im gonna soak up the sun

let's talk about the future, not the past.

yeah, thats not obvious.

ANYWAY. im feelin pretty good today. physically at least, ive been kinda grumpy since i woke up. but i feel slim. ish. haha. i set a goal , when i hit my 10% im going to go finally use the gift $$ i got for christmas & my birthday to buy myself a tiffany necklace. it will remind me of my 22 lb loss and how i fckn struggggggled for it. plus it will be pretty :) and i need some motivation , some serious goal to keep my diet and pride intact. im losing it lately.

since summer started i feel like i havent had a real moment to breathe. im literally busy ALL day long. i get up (godwilling) at 6;30, im either at the gym or hitting the road for a walk at 7. i get back at 8, shower, go to work by 9. work til 5, then i am home for an hour ish before i go to the gym, class, or personal trainer w/ nicky. if i dont hang out wiht my friends i go home and watch tv for like an hr, then sleep. its pretty annoying. the gym used to be the biggest and best part of my day, now i feel like its an afterthought. :( i dont really know what to do, i have to work 9-5. not really a way around it...

oh i think im going to join WW in person again this weekend. unfortunately ill probably weigh more on their scales AND weigh more in general because i will not be naked (teehee) but whatever. i have to do something to get myself more involved. if i leave it all up to me i can lie to myself. cant lie to those people. i HATE gaining when i have to weigh in with them!

are you surprised?

so i did it AGAIN. i binged this weekend! ugh. i mean its tuesday again so ive moved past it, yesterday was great. but whyyy did i do that to myself? anyway. moving on past the negativityyyy.

this weekend i kept seeing these commercials that said it takes 21 days to form a good habit. sooo maybe thats another motivational tool. today is day 2 :) and on sunday (when i was soo bloated) i took a picture of myself in my underwear, so thats definitely motivating. cause its not what i want to look like. :( its not who i want to be ! and its not who im going to be.

and last night i definitely kept it together pretty well, there was some upsetting crap going on but i didnt binge or even get really moody about it, i have to say i was really surprised with myself haha. maybe not so much the binging, but i wasnt even as upset as i thought i would be. i guess i was just expecting the worst. but honestly the situation was kinda off somehow, it didnt feel right. (okay, basically = guy i like, sort of strung me along (but maybe im naive) now is hooking up with other girl, girl was hanging out with all of us last night). ANYWAY, it wasnt like they were ALL up on top of each other and really happy, or even seemed like they could carry on an interesting conversation, so maybe thats why i dont really care. its like... if the girl isnt prettier , smarter, or better than you in really any way ( okay, so im overweight shes not, but you cant fix your face) it doesnt seem as sad. hahah. its just like, you're an idiot. but she is nice so im not trying to be mean. .... ish.

ANYWAY besides the point. its sad but im feeling better about my life because... i really believe that everything happens for a reason and its all linear, whatever happens does because its SUPPOSED to, and if things dont they arent going to and arent meant to be. kinda sad if you're really hooked on free will (though thats just a concept we made up)... okay not gonna go there. almost got lost in the abyss *whew*

anyway seriously i see how some of my friends fair in relationships and id just rather not. haha. ill wait til someone really likes me, thanks. and is willing to give up being a douche. cause i dont deal with that sort of crap. its just not worth it. plus whatever, im definitely not secure enough in myself yet to have to worry about being good enough for someone else. a boy , no less. they expect nothing less (more?) than size 2 jeans and 0 iq levels. its brilliant, it really is. ill wait. :)

im walkin on sunshine

okay so ive officially been back on track since tuesday! binge free 3 days now :) and i intend to keep up the trend.

but i did hurt my foot while i was running on tuesday night and i havent really been able to excersize since. i did take an hour walk yesterday but it was uncomfortable by the end. :( kinda sucks. so i weighed in this morning and thanks to my binging last weekend i have gained 1.3 lbs. WOO. not. but i told myself its fine, its A POUND and i FEEL damn good about my body and where im headed so im not going to let it distract me. next week i will make a big dent in it :) STAY POSITIVE , SELF!

on a more personal note, i was apprehensive about thsi weekend but now im looking forward to it and im going to enjoy whatever happens. its all about positive thinking, right? .. riiiiiiiiiiiight ;)

struggugglugglin

i think im going to start writing in this more often. so many things i dont say out loud or on paper but im thinking them all the time. important things to my weightloss.

i guess im just trying to stay afloat. there are times when im so gung-ho about kickin some ass and losing the weight, being serious about it and all. then i just fail. i guess its when i hang out with my friends, which is horrible but true... we eat together. i never really acknowledged that but thats what we do. when we're bored. when we're not bored. when we're hungry or not hungry. upset, happy, we eat. its bad. its a cycle. i guess i just get scared... when ive been good all day adn then i know im going to hang out with them that night or that weekend... im scared cause i know im doomed. or i feel that i might be. its kind of like sliding down a slippery slope. trying really hard to dig my feet in when i know itd be so easier just to let go and deal with the wreckage the next day. :(

the THING IS, i dont want to be wreckage to deal with anymore. i want to be a whole, fresh, strong person. i KNOW i am, i am sometimes already! i just dont want to be collapsible at any moment into this pathetic, sloppy, weak girl i know i can be. i demand perfection and then am too lazy to achieve it. this is a cycle that i hate but i am too weak to break from right now. i mean IM TRYING, today is a new day and i am breaking free, im broken from it right now. i can make it through the week, easy. but ask me about nxt week, then im not so sure. ask me about friday, god knows what could go wrong this weekend to set me off. to make me eat. to force me to turn to food. its sick.

i bought this book yesterday, called confessions of a carb queen. its about this really obese woman and how she struggled with food and being overweight and then eventually how she lost it. well im only at the part where she is struggling. and it just makes me ill to hear about how she runs to food and how she gorges herself with it. i think of it as perfect ammunition against my own addiction. then last night hit and i binged, i mean, a slight binge but still. i dont want to be her, i know im not 460 lbs, 35 years old but I COULD BE. i mean inside im just like her. inside i am gaining hundreds of pounds with every reeses cup. i am as insecure and as sick as she is, was, whatever. i mean there is a silver lining, i lost 100 lbs, she beat her addiction, im trying to overcome mine. its a work in progress. but i cant fake it all the way through the day and then at night lose control. its not WORTH IT. but if i was a coke addict, i couldnt just give up when i go back for the hit after days of staying clean. you have to try AGAin. you try again until you fail, or you die. im dying emotionally, this is who i am... i need to heal myself. literally. im serious.

im going to. you can know that for sure. this is a disease and you have to fight it. period.

i should not have let you go ...

okay so i didnt weigh in AGAIN this week. i know, im awful. a bad seed. silly. but i let myself go thursday and here i am, monday, not really sure what i weigh or why i didnt just stick to my guns.

because my guns are unsure of themselves too. i think.

i struggle, i struggle.

anyway. im buckling down AGAIN for like the 50th time, im not letting this keep me down no matter how many pathetic times i fall. bleh.

set a goal of 202 for june 1st. please god . haha.

i tried to escape this desire

ill do what i have to do.

i hate boys.

anyway. im back down to 209. which is somewhat depressing, yeah. but. you live and learn. and fuck up again. and then pretend youve learned. but do it again.

happy monday everybodyyyyyyyyyyyy not.

all i can do is put my head down and dig in deep. do something good for myself. kill my body to make it better.

im gonna go pick up some 5 hr energy crap after work and then it is ON. i may run around the country. or

ya know... the county.

sigh.