xx

ah! when will this madness end? the classes at my gym are STILL getting filled super ridiculously fast. basically by 8 am of the day BEFORE the class its totally unavailable. i have to remember to sign on at 12 am when they go up and register as soon as possible. its so annoying. theyre a big part of my success and life... its disheartening. i really dont like the january weightloss rush... boo.

anyway, what else. i already burned 1000 calories today at my first gym run. :) im going later, no class so far cause its full (OF COURSE)... maybe abs , im gonna keep checking to see if a space gets open. hohum.

two times back again, this is really starting to grow old

so on the spur of the moment thursday i decided to come home for the weekend, for alexa's party. which was alright. eh. maybe not worth it, but whaetver... live and learn.


i weighed myself on thursday after i drank a ton of water and i was 209, so im guessing i would be 208 if it wasnt for the water and the breakfast. :) so good times. and that was on my new scale, so im GOLDENNNN i can finally stop using the shitty broken one. :)

this weekend i REALLY realized how much i am addicted to food and even when i feel HORRIBLE , like truly disgusting and gross i STILL eat more. its somewhat the drugs but mostly just me. and i want it to stop... ugh. ive been waiting all weekend for today, cause i go back to boston and i begin a week of being healthy. which i love. why do i sabotage myself?

well we;ll see how this week goes :)

you and me together, through the days and nights...

so this weekend came and went. its the week again. yay!

haha.

i set a goal for my birthday: 185. not too much to ask for, huh? :)

what else... not much really lol. my minigoal for this week is just focusing on myself and my weight loss. im not going home this weekend , but i brought my car up here so i can go skiing up around here! cant wait. hope it isnt too cold.

i need to sleeeeeep

its almost 4 oclock. i really wish it wasnt haha . but it is. im getting up in 4 hours or so, my aunts and cousins are coming at 10 ish to pick me up and i need to get ready. we're going skiing in pennslyvania, they have a house up there! im so excited... of course i left mybeautiful new ski jacket in boston. rhg. but oh well, still stoked.

its nice that its an event that revolves around being physical, not eating.

i HATE eating. i feel disgusting these past two days that ive been home and i cant stand it. this is why i need to go home though, to remind myself of what im doing and that i need to stay up there in boston OP for a few weeks, how it does me good. im just scared for the summer.

i need to address some serious issues inside myself. it might be time for a therapist.

haha dont get the wrong idea, its not SERIOUS issues. just emotional. my friend dave says he thinks everyone should go, just to talk. for release. to figure stuff out. i definitely agree.

big girls dont cry

the bathingsuit came in the mail! its gorgeous. i wanna be gorgeous too. ;)

in other news, im adding another resolution to my new year's ones. are you ready?

take a picture of myself doing a cartwheel.

of course i have to wait until i can actually do a cartwheel, and where i dont look like a big blob doing it.

ALSO ! i lost 4.9 lbs this week! im almost back at my pre-holiday weight! haha . maybe it doesnt sound like a cause to celebrate, but i am. :)

i keep trying to upload a new picture of me but freewebs it being difficult. however, will continue...

1010101010

heyyyy. so today was much better than yesterday lol. im glad i didnt binge though, and the outlet really did help. i want to set some goals, though, with rewards. im focusing alot on this summer, because when the weather gets warmer more skin shows! haha. thats what im really looking ahead to. and hopefully i'll be more comfortable in my own skin.

so, to help me get towards that... my goal, when i hit 170, is to buy this bathing-suit from j-crew. i know i set my resolution as wearing a bikini sometime before the summer ends, but i think also a one-piece would be a challenge too. but i think this one is sexy and really cute. i think i'll buy it in a size 12 and see how we go. im only two sizes away!!

feeling like crap

so this is supposed to be my outlet instead of emotional eating, right?

ive been all emotional today. snow days SUCK when they land on mondays. ive already had two days of non-structure i cant STAND it. its amazing i didnt eat mountains of spaghetti and gallons of ice cream. i cant figure out myself... i dont even feel good about all the exercising and eatingwell that ive done. its like a lose lose...im SO stressed that what happened last spring semester is going to happen all over again this semester. ill just gain weight instead of losing. and ill struggle through the whole experience. a waste of time... i dont know why im so damn negatie though, ive already proved last semester i could change. why do i think the next few months might be any different? i need to think positively... i can DO IT. i dont want to be fat anymore! no amount of carbs and chocolate is going to heal that wound... only time and sweat. ughhh. perserverance.

i need positive thinking skinny vibes. tomorrow's a new day. and for once, i say that without having screwed up the past 24 hrs.

it's cold, it's raining

so i just weighed myself for the first time since december 21. and i gained 6 lbs. which was kind of a shock, even though i was worried it'd be that much i never really pictured that happening. or in the past few days i guess i felt like i was back around 210. which i guess i am. im not going to let this discourage me, yes it's a setback BUT a setback is a setup for a comeback. that being said, it's only been 5 days of being OP so chances are i will shed a few more pounds of waterweight by next week and then lose 1-2 lbs as usual. so i'm optimistic for next week, hopefully i'll be back around 210. it's happened before, and when i sneaked peeks at the scale during the great disaster of holiday messes, i was WAY over 215 so i suppose i should take it as a compliment that it decided to let me have 214 haha.

regardless, i think now is the perfect time to switch scales. although my scale is pretty new, i got it in september, i took it back and forth on trains too many times and it only measures in KG now so i have to do online conversions, and im just wary of it's accuracy. so i might go and get a WW scale, just in case i decide to go back to meetings in the summer, at least it'll be cohesive. and now's a good time cause im kind of up in the air with my weight. in other words, i was always worried about getting a new scale cause i was worried it'd put me at a higher weight than the old one, but at this point i'm already dealing with that. maybe i'll go shopping tonight.

i love endorphins!

gym classes started today!!! :) i already took thighs butts and guts, it was REALLY great. kristie wasnt the instructor anymore, which kind of bummed me out, but the new one is WAY intense and more into cardio and intensity. and we did different new excersizes so i think this semesters going to be amazingggg in that respect. :)
that being said, i am so tired, but it was totally worth it. next class im going to take my heart rate monitor with me and see how many calories i burned. i definitely burned ALOT tonight.

which is GREAT, because tomorrow is weigh-in! and im scared but excited. at this point there's really not much else to do, just one more workout so ive done what i can ! gotta see where i am, and go from there. but i feel back to normal, so im hoping im somewhere around 208... idk could go either way.

gooooood day :)

today was such a good day! i think its basically due to the cup of coffee i had this morning before class. yes. and what good experiences i had during classes. my art music and drama class is really great- i love how enthusiastic the teacher is about the music especially and how awesome it is to just really listen to the music he plays. we listened to beethoven's fifth symphony today and its pretty amazing. i loved how beethoven described the four note theme as "fate knocking on the door." it sounds ridiculous but i related it to my weight loss journey. it begins with such a angry, anxious tone and then there are areas of optimism and triumph, weaved in between the anxiousness. :) i think im going to get into classic more.

anyway, back to the coffee. haha. it really gave me the pick me up i needed, and i was so more energetic the whole day, but i dont want to drink coffee because its really just not good for you, and my mom has high blood pressure , some of it because she drank so muhc coffee. so i bought caffeinated tea so we'll try it out. side note: WHY are most of the teas decaffeinated?! whats the point?! haha. its ridiculous.

then the rest of the day was just good. had a really good workouttttt. pushed myself a little. speaking of, i got an hour til i go back there again. and today started gymclass registration. so gotta get that in, and find out when classes start. :)

it just had to be , it was in my way

it's kind of killing me not knowing how much i weigh. but i know i have to wait til friday because im probably still carrying water weight and stuff from last week sooo... im gonna have to wait it out. im just scared. sometimes im like aw itll probably be nothing and i was worried for no reason... but the other half of me is like fuckkk its going to be like 10 lbs and i will be completely blindsided by it... its frustrating.

FINALLY

i'm back on track. it took a good two weeks, ever since christmas i've just been eating andeating. well. excersizing too, and some days i was good, but its basically been a landslide of bad habits. but i just got back to boston today and the one good thing about it is that i can stay on course here very easily. thank god cause ive been feeling quite shitty lately.

anywayyyy, i have NO idea what i weigh right now. okay, i have some general idea, i think i must have gained at least 3-5 lbs these past two weeks. im just going to suck it up, deal with it and move on. hopefully i havent gone too off track but even if i have there's nothing to do but to suck it up and keep going.

classes start tomorrow, bleh bleh. gym class registration starts wednesday and i dunno when the classes themselves start... i hope next monday. i wish they were already going.