its just like, you're an idiot. but she is nice so im not trying to be mean. .... ish.

ANYWAY besides the point. its sad but im feeling better about my life because... i really believe that everything happens for a reason and its all linear, whatever happens does because its SUPPOSED to, and if things dont they arent going to and arent meant to be. kinda sad if you're really hooked on free will (though thats just a concept we made up)... okay not gonna go there. almost got lost in the abyss *whew*

anyway seriously i see how some of my friends fair in relationships and id just rather not. haha. ill wait til someone really likes me, thanks. and is willing to give up being a douche. cause i dont deal with that sort of crap. its just not worth it. plus whatever, im definitely not secure enough in myself yet to have to worry about being good enough for someone else. a boy , no less. they expect nothing less (more?) than size 2 jeans and 0 iq levels. its brilliant, it really is. ill wait. :)

im walkin on sunshine

okay so ive officially been back on track since tuesday! binge free 3 days now :) and i intend to keep up the trend.

but i did hurt my foot while i was running on tuesday night and i havent really been able to excersize since. i did take an hour walk yesterday but it was uncomfortable by the end. :( kinda sucks. so i weighed in this morning and thanks to my binging last weekend i have gained 1.3 lbs. WOO. not. but i told myself its fine, its A POUND and i FEEL damn good about my body and where im headed so im not going to let it distract me. next week i will make a big dent in it :) STAY POSITIVE , SELF!

on a more personal note, i was apprehensive about thsi weekend but now im looking forward to it and im going to enjoy whatever happens. its all about positive thinking, right? .. riiiiiiiiiiiight ;)

struggugglugglin

i think im going to start writing in this more often. so many things i dont say out loud or on paper but im thinking them all the time. important things to my weightloss.

i guess im just trying to stay afloat. there are times when im so gung-ho about kickin some ass and losing the weight, being serious about it and all. then i just fail. i guess its when i hang out with my friends, which is horrible but true... we eat together. i never really acknowledged that but thats what we do. when we're bored. when we're not bored. when we're hungry or not hungry. upset, happy, we eat. its bad. its a cycle. i guess i just get scared... when ive been good all day adn then i know im going to hang out with them that night or that weekend... im scared cause i know im doomed. or i feel that i might be. its kind of like sliding down a slippery slope. trying really hard to dig my feet in when i know itd be so easier just to let go and deal with the wreckage the next day. :(

the THING IS, i dont want to be wreckage to deal with anymore. i want to be a whole, fresh, strong person. i KNOW i am, i am sometimes already! i just dont want to be collapsible at any moment into this pathetic, sloppy, weak girl i know i can be. i demand perfection and then am too lazy to achieve it. this is a cycle that i hate but i am too weak to break from right now. i mean IM TRYING, today is a new day and i am breaking free, im broken from it right now. i can make it through the week, easy. but ask me about nxt week, then im not so sure. ask me about friday, god knows what could go wrong this weekend to set me off. to make me eat. to force me to turn to food. its sick.

i bought this book yesterday, called confessions of a carb queen. its about this really obese woman and how she struggled with food and being overweight and then eventually how she lost it. well im only at the part where she is struggling. and it just makes me ill to hear about how she runs to food and how she gorges herself with it. i think of it as perfect ammunition against my own addiction. then last night hit and i binged, i mean, a slight binge but still. i dont want to be her, i know im not 460 lbs, 35 years old but I COULD BE. i mean inside im just like her. inside i am gaining hundreds of pounds with every reeses cup. i am as insecure and as sick as she is, was, whatever. i mean there is a silver lining, i lost 100 lbs, she beat her addiction, im trying to overcome mine. its a work in progress. but i cant fake it all the way through the day and then at night lose control. its not WORTH IT. but if i was a coke addict, i couldnt just give up when i go back for the hit after days of staying clean. you have to try AGAin. you try again until you fail, or you die. im dying emotionally, this is who i am... i need to heal myself. literally. im serious.

im going to. you can know that for sure. this is a disease and you have to fight it. period.

i should not have let you go ...

okay so i didnt weigh in AGAIN this week. i know, im awful. a bad seed. silly. but i let myself go thursday and here i am, monday, not really sure what i weigh or why i didnt just stick to my guns.

because my guns are unsure of themselves too. i think.

i struggle, i struggle.

anyway. im buckling down AGAIN for like the 50th time, im not letting this keep me down no matter how many pathetic times i fall. bleh.

set a goal of 202 for june 1st. please god . haha.

i tried to escape this desire

ill do what i have to do.

i hate boys.

anyway. im back down to 209. which is somewhat depressing, yeah. but. you live and learn. and fuck up again. and then pretend youve learned. but do it again.

happy monday everybodyyyyyyyyyyyy not.

all i can do is put my head down and dig in deep. do something good for myself. kill my body to make it better.

im gonna go pick up some 5 hr energy crap after work and then it is ON. i may run around the country. or

ya know... the county.

sigh.

get down with the sicknessssssssss

:) hellooooo. i am happy to come here and say that i have been binge free for exactly 5 consecutive days, which may not seem like a lot BUT two of those days were weekends so bow down to me. i think i may have finally broken free of the bad pattern. i even smoked too, but didnt let myself get out of hand. its actually easier than you'd think. than i thought, anyway.

in other news im happy. oh yeah, i said it.

its a nice day

hey hey. this is the part where i do the walk of shame and come back here confessing that i binged. i feel so pathetic because i feel like ive been recommitting every week and saying its the last time, only to fuck myself up again. but its whats happening... cant lie about it.

i guess the only thing i can really say about it is i let my guard down and made dumb excuses. im back now though. i felt SOOOO incredibly awful and unhealthy and just sick this weekend, its SOO not worth it. obviously. but it isnt even at the time. i am back and more determined than ever. grr. its ON.

i guess i must weigh myself tomorrow. id put it off another week so i dont have a heart attack on the scale, but thats silly, i havent weighed myself for like 3 weeks now. enough's enough. im just scared.... like i think i gained at least 5 lbs, and maybe more will show up because i only got back OP yesterday and i ate a LOT of sushi yesterday anyway, so water weight hasnt had much of a chance to pack up and leave. :\ but i gotta face it. i know. ill consider it a starting weight and get on with my life.

today's not going to be fun because i have to go study my assssss off for my last final tomorrow, for which i am also scared to death. good times. but then its SUMMER!!!!! wayyyy better times. :)

anndd it starts again

ahh. i am ALREADY thinking about ways to cheat this weekend, give myself saturday as a "free day." when the hell am i gonna be able to stop this destructive behavior? im scared for tomorrow.. :\ i am my own worst enemy...

kick in the butt i need

i am DETERMINED to stay OP this weekend. its really going to be hard, because we're going down the shore and its 4/20 sooo yeahhhh but i KNOW i can do it. i cant wait to prove that to myself. someone tattoo this entry to my forehead! haha.

i have no idea how much i weigh, and im not going to weigh myself til next friday just so i dont get discouraged and go off the deep end this weekend. BUT i must be somewhere between 205-210 and so i have set a goal of 190 by june 1st. just putting it out there. this time i hope to actually keep my goal haha. ... summers coming... almost done with schooll, and i cant wait!

signed, sealed, delivered.

bleh. i think part of my problem is boredom eating too. im sooooo bored. actually,the eating doesnt come from the boredom, the boredom leads to loneliness, loneliness = sadness, then i eat. its horrible but its waht happens up here . ive got nothing to do for hours sometimes and i cant really deal like im not that kinda person. oh well. i have to hold on.

its all coming back to me now.

so after a week of eating horribly, exercizing less than usual and only a few good OP days in there, im back on the wagon again. just goes to show you. the pressure did get to me, and i think i needed to go offcourse just to realize how shitty i feel when i dont try. i am so tired of being overweight, of being a size 16. i am so tired of being insecure about myself and my body! im back, and i dont want any excuses. im going to stay OP one day at a time, and weekends will no longer be an excuse to binge. if i work at it hard enough, i will lose this weight.

duh.

:) oh, also ran out of the hydroxycut, didnt get new pills. so im off. it wasnt what i thought it was gonna be anyway, too much of a pain in the ass + $$$. down the drain.

when you love somebody and bite your tongue

all you get is a mouthful of blood.

me and my scale have decided to take a break, see other people. what im getting at is; the scale is definitely hurting more than it is helping at this point. its stressing me out and if i dont like the number it gives me it makes it actually harder to stay OP. plus it is the last few weeks of classes and work and its all so hectic i have to stop and breathe.

this doesnt mean im going completely off the diet. im still going to excersize, eat healthy, do basically all of the same things as before, cept without the scale. im not going to be surprised if , when i come back, i am up a few lbs. but i hope my body will be basically the same. i just want to make it through the next few weeks, and we;ll see where we are. im doing this because i have to make a conscious effort to say im stepping back, but im not giving up. because last year and other times like this i just went off completely and gained 10 lbs and felt horrible. thats not what i want to happen- i basically want to just listen to my body without the scale ruling my life. for now.

scale, i will see you in a few weeks. later kids.

we're just protecting ourselves from ourselves.

it's april! yayyyy. only a few days til ktb's 21st, and then one more week til mine! god i hope i'll be under 200 for my birthday. 3.7 lbs! i think i can do it....

i guess i should explain myself w/ my last post. i basically binged because of emotions, the same old stuff i guess. actually this week has been particularly bad emotionally, ive been ALL over the place. so ridiculous. :( i really wish i wasnt so emotionally defective. but somehow ive managed to stay OP sunday to today. and god-willing ill get through to this weekend. wish me luck! ive been praying alot, maybe thats helping. i know that the WW boards definitely are.

i always think that i wish that my actual eating/emotional habits could change, and this week i realizd that they HAVE. instead of just blindly giving into my urges the minute anything goes wrong, i have a hard time actually throwing it all away and surrendering. seems subtle, but its a really great change. :)

on another note, someone PLEASE explain boys to me. i dont get it.

on and on...

binge eating & depression suck. its a bitch that i happen to suffer from both. they definitely dont mix well. or they mix TOO well. take your pick.

bleh im going to live to regret this...

ugh

bleh. i guess i should start out with good news, but it might kind of make the rest of my post look whiny and dumb. but we'll risk it. last friday i weighed in at 203.7! whcih was really great. so yay!

okay back to my immediate reason for coming here. today was a bust! i felt horribly fat and exposed all day. okay, mostly at the end of it, when i went to my last class (i also have a semi-crush on this guy in that class, too). i dunno. katie was here for the last three days (her spring break) and i felt like the whole time she had to reassure me that i didnt look like an elephant that escaped from the zoo. obviously i will never buy into someone trying to tell me im thin and fine , or whatever, but ive come so far and i really cant ever feel entirely happy with where i am until im THERE, wherever my happy body image is. god. i just cant help but feel like i might never be satisfied with myself. body, mind, personality, actions, whatever. im always so hard on myself. i just feel like i come short in every area. bleh.

i dont know, must keep going. somewhere. cant stay here, lol...

ppppump it up!

so friday, my WI day, i got my period. i must have retained like a TON of water weight, because not only did i not lose (and i was SUPER OP & good the whole week) but i GAINED 5 lbs! the scale said 211.2. i was SHocked and pissed, but i got over it, figuring it was just TOM. which it HAS to be, theres just no way i gained 5 lbs in 5 days. ridiculous.

ive been thinking about weight-loss/dietary pills for a while, running the thought through my head. at first i was really reluctant because i am losing weight without it, and i dont want to even entertain the thought of gaining it all back when i get off the pill. but after talking to fisz this weekend, i came to the conclusion that ill try it. first off, i know i can lose weight without it so its not like a crutch and total fake weight-loss. second, i need to do something different to break through my plateau. and to work out any harder id have to LIVE at the gym.literally. im already there twice a day. third, the fear of gaining it back is real, but at the same time i work REALLY hard to maintain and lose what ive lost already, im not just a lazy shmuck who will let it all come back. so we went to GNC and i bought hydroxycut for women. im trying it out this week. im working out just as hard as ever, dieting too. everything should go smoothly and i just hope it gives me the boost i need and have been missing for the past few months.

i am a shopping fiend.

haha i didnt even fufill my bag goal and im already scoping out candidates for the next prize. some girl on the WW boards posted about a link to a dress on wetseal.com and now im obsessed with all of the dresses they have. haha.

im thinking ill give this one to myself when i hit 190. :) yay summer!

in the summer in the spring; in public places

*DROOL*

OBVIOUSLY im going to have to work this into my rewards system :) i havent done that in awhile so yay. but this bag is just SO cute and perfect for spring and summer.

let's see... the first weight starting with a 1. ! omg i can't wait for that day.

bring on the sunshine!

i got my kitten yesterday! she is a LUNATIC super hero cat. i love her. except for the fact that i am up at 7:07 due entirely to her jumping on top of me for an hour. ridiculous!

anyway, i think i came to the realization yesterday that i really need to stay OP for longer than a week. and try to actually live through the weekends like im trying to stay OP. so far ive just been letting myself go as if its a free for all, but its really stopped working because of that. i need to realize it and i dont want to go bloating myself up every week. its stunting my progress and i dont want to regret it this summer when i could have been enjoying my efforts.

so i guess my goal is to just stay OP as much as possible. and taking it one day at a time.

across the ocean

dear thighs:

GO AWAY! okay, not completely, because you connect my legs to my waist, and do lots of other useful things, including making it possible to ski, but for the love of GOD! you're far too squishy for bathingsuit season. my ultimate goal is that you will shrink down so i can be happy with you! not to mention feel good in a pair of shorts.

i want to wear shorts this summer and feel COMFORTABLE and in-control. :) please self, work away those thighs!

whew!

whew! i am sooo tired right now. im at killington, by myself just skiing for a few days. its kinda cool, just like at school except im on VACATION and i ski instead of go to classes. uhhh, does it get any better?

anyway, what to say... last week i lost 3 pounds, and i hope this week i lose again though idk cause i spent the past 5 days smoking and eating. of course. hah. its pretty awful but whatevr , i have to deal with the things i do.

totally unrelated, i skiied down a double-black diamond today! it was crazyy, i cant believe i just went for it. haha. of course it took me like 10 minutes to get down,and i fell like 3 times and once a woman had to help me put my skis back on (it was so steep i kept sliding down the mountain, even when i was laying down grasping at anything hahah). it was funny though. and i wasnt scared at all. its crazy, i was always SO scared of steepness and speed but its like.. none of that matters anymore, im cool with it. as long as i eventually get down, and its not life-threatening situation. haha. so i feel pretty good about that.

emotionally im a crazy bitch haha. i dunno. yesterday i had another breakdown... which is not here today, bleh. i dont know, i really need to see a therapist, i GET IT haha i just put it off to tackle more important things (at the moment...) i know, whats more important than my mental health. but i guess to me keeping everything together while i fix it is a must. i cant just stop my life to fix a little emotional imbalance. thatd be dumb, and add more problems. ive seen that happen to people... anyway, i should really go study logic. i failed my last quiz. 51. it was good times haha.

life starts now

so i woke up this morning feeling like i wanted to crawl back under the covers and sleep some more, never wake up. i finally dragged myself out of bed and took my butt to the library to study for my russian midterm. i was drinking some coffee.. and all the sudden it hit me. this wave of new energy, motivation and willpower to lose weight! ive been stalling for so long now, since january, and its been honestly an uphill battle. i had other things to focus on... and i got a little preoccupied. but i think now im ready to jump back into it and get ready for the summer! i can do it , ive done it before :) haha just had to share becaUse i havent felt this surge of energy for a few months now.

ive been thinking about spring and summer too lately. i cant stand the cold anymore! im so over it! i hope this summer is a good one and i can feel good about myself and my body. thats the goal.

in like a lion?

oh man. i cant believe its the end of february already. i havent gotten much done this year yet, i feel like. not in the #'s department anyway. i feel thinner and look a little thinner, but im not losing on the scale. i just hope i can leave the month at least 1 lb less than i entered it haha. i only have 4 days to do that though...

oh yeah im also sick. :( its a mild cold but i felt under the weahter all day and didnt workout cause i dont want to prolong the cold and ruin the rest of the week.

feb 1444444

happy valentines day! haha. still single, dont get me wrong. just realllllly good day. idk why but ive been extremely happy all daY :) not knocking it, though.

i cant wait til i can celebrate this day for reals.

TOMORROW'S weigh in. first time in 2 weeks. cannot wait. :D

autopilot ON

so on friday i only lost one pound and it really threw me off and stressed me out, obviously. since im not going home this weekend (thank god haha i need a break) im not going to weigh myself friday and wait until the 15th to weigh in. im already less stressed.
which is great because stressed is my middle name lately.
first name being "i'm."



bring on the success, i need some of it...

UH, PS: GIANTS WON THE SUPERBOWL!!!! not surprised, totally called it, but yayyyY!!!!!!!! haha, suck it new england.

xx

ah! when will this madness end? the classes at my gym are STILL getting filled super ridiculously fast. basically by 8 am of the day BEFORE the class its totally unavailable. i have to remember to sign on at 12 am when they go up and register as soon as possible. its so annoying. theyre a big part of my success and life... its disheartening. i really dont like the january weightloss rush... boo.

anyway, what else. i already burned 1000 calories today at my first gym run. :) im going later, no class so far cause its full (OF COURSE)... maybe abs , im gonna keep checking to see if a space gets open. hohum.

two times back again, this is really starting to grow old

so on the spur of the moment thursday i decided to come home for the weekend, for alexa's party. which was alright. eh. maybe not worth it, but whaetver... live and learn.


i weighed myself on thursday after i drank a ton of water and i was 209, so im guessing i would be 208 if it wasnt for the water and the breakfast. :) so good times. and that was on my new scale, so im GOLDENNNN i can finally stop using the shitty broken one. :)

this weekend i REALLY realized how much i am addicted to food and even when i feel HORRIBLE , like truly disgusting and gross i STILL eat more. its somewhat the drugs but mostly just me. and i want it to stop... ugh. ive been waiting all weekend for today, cause i go back to boston and i begin a week of being healthy. which i love. why do i sabotage myself?

well we;ll see how this week goes :)

you and me together, through the days and nights...

so this weekend came and went. its the week again. yay!

haha.

i set a goal for my birthday: 185. not too much to ask for, huh? :)

what else... not much really lol. my minigoal for this week is just focusing on myself and my weight loss. im not going home this weekend , but i brought my car up here so i can go skiing up around here! cant wait. hope it isnt too cold.

i need to sleeeeeep

its almost 4 oclock. i really wish it wasnt haha . but it is. im getting up in 4 hours or so, my aunts and cousins are coming at 10 ish to pick me up and i need to get ready. we're going skiing in pennslyvania, they have a house up there! im so excited... of course i left mybeautiful new ski jacket in boston. rhg. but oh well, still stoked.

its nice that its an event that revolves around being physical, not eating.

i HATE eating. i feel disgusting these past two days that ive been home and i cant stand it. this is why i need to go home though, to remind myself of what im doing and that i need to stay up there in boston OP for a few weeks, how it does me good. im just scared for the summer.

i need to address some serious issues inside myself. it might be time for a therapist.

haha dont get the wrong idea, its not SERIOUS issues. just emotional. my friend dave says he thinks everyone should go, just to talk. for release. to figure stuff out. i definitely agree.

big girls dont cry

the bathingsuit came in the mail! its gorgeous. i wanna be gorgeous too. ;)

in other news, im adding another resolution to my new year's ones. are you ready?

take a picture of myself doing a cartwheel.

of course i have to wait until i can actually do a cartwheel, and where i dont look like a big blob doing it.

ALSO ! i lost 4.9 lbs this week! im almost back at my pre-holiday weight! haha . maybe it doesnt sound like a cause to celebrate, but i am. :)

i keep trying to upload a new picture of me but freewebs it being difficult. however, will continue...

1010101010

heyyyy. so today was much better than yesterday lol. im glad i didnt binge though, and the outlet really did help. i want to set some goals, though, with rewards. im focusing alot on this summer, because when the weather gets warmer more skin shows! haha. thats what im really looking ahead to. and hopefully i'll be more comfortable in my own skin.

so, to help me get towards that... my goal, when i hit 170, is to buy this bathing-suit from j-crew. i know i set my resolution as wearing a bikini sometime before the summer ends, but i think also a one-piece would be a challenge too. but i think this one is sexy and really cute. i think i'll buy it in a size 12 and see how we go. im only two sizes away!!

feeling like crap

so this is supposed to be my outlet instead of emotional eating, right?

ive been all emotional today. snow days SUCK when they land on mondays. ive already had two days of non-structure i cant STAND it. its amazing i didnt eat mountains of spaghetti and gallons of ice cream. i cant figure out myself... i dont even feel good about all the exercising and eatingwell that ive done. its like a lose lose...im SO stressed that what happened last spring semester is going to happen all over again this semester. ill just gain weight instead of losing. and ill struggle through the whole experience. a waste of time... i dont know why im so damn negatie though, ive already proved last semester i could change. why do i think the next few months might be any different? i need to think positively... i can DO IT. i dont want to be fat anymore! no amount of carbs and chocolate is going to heal that wound... only time and sweat. ughhh. perserverance.

i need positive thinking skinny vibes. tomorrow's a new day. and for once, i say that without having screwed up the past 24 hrs.

it's cold, it's raining

so i just weighed myself for the first time since december 21. and i gained 6 lbs. which was kind of a shock, even though i was worried it'd be that much i never really pictured that happening. or in the past few days i guess i felt like i was back around 210. which i guess i am. im not going to let this discourage me, yes it's a setback BUT a setback is a setup for a comeback. that being said, it's only been 5 days of being OP so chances are i will shed a few more pounds of waterweight by next week and then lose 1-2 lbs as usual. so i'm optimistic for next week, hopefully i'll be back around 210. it's happened before, and when i sneaked peeks at the scale during the great disaster of holiday messes, i was WAY over 215 so i suppose i should take it as a compliment that it decided to let me have 214 haha.

regardless, i think now is the perfect time to switch scales. although my scale is pretty new, i got it in september, i took it back and forth on trains too many times and it only measures in KG now so i have to do online conversions, and im just wary of it's accuracy. so i might go and get a WW scale, just in case i decide to go back to meetings in the summer, at least it'll be cohesive. and now's a good time cause im kind of up in the air with my weight. in other words, i was always worried about getting a new scale cause i was worried it'd put me at a higher weight than the old one, but at this point i'm already dealing with that. maybe i'll go shopping tonight.

i love endorphins!

gym classes started today!!! :) i already took thighs butts and guts, it was REALLY great. kristie wasnt the instructor anymore, which kind of bummed me out, but the new one is WAY intense and more into cardio and intensity. and we did different new excersizes so i think this semesters going to be amazingggg in that respect. :)
that being said, i am so tired, but it was totally worth it. next class im going to take my heart rate monitor with me and see how many calories i burned. i definitely burned ALOT tonight.

which is GREAT, because tomorrow is weigh-in! and im scared but excited. at this point there's really not much else to do, just one more workout so ive done what i can ! gotta see where i am, and go from there. but i feel back to normal, so im hoping im somewhere around 208... idk could go either way.

gooooood day :)

today was such a good day! i think its basically due to the cup of coffee i had this morning before class. yes. and what good experiences i had during classes. my art music and drama class is really great- i love how enthusiastic the teacher is about the music especially and how awesome it is to just really listen to the music he plays. we listened to beethoven's fifth symphony today and its pretty amazing. i loved how beethoven described the four note theme as "fate knocking on the door." it sounds ridiculous but i related it to my weight loss journey. it begins with such a angry, anxious tone and then there are areas of optimism and triumph, weaved in between the anxiousness. :) i think im going to get into classic more.

anyway, back to the coffee. haha. it really gave me the pick me up i needed, and i was so more energetic the whole day, but i dont want to drink coffee because its really just not good for you, and my mom has high blood pressure , some of it because she drank so muhc coffee. so i bought caffeinated tea so we'll try it out. side note: WHY are most of the teas decaffeinated?! whats the point?! haha. its ridiculous.

then the rest of the day was just good. had a really good workouttttt. pushed myself a little. speaking of, i got an hour til i go back there again. and today started gymclass registration. so gotta get that in, and find out when classes start. :)

it just had to be , it was in my way

it's kind of killing me not knowing how much i weigh. but i know i have to wait til friday because im probably still carrying water weight and stuff from last week sooo... im gonna have to wait it out. im just scared. sometimes im like aw itll probably be nothing and i was worried for no reason... but the other half of me is like fuckkk its going to be like 10 lbs and i will be completely blindsided by it... its frustrating.