soo of course i woke up a little bit sicker this morning. haha. spent the day drinking nyquil & trying not to cough in classes. it sucked. but its over now & i hope ill be better tomorrow. at least i better be good on friday.
uh totally unrelated but it hit me today how big coco is getting! shes not a little baby cat anymore... shes huge. okay not huge.... medium sized. shes like 9 months old now! wowow.
also unrelated- one of my neighbors either has a new musical hobby or blew a ton of $$ on a kickass sound system, but its damn annoying . AND they never ever start it up til its at least 11 pm. what gives? bleh. always right before i start to wind it up to go to bed. & the poor coconut was sleeping but now her eyes are halfopen in what looks like disbelief/pain from the booming bass. :(
okay so listen to this. somehow i figured alot of shit out today. okay not really. i REFINED some of my thoughts. here they are in fun list form!!!
1. i am a food addict, i need to break my addiction. period.
this is super important. i am finally realizing that this isnt something i can run from anymore. or just deal with binges as they happen. they cant happen. obviously there will be relapses but before it was more like 'okay, im going to be good good good for as long as i can until i fall on my face but then once im down i might as well smush my face deeper into the mud' but now im like 'i better not fall. & if i fall, i get back up & try damn hard never to go there again." its not cool. its not alright. it is ruling my life & guess what i want my life to be ruled by the strongest part of me, not the weakest. addiction sucks. fight the power, yo. its my personal revolution , ffff politiks.
2. life is ongoing.
ive been driving myself so crazy thinking about evrything i am dissatisfied with in my life. i have this theory that mylife is split into two worlds, boston & new jersey. in one, boston, i have structure & im losing weight and i am a grownup living alone fending for myself. survival biotches! in the second, back home, i have everyone i love. i live where i love. its my heart. so these two , by themselves, are NOT enough. at all. i need both of the elements of each to come together, which they will when i graduate. may 1st is the first day of my new life. or at least the last day of my old life. okay, NO. its the celebration of my old life & new life. haha. perfectionnn. i cant wait to be the person i want to be. college graduate, job i like, MY perfect body, living not at home... probably with a roommate or two. we'll have to see where it all goes. its not gonna be easy but its sure as hell gonna be fun. & better than this limbo im in.
3. my life is a construction zone!
i can deal with the limbo. its necessary to get to the life i ultimately want. i am not going to dwell on things i cant control. i am not going to agonize over whether or not im missing out on something at home. i am where i am, doing what i do, so that later i can be the best me. :) if i dont sacrifice now i will never get what i want. id rather spend the next 6 months in less than perfect conditions so that i can get the best possible outcome after that.
4. there is ultimately one 'right' guy for me,
and it is highly doubtful i have met him yet. the one i have been preoccupied with lately just isnt. & its crazy because okay i knew he wasnt right right right for me before, but i like to deny these things. & yeah, ill settle. cause i guess i figure im not in it for MARRIAGe, like im 21 & i wouldnt mind a few relationships before i find the last one, but thats not cool. settling. my mom always says to find someone who NEEDS you & would do ANYTHING for you & fuck it shes right! i want someone to treat me like my dad treats my mom. nothing less period.
:) THINKIN POSITIVE, OHH YEAHhhhHHh.
& i also discovered that i want to feel sexy. i never have. I WILL.
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