some language i dont even know how to speak

oh my goddd i am so on edge right now its not even funny. my world has been turned upside down in a matter of days. im scared because tomrorow i have to have a talk with my dad about transferring out of northeastern to ramapo and im just scared that they wont let me. i dont know. im freaking out inside...

but enough about that... im also blehhh about weighing in tomorrow... its no excuse but i havent been able to recharge my ipod this week cause i left the charger at home so i have no ipod... so i havent been to the gym my usual twice a day, just once and no more than an hour (besides the classes) so... yeah. PLUS i was bad on thanksgiving and friday and saturday, so thats three days in a row compared to my usual two, AND i wasnt able to work out enough to possibly counteract the effects. AND i just signed up for the Biggest loser challenge on the WW 20's board and we start with this week's weight! i might gain the first week of the challenge. that bites. i hate holidays.

wuh.

my amazing person of the week award has to go to my brother fred. he's been SO incredibly supportive about everything lately even when i dont ask him to be. he's really turning into a great kid, im glad about that. i hope mike pleasantly surprises me too. :)

second runner up is ktb. shes such a good friend.

sigh. okay all i have to do is get through tonight and then a weigh in, two tests tomorrow and a train ride.. then i face the parents... oh my god i hope they understand the importance of this to me... i know my dad will...i hope.... ahhhhhh

wuh

thanksgiving break came and went REALLLLLLY fast. :\ kind of sucks. i miss everyone.

but... i guess its good maybe i needed time apart? not so much because of them but because of ME. i just need to be completely alone to really focus on losing weight. which just seems so wrong when i think about it... and not COMPLETELY true because i was on track sunday monday and tuesday and hung out with everyone for at least two of those days. but i guess its just easier with no distractions. so. idk.

thank god i only have 2 more weeks left of school though, i so dont want to be here right now. i was only home for like 8 days but it felt like foreverrr again and now it just feels weird to be back here.

well i guess im gonna go to the gym and then back to study....

on the way :)

im home for thanksgiving break! i just decided to skip classes monday and come home, cause yeah. all the gym classes and stuff were cancelled so there was no point. it was nicky's birthday yesterday too. :)
OMG she already looks so much smaller! and its only been two weeks. so cool.

im feeling pretty good about how this week is going to go, i really want to lose a good 2-3 lbs. i think it can be done. :) we'll see.
so tired. had a big group sleepover last night. nothng but love for all of those kids.

oh, and another thing

i've also spent a whole lot of time worrying and thinking about when i get down to my goal weight. maintaining. not so much now, while im in college, but im realyl worried about when i get married and have kids and stuff.

haha its so ridiculous... i need some medication to make me stop overthinking.

who decides the test of what is really best?

ftrkafrkskQA AHHH i just wrote a whole thing and it got deleted because im an idiot.

fjkasfksdkafjdgjsfdhgjshjgriegfivsd,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway.

BASICALLY. ive been tossing and turning for the past hour trying to go to sleep, running numbers through my head. weight loss numbers, to be exact. and basically what ive come up with is that there is nothing wrong with 210 as my goal for christmas. 9 lbs in six weeks is a perfectly good weight loss, and i dont want to get my hopes up for 200. besides, ive been running through the numbers and i dont think i can get down to 200 by jan 1st. it's more likely i'll be like 205 or so. which is fine. i've lost 5 lbs a week before, last year around this time, and i got down to 220 before i shot back up to 230 and then finally to 240 for most of the year. and it just wasnt worth it. i'd rather go slowly down to 200, and keep going, then get there fast and then gain a few lbs back the next week or w/e . i mean, not saying that that would happen but who knows? id rather just play it safe and keep doing what i've been doing, if i'm 203 on jan 1st so what? the rate im going at is fine, its perfect, actually.

just need to keep on keeping on. :)

oh, and ive also been thinking that since i lost 30 lbs, it's going to start really showing sometime soon. it kind of takes a while for your body to really catch up with the numbers. so i'm excited for that.

okay hopefully i can go to sleep now. blahhhh.

just turn around now, you're not welcome anymore

i secretly want to be under 200 lbs by the new year. that's my *top-secret* new goal. my old goal was 210 but since im already 219, that's basically just a given. i havent changed it on weight watchers, though, because 200 is a bit of a stretch. i mean, its not a definite, like 210 is. so i keep 210 on there, knowing i'll make it. and i keep 200 in my mind, scared i wont make it and then ill have failed my goal. but i mean its basically my goal, regardless of whether its written down or not. if i am over 200 come january 1st, i'll be sad because i had this vision of starting the new year CLEAN, under 200 and never going back. its just a fake sort of deadline we set for ourselves, what do years really mean (hahah a hell of a whole lot) but ... yeahhhh its important. 19 lbs in six weeks! i think i can do it. ive done better.

anyway, im skipping class right now to go to the gym. haha. well not really, it just sort of happened. but now ill go to the gym. and really mean it. i just have to work SUPER hard and i'll definitely make my new secret goal.

but still, dont tell anyone haha.

the best best best best plans of both mice and men

yayyyy!! i lost -3.4 lbs this week! i weigh less than i can ever remember weighing, literally. :) probably freshman year of high school, maybe even before then. sooo happy.

i really want to know how much ive weighed and when. like, before college. im thinking the doctors would have that recorded somewhere, i mean they always wrote it down and stuff all those years, they probably keep those records, right? i wonder if its that easy to uncover. but i really wanna know. i think that'd be cool.

nicky's surgery went perfectly. :) i think shes coming home from the hospital today. and im coming home this weekend so i can visit her and see if shes changed yet. haha. jk i know it takes more time than 2 days. this year is going to be so fun. hahaha. i ordered a stuffed animal bear and balloons to be delivered to her room and she named the bear "skinny" haha cause that's what we're both going to be. love my bff.

anyway train in a few hrs, gotta get ready.

i try to be like grace kelly

ill just get right into it, last week i lost 5.6 lbs!!! at first i thought maybe there was something wrong with the scale but it makes a whole lot of sense. ive had small weight losses the past few weeks and i had been eating alot of sushi. soy sauce + rice = not good. i probably retained ALOT of water. an episode of the biggest loser i just watched said that rice retains water in your stomach too, just like it does in the pot when you're cooking it. so the once a week avocado rolls was a good idea. ill stick to it.



hm, other than that.... i wasnt as good as i thought id try to be friday & saturday. ugh. its like i cant help it... but i know i can blah blah. i dont think it did any major damage, so im not too bent out of shape, i do WORK MY ASS OFF at the gym when i go home. so. but its just annoying, kinda like stalling the weight loss for 2 days. which could mean 1 lb less at WI friday. but. what can you do.... we'll see how this weekend goes. home again. ah.

nickys gastric bypass surgery was today!!! it went well! :) which is terrific and im glad for her.... cant wait to see the changes. and you know. all the good stuff.