to face unafraid the plans that we've made

sigh. so this weekend was pretty disastrous diet wise. it wasnt all that interesting social wise either haha. but what can you do. it was alright... i spent some of it beating myself up for eating badly... typical. i dunno. all i can say is i have to try again tomorrow. thats all you can do really. and tomorrow's christmas eve! but it'll be alright... there's not TOO mch bad crap to eat. and the gym is open til 5 so i'll definitely spend some time there. im just excited to see my family. i LOVE THEMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

ahhhhhh.

this break has been REALLY good family wise. and friend wise. i love everyone!! haha. morale is at an all time high. :) happiness.

safjlkgdajsfldj

today started off as THE PERFECT DAY.

and it has ended in shambles

as i should have known it would! somehow i convince myself it will begin and end as the awesomest day ever.

wuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

im getting nowhere with the guy i like. OKAY: IM NOT GETTING NOWHERE. in fact, thats the whole problem! he basically does everything, including basically saying we were going to chill this weekend, and then PULLS BACK at the last minute and i am left frustrated and confused. im so overrrrrr it. he needs to grow a pair or decide he doesnt want to be anything more than friends. cause its sooooo annoying.

of course i get upset and BLOW my diet. eat everything.

THEN i decide : who cares? why did i ruin this day for a stupid little thing like that?

i pull myself together but its ALMOST too late..

well i cant eat anymore tonight, but i can excersize until i die.

which i intend to do. blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

everybody loves somebody sometimes

goooood day.
i havent written in awhile... last week was kinda crappy, i didnt even really weigh in. i weighed myself wednesday night and i was at 211 but i figured i was up 2 lbs from what i *really* was because a) i was wearing clothes and b) it was at night, not morning. so i estimated 209. but i never got to weigh myslef because i fucked up thursday and ate alot. so now im kinda frightened for friday... but we'll see. hopefully i win. :)

today was really good. it was the company christmas dinner. i ate really well , cept i had a piece of cake. but when i got home i ran so it was no big. :D

im officially tea-obsessed.

also, i promised myself i'd stay OP til christmas... im at least going to try to be good until friday. but i really hope i can make it til monday... cause it sucks if im such a slave to food and shit. bah. we'll see.

yay!!!!!!!!

yesssss! i just weighed in and i'm down 3.3 lbs from last week! i'm only .8 away from my christmas goal! so thats pretty awesome. :)
last night was realllllllllllly weird.

realllllly.

but yay!!!!!!!!! im so happyyyyy

come together right now, over me.

i said good 4 times in the last post haha. weird. i guess i must be happy.

which is crazy. i really dont get myself sometimes.

i drove back to boston this morning, i had to go the speed limit so it took me 4 hours haha. but it honestly wasnt so bad. i LOVE driving. so much better than the train, even if it takes an extra hour. and even if i have to stop 5 times to pee. yeah, you heard me. literally 5 times.

drinking 6 liters a day is awesome, and im totally glad i put that minigoal into effect. :)

abs class was soo intense tonight! i can still feel my muscles. and my midsection is so much thinner than it used to be. not thin by any means, but for me, it is. and i love hearing my friends say i look skinny. that's the best.

we went down the shore this weekend and each morning i woke up at 10 and ran for about an hour. it was awesomeeeeee! i love running. who would have thought id be a runner? well. i mean, im closer to being a runner than anyone i know haha. im planning on running my usual 5 mile walk around the charles tomorrow, if the weather permits. i hope it does!

okay, the hills is on in 3 minutes, then i gotta start my paper. ah! it shouldnt be too bad actually, im going to write a prequel to one of the stories we read, cause thats an option. PEACE.

my lungs are fresh& yours to keep

soooo i only gained .3 lbs last week haha. aka stayed the same, because .3 can be accredited to average fluctuation. so i wasnt upset or anything, i was kinda happy i leveled out. good thing is, the biggest loser challenge starts THIS week, so i'm all good. i want to lose 2-3 lbs this week. kicking off december at 211 lbs would be pretty cool. and im happy with 214 right now . :) life is good.

i love eeee my friends. this weekend was really good. :) i cant wait til christmas break.

which begins THURSDAY.! boo. yahhhhh

some language i dont even know how to speak

oh my goddd i am so on edge right now its not even funny. my world has been turned upside down in a matter of days. im scared because tomrorow i have to have a talk with my dad about transferring out of northeastern to ramapo and im just scared that they wont let me. i dont know. im freaking out inside...

but enough about that... im also blehhh about weighing in tomorrow... its no excuse but i havent been able to recharge my ipod this week cause i left the charger at home so i have no ipod... so i havent been to the gym my usual twice a day, just once and no more than an hour (besides the classes) so... yeah. PLUS i was bad on thanksgiving and friday and saturday, so thats three days in a row compared to my usual two, AND i wasnt able to work out enough to possibly counteract the effects. AND i just signed up for the Biggest loser challenge on the WW 20's board and we start with this week's weight! i might gain the first week of the challenge. that bites. i hate holidays.

wuh.

my amazing person of the week award has to go to my brother fred. he's been SO incredibly supportive about everything lately even when i dont ask him to be. he's really turning into a great kid, im glad about that. i hope mike pleasantly surprises me too. :)

second runner up is ktb. shes such a good friend.

sigh. okay all i have to do is get through tonight and then a weigh in, two tests tomorrow and a train ride.. then i face the parents... oh my god i hope they understand the importance of this to me... i know my dad will...i hope.... ahhhhhh

wuh

thanksgiving break came and went REALLLLLLY fast. :\ kind of sucks. i miss everyone.

but... i guess its good maybe i needed time apart? not so much because of them but because of ME. i just need to be completely alone to really focus on losing weight. which just seems so wrong when i think about it... and not COMPLETELY true because i was on track sunday monday and tuesday and hung out with everyone for at least two of those days. but i guess its just easier with no distractions. so. idk.

thank god i only have 2 more weeks left of school though, i so dont want to be here right now. i was only home for like 8 days but it felt like foreverrr again and now it just feels weird to be back here.

well i guess im gonna go to the gym and then back to study....

on the way :)

im home for thanksgiving break! i just decided to skip classes monday and come home, cause yeah. all the gym classes and stuff were cancelled so there was no point. it was nicky's birthday yesterday too. :)
OMG she already looks so much smaller! and its only been two weeks. so cool.

im feeling pretty good about how this week is going to go, i really want to lose a good 2-3 lbs. i think it can be done. :) we'll see.
so tired. had a big group sleepover last night. nothng but love for all of those kids.

oh, and another thing

i've also spent a whole lot of time worrying and thinking about when i get down to my goal weight. maintaining. not so much now, while im in college, but im realyl worried about when i get married and have kids and stuff.

haha its so ridiculous... i need some medication to make me stop overthinking.

who decides the test of what is really best?

ftrkafrkskQA AHHH i just wrote a whole thing and it got deleted because im an idiot.

fjkasfksdkafjdgjsfdhgjshjgriegfivsd,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway.

BASICALLY. ive been tossing and turning for the past hour trying to go to sleep, running numbers through my head. weight loss numbers, to be exact. and basically what ive come up with is that there is nothing wrong with 210 as my goal for christmas. 9 lbs in six weeks is a perfectly good weight loss, and i dont want to get my hopes up for 200. besides, ive been running through the numbers and i dont think i can get down to 200 by jan 1st. it's more likely i'll be like 205 or so. which is fine. i've lost 5 lbs a week before, last year around this time, and i got down to 220 before i shot back up to 230 and then finally to 240 for most of the year. and it just wasnt worth it. i'd rather go slowly down to 200, and keep going, then get there fast and then gain a few lbs back the next week or w/e . i mean, not saying that that would happen but who knows? id rather just play it safe and keep doing what i've been doing, if i'm 203 on jan 1st so what? the rate im going at is fine, its perfect, actually.

just need to keep on keeping on. :)

oh, and ive also been thinking that since i lost 30 lbs, it's going to start really showing sometime soon. it kind of takes a while for your body to really catch up with the numbers. so i'm excited for that.

okay hopefully i can go to sleep now. blahhhh.

just turn around now, you're not welcome anymore

i secretly want to be under 200 lbs by the new year. that's my *top-secret* new goal. my old goal was 210 but since im already 219, that's basically just a given. i havent changed it on weight watchers, though, because 200 is a bit of a stretch. i mean, its not a definite, like 210 is. so i keep 210 on there, knowing i'll make it. and i keep 200 in my mind, scared i wont make it and then ill have failed my goal. but i mean its basically my goal, regardless of whether its written down or not. if i am over 200 come january 1st, i'll be sad because i had this vision of starting the new year CLEAN, under 200 and never going back. its just a fake sort of deadline we set for ourselves, what do years really mean (hahah a hell of a whole lot) but ... yeahhhh its important. 19 lbs in six weeks! i think i can do it. ive done better.

anyway, im skipping class right now to go to the gym. haha. well not really, it just sort of happened. but now ill go to the gym. and really mean it. i just have to work SUPER hard and i'll definitely make my new secret goal.

but still, dont tell anyone haha.

the best best best best plans of both mice and men

yayyyy!! i lost -3.4 lbs this week! i weigh less than i can ever remember weighing, literally. :) probably freshman year of high school, maybe even before then. sooo happy.

i really want to know how much ive weighed and when. like, before college. im thinking the doctors would have that recorded somewhere, i mean they always wrote it down and stuff all those years, they probably keep those records, right? i wonder if its that easy to uncover. but i really wanna know. i think that'd be cool.

nicky's surgery went perfectly. :) i think shes coming home from the hospital today. and im coming home this weekend so i can visit her and see if shes changed yet. haha. jk i know it takes more time than 2 days. this year is going to be so fun. hahaha. i ordered a stuffed animal bear and balloons to be delivered to her room and she named the bear "skinny" haha cause that's what we're both going to be. love my bff.

anyway train in a few hrs, gotta get ready.

i try to be like grace kelly

ill just get right into it, last week i lost 5.6 lbs!!! at first i thought maybe there was something wrong with the scale but it makes a whole lot of sense. ive had small weight losses the past few weeks and i had been eating alot of sushi. soy sauce + rice = not good. i probably retained ALOT of water. an episode of the biggest loser i just watched said that rice retains water in your stomach too, just like it does in the pot when you're cooking it. so the once a week avocado rolls was a good idea. ill stick to it.



hm, other than that.... i wasnt as good as i thought id try to be friday & saturday. ugh. its like i cant help it... but i know i can blah blah. i dont think it did any major damage, so im not too bent out of shape, i do WORK MY ASS OFF at the gym when i go home. so. but its just annoying, kinda like stalling the weight loss for 2 days. which could mean 1 lb less at WI friday. but. what can you do.... we'll see how this weekend goes. home again. ah.

nickys gastric bypass surgery was today!!! it went well! :) which is terrific and im glad for her.... cant wait to see the changes. and you know. all the good stuff.

im gonna take you to the glory!

yooooo. so. according to the doctor, the blood test didnt indicate anything wrong w/ my thyroid. at first i was reallly REALLY upset because its like i KNOW there's something wrong with me, i have all these symptoms and no cause. but. i dunno.

these past two weeks really have been bumming me out. i only lost like 1.5 lbs each week. and last week especially i worked SO SO hard. so. i dunno. im thinking maybe its because i ate an average of 1300 calories instead of 1100-1200. so now im going to cut back to 1200. i dunno.

also i may restrict eating sushi to friday-tuesdays, because soy sauce is so salty and salt retains water. also just cause i eat it so much.

other than that i dunno what else to do. there's no way i could excersize more. but im going to try to stop the binging that goes on during the weekends. because my morale gets really low when i go home and do that. likethis weekend i did that. and. so since i have to go home like every weekend until christmas break, basically, im just going to take it step by step... i at least still worked out everyday, even if friday and saturday i ate so much i ruined it. but whatever.

all i can do is try to plan ahead. so this weekend, saturday is nicky's party thing, so i'll just make sure i eat only fruit until the party and then only have so much stuff. you know. but that'll be my splurge day, and friday i'll try to stay OP. sundays are never really a problem.

wake me up, before you go-go

i went on a 2 hr walk around the charles river today. and i finally estimated the distance, its about 5 miles. so thats something :) with the houston challenge, i finally made it across the nj border into PA! i think i might even make it to texas before the summer.
anyway, on the walk i spent alot of time thinking about the *new me.* that girl's gonna show her face sooner or later. and this summer should be absolutely amazing. the entire new year, actually. im ready!! bring it on.


since i'm pretty close to my next goal, 225.8 lbs to get my new UGGS, these are the two i'm thinking about:

(UGHHH the html isnt working for the pics and im too tired to figure it out tonight. ill fix this tomorrow)


but probably 95% leaning towards the first one. i've still got a week or so to decide. :) it's 3.4 lbs away from friday's weight but im pretty confident. keep your fingers crossed for me!

big huge happy exhausted sigh

i think the best part of this week, hands down, was running on the treadmill blasting 'bring em out,' all while being maybe 1 out of 4 people in the gym. brilliant.
the gym is amazingggg on late friday nights. first off, everyone's out drinking and eating, so there's virtually no one in the gym. maybe like 20 people as opposed to the average 80? im no good with numbers. but its pretty empty. sooo peaceful. it makes working out a whole lot more fun and focused, too. i spent almost two hours there. i was on the arc trainer for 53 minutes, listening to the entire across the universe soundtrack (omg best soundtrack ever). then i put in some time on the bike and finally 1 minute intervals of running on the treadmill for 30 minutes.

i burned a total of -1239 calories today at the gym alone! ah!! and i was so worried because of how much i ate. which was only like 400 calories above my daily usual. so. all in all, i definitely turned this day around.

cmon and get gone

soooo its friday. my favorite day. except today kind of.. was really blahhh. haha. i woke up kinda sore this morning from last night's workout- since we didnt have that many people show up for the thighs class, our instructor took the smaller group up to the track and we lunged and squatted around the entire thing. haha. and we also did this excersize called 'wall squats' where you put your back against the wall with your legs in a 90 degree angle, like you're sitting in a chair. its AGONIZING haha. we held the position for 30 seconds, 3 times. the second time i felt like my legs were going to explode! haha and when we let go,i almost literally collapsed, like my legs couldnt hold my weight. ive experienced that like once before. its weird. but needless to say it really worked me out.

now, where was i?

ohn yeah, sore... well i went to the gym anyway, cause i have have have to before weighing in. so i went, suffered a little... i wasnt into it and i hd to leave after only burning 700 calories (i know, i know it seems like alot but for my body for some reason it isnt...) to get to my class. i weighed in and i lost 1.6 pounds!... i say it with an exclamation point now but im still trying to get myself excited about it. i dunno. its a loss! and its more than i set my goal for. but. its still disappointing when i worked really hard all week. but you reap what you sow, i ate way too much last weekend. this weekend i wont be making that mistake and hopefully ill be rewarded for it.

a few hrs ago i thought i had blown my day, after going to the dining hall. i made some popcorn on the stove (my exroommate is keeping my microwave hostage, ... rgh) and i had intended to eat it all but i stopped halfway and threw the rest out! so i feel good about that. i closed the kitchen, too. its funny how little things like that make me proud and happy when a 1 lb loss makes me disappointed. oh well.

i'm gonna watch some more biggest loser and then eventually head to the gym. i figure ill go a little later though, like 10 or so when not many people'll be there. which will be nice, for a change. the gym is peaceful on weekend nights haha.

thursday

i had such a good workout this afternoon! i ran/fast walked for 30 minutes on the treadmill, at intervals. 2 minutes i would run at 5.3 mph, and 2 i'd walk at 3.5. and i really felt like i was pushing it running for two minutes instead of my usual one, and it just felt good.

i cant wait until tomorrow! weigh in! yay! my goal for this week is 1 lb, because i had a really rough weekend and its all i can expect. next week will be better.

bbbbbenny and the jets

yoooo. another day over. haha. well, mostly. im writing YET ANOTHER paper. ahhh. sometimes i really wonder why i am an english major when i so despise writing papers. but we do what we can to get the degree, i guess. *shrugs*

anyway its only 3-5 pages long so i shouldnt be up too late. and its for a history class so its not that bad, either. i wont complain.

for some reason this week i havent felt as enthused abt my workouts as i was for the last few weeks. i wonder why. i mean i still go and do it, but i cant spend as much time as i usually do on the arc trainer. while before i was on it for like 30 minutes, now i cant last far past 20. or at least, i dont want to. its like torture. i bike alot, but that doesnt burn as much calories and ive been burning less than usual. i dont know. we'll see. im kind of nervous for friday.... :\

im not sure whats going on in the thyroid department. i guess ill find that out next friday, when i FINALLY have a doctor's appt. at home. so it'll be good to finally see what the hell's going on. but i kind of suspect something is up because i have to work my ass off soooooo much , like burning 2,000 calories a day to lose just 3 lbs a week. and idk. i see people on WW and everywhere else just cutting back and working out 3 times a week and getting the same results. so. let's see. im on the fence about if im going to be positive or not for hypothyroidism.

back to paper, i guess. :\

change of heart?

i already went off the 'detox.' haha. i had some scrambled eggs and rice cakes. i dont know, i didnt have enough stuff to eat, literally. i need to go shopping badly. all i have in my fridge right now is yogurt and egg mix. i dont think its a bad thing, although i do feel kind of guilty because of all the detox commitments i made. i even circled the days in my calendar. haha. but i dont know, somehow i dont think its worth it- i mean, im worried about eating too little, and im already down to friday's weight. so. we'll see.

i am excited to eat some avocado rolls, though. haha.

feeling gooood.

so this is the second day of my 'detox,' and i didnt realize it would be this hard. its not SUPER hard, but i dont have alot of stuff to eat really, haha since i limited myself. and its kind of funny because while i feel like i dont have alot of choices and stuff to eat, i also feel at the same time that i should be limiting myself even more. i guess i figure if i dont restrict enough the whole detox thing won't even be worth it? i dont know. i dont get myself sometimes haha.

but it does seem to be paying off. i stepped on the scale this morning (ahhh i know i know, and i had just told myself i was DEFINITELY going to wait until friday.) AND i have deflated back into my friday weight, exactly. which is bittersweet because although i am like "YESSSS" that i didnt totally ruin my progress for the week, i feel like i shouldnt have messed it up at all in the first place. but you know, we mess up, we move on. its all good.

i was even going to go to whole foods today but i decided to hold off until after the detox because i know ill be tempted to buy avocado rolls. haha. plus then i can buy whole wheat pasta and all sorts of cool stuff i can begin to implement into my diet.

body sculpting class in 2 hrs! i lovelovelove. i had a pretty relaxing day, just went to class and then gym. did some laundry. the biggest loser torrent isnt downloading as fast as i want it to! the next episode is only 55% downloaded and i want to watch it tonight! im addicted to that show. its good motivation. i feel like losing weight is creeping into every part of my life. television, books (yay amazon.com), the obvious like the gym. and i like eeee it . :)

dream on, dream until your dream comes true

just a small update. im up writing my paper , due tomorrow. yeah, im finally doing it. amazing haha.

anyway, im going to be "detoxing" the next few days. right now that basically entails drinking LOTS of water, and eating not much else besides fruit and veggies. i have to decide how strict i want to make it but it means no avocado rolls haha. i need a break anyway.

just for my own purposes, this is what im thinking i can have :

-fruit (apples, grapes, bananas)

-veggies (although i dont have my microwave back yet so i cant try out my new ideas.. but i guess salad, although i am reluctant about the dressing, so maybe we'll limit it to carrots)

-yogurt

i think thats all, because it IS supposed to be a detox, after all. im not sure if im going to restrict calories, maybe 1,000. but i think if this is all im eating, it wont be easy to hit 1,000 calories. (most days i eat between 1,200-1,400 calories).

okay, back to the writing.

oh and w/ the UGGS goal, i need to hit 225 before i can order them! hopefully that'll be in two weeks.

there will be an answer... let it be.

wowoww. so i just got back from an insane weeknd at umass. it was fun BUT

i totally went out of control with food. ugh. ikeep doing that.. if im home or soemwhere visiting someone. its like i can only trust myself when im by myself. :( i dont know.im trying not to get too depressed over it because i know i just have to move on and work hard this week to counteract all the damage i just did..b ut... it was so unnecessary. so im bummed.

and i have a paper due tomorrow, SUCH A JOKE.

on a lighter note, this new facebook horoscope really spoke to me hahah.

you've been on a bit of a rollercoaster this past year, but it's finally settling down. do what you can to avoid getting back on it.

that definitely hit home with me on the weight loss front.. and even emotionally. ive just been on a pretty severe rollercoaster this past year, its so true. starting about this time last year. so i just have to hang on and really avoid getting back into that bad headspace.

ahh. at least this weekend i know im gonna be here. makes it so much easier.

YAYYYYY

i LOVE LOVE LOVE fridays!! not only does it mean two upcoming days of NO CLASSES/SCHOOLWORK, but its my weigh in day and its been good news every week so far!

this week's loss: -2.4 lbs!

not as great as last week but im not surprised considering my visit home. :) now all i have to do is get through this weekend.... but im not TOO worried!

wish me luck!

oh, also, i figure when im down another 5 lbs (from this week's weight) i'll buy myself some UGGS. i need them anyway but again, its more fun when you earn them!

whewwww

sooo it was a rough day. but i think it finally settled down and i feel pretty damn good.

second time aroudn at the gym was good. thigh butts and guts class at 8;00, and then i stuck around and did some cardio.

today i racked up 17.99 milesssss. so thats exciting. only 1599 more to go til i get to houston haha.

i was going to go to the library tonight after the gym and work alottt on my paper, but i dont really feel like it . haha. ill just do some of it here and whatever, let it wait til monday. as long as i get a B, im all good.

UMass this weekend!! im super excited. :) its going to be fun. i just need to keep myself in check cause i cant go to the gym there, obviously.

you and me, we come from different worlds.

ugh its been such a stressful day already, and its only 3;14. well. maybe i shouldnt say only.

but anyway.

im just so sick of being overweight. im sick of the nastiness some people treat me with. its really unbelievable. i mean im no fan of overweight people, but COMEON. the looks i get sometimes. and im not even that fat. its so fucking rude. this one girl in particular at the gym today, i dont even know for sure but she looked at me in this distinctly weird way. and i wanted to just go like "fuck you" right in her face. am i wrong for wanting to do that? she (and so many people like her) have NO CLUE what it means to be overweight, how it feels, how it alienates you and makes you hate yourself. they also have no clue what it means to WORK off the fat, to get down to their goal weight, to actually work for their bodies. im not talking like toning up your abs, im talking about FINDING your abs. losing weight. working for it. scoff all you want, but when i get there, my size 10 body will be way happier and mean much more than your size 4 that you just lucked into. whatever.

i also feel like ill have this better appreciation for life. people who are thin already stress over all sorts of other thngs. but if youre overweight, all you want to be is normal. thin. and once i get there, i feel like every day will just be so geared towards: LOOK WHAT I DID. this is all that really means anything to me, means the most to me anyway. so. i almost feel like i wouldnt want to have been skinny all my life and just have no idea what it actually means.

whatever, its just been a really shitty day. i feel so on the fringe of society. its fucked up.

crazy like a FOX

horoscope (from facebook haha): when things are going well for you, dont start immediately looking for things to come crashing down. no sabotaging yourself. you're allowed to be happy. :-)


this made me smile. its true, things are starting to look up and im already finding things to pick apart and dwell on. but i just need to look ahead to the future and keep on doing what im doing. thats the only way things'll get better. and i am pretty happy with the way things are going.


that's all. thanks facebook!

hey girl hey

soooo my day was pretty good. i always like tuesdays. theyre so laid-back , i only have one class and the rest of the day is all about meeeee. its always good to have one of those days.

it started off on a realy good note when i got onto the scale! i knwo, i know, i always try to hold off til friday but i cant help it. i was bracing myself for the worst cause this weekend i was home a nd felt like friday and saturday were blown, BUT when i got on the scale i was a pound less than friday's weigh in!!!! :) im so happy, it just goes to show you that as long as you work through the bad times and not let the badness takeover that not all hope is lost. i did go to the gym on friday and sunday. so i shouldnt have been so hard on myself and everyone around me.

cant wait til friday.

also i made this omelette w/ alfalfa sprouts tonight that i was really happy about at the time but when i ate it it was pretty disgusting. haha. no more frying alfalfa sprouts....

im kinda feeling some whole wheat pasta sometime soon. i just didnt wnat to introduce it right away cause idk. pasta is one of my downfalls. but it wont be hard to limit my portions.

glad that's over...

whew. so that mood is over. im back at school and ive calmed down alot. i think it mostly had to do with just getting to the gym and feeling like i was back on track. i know. but i let myself get wayyy bent out of shape if i feel like im not doing my best each day. or something. and then i get mad at my surroundings and frustrated. its not an excuse though. however, my awful awful mood is over and im feeling better.

time to study! weather test tomorrow. ah.

slipping away

i have been in SUCH a bad mood its incredible. last night and today i am just MISERABLE. i dont know what to do. i just want to be left alone. and then a half hr ago i drove to the gym, and hadnt even gotten out of my car yet when i broke my headphones. and so i was like screw this and left. now im just sitting here. but im in such a bad mood i cant even motivate myself to do ANYTHING. its like evrything i have to do id rather just do nothing and sulk about it. ldfsklsd.

i even have to go see my friend and get my stuff back/give her her stuff but im so annoyed right now at the world that im just waiting.

i dont know what for, though.

i just wish i was back in boston, alone. i just want to be alone and at the gym.

rghgghgg.

blackbird singing in the dead of night...

ughhh i feel kind of awful...

i didnt do too well with the eating right today or yesterday. i guess today wasnt too bad , but last night is wreaking a sort of havoc on my body right now . booo. i deserve it, i chose it. i will own it.

but i never did get to come here and talk abt my good news... when i weighed myself friday, i was down 3.6 lbs!!! so it was a good week, i just hope i didnt blow some of it yesterday and today. there's always tomorrow.

its weird cause it feels like summer again almost. or like i was never away from home. but in a little over a day i have to go back to school.. weiiiird. its going to be a strange transition.

im going home, to the place where i belong

correction: i AM home. woo. it feels really great to say that. :) this weekend is going to be great, fly by really fast, and then back to the stresses of college life.

but enough about me.

hah. so i just wanted to sayyy that i did end up going to the gym class, and it was rewarding. my arms ache more than anything right now, but im glad. haha. its a good pain. and an excellent reminder of my time and effort.

im also glad because although i came home (and i got home pretty late, so ill be careful not to praise myself too much) today, i resisted temptations and still only ate my normal amount of calories for the day. i went over nickys house to watch grey's anat and she made mac and cheese, but i just had one teaspoonful. haha. and i didnt really care that much. you know whats really great in place of a snack? it sounds retarded but just plain bottled water mixed w/ one of those crystal light packets. especially the green tea raspberry ones. YUM.

now i just have to work through tomorrow! and decide what kind of excersize im going to do. i could either walk, run or go to the gym. i dont think i have time for more than one before i hang out w/ ktb. our plan was to go to woodbury commons (an outlet mall) and apple picking. we'll see. i really wanted to go apple picking but this weather is kind fo bumming me out. apple picking is a fall thing and its supposed to be like 85 degrees. haha. maybe we should reorganize our plans aroundit being a "summer" weekend, and go to the beach. i might be up for that. :)

okay, i REALLY need to get some sleep. i dont know whats been going on w/ me & the sleep thing lately. its not good.

exhaustttt

wowwww. its only 3 pm and im already wiped out to the maxxxx. i didnt get back from the library until 3;30 this morning, and then i couldnt get to sleep until like 4;30. i got about five hours of sleep but im still tiiiiiiiired at hell.

im going to go to the gym before i leave for the train, but the question is, should i take the body sculpting class or should i just do the regular old gym routine? im really tired and parts of my body are still a little sore from the last class. haha. so i dont know what im gonna do. it would burn more calories just to do the gym thing than the class. so i may just do that, since i;ll also be in charge of my own time too. hm. we'll see.

on another note, ill be on my way HOMEEEE in less than four hours!

late nights/early mornings at the library bite.

on the bright side, i found a good motivator/reward. i love american eagle. here it is:

i could always just buy it now but i figure its a good way to reinforce good habits. and a fun way, too. the question is, what should the price be? it shouldnt be too easy, but not so hard that it'll be spring before i get to wear it, and thus the point is lost. i'm thinking when i lose 18 lbs, i'll buy it. (i went back and forth between 15 and 20 for a while, 15 seemed too little and 20 somewhat too ambitious, but 18 seems like a good compromise. ++ PLUS, it reinforces my newly appreciated concept that a 2 lb weight loss IS important and significant in the grand scheme of things, even if it is just a "measly" two pounds.)

however since it will probably be out of stock by the time i do lose the weight, when i see that time's running out, i'll buy it and then keep it tucked away until i lose the rest of the 18 lbs.

eighteen pounds from my last weigh-in, which was 236.8, would make my goal weight 218.8 pounds.

if i dont ever lose the 18 lbs, it goes to the salvation army.

let the games begin.

woo!

so i know i closed the kitchen (if i didnt say so, i did) buttttt listen to how i earned a few more calories. haha.

i went to the gym at 8 w/ my friend gina, and its so much better excersizing with a friend because you dont really notice the time go by. we spent 35 minutes on the arctrainer, which burned 725 calories. then we moved on to the stair machine, for 20 minutes! usually i can only do like 10. and that burned 225. then we went on the bike for 10 min, burning another 100 calories. i burned a total of 1,050 calories at the one gym visit, and coupled with the first time this morning, where i burned 700.

GRAND TOTAL OF CALORIES BURNED: 1,750.

i know, insane! i couldnt believe it. but its true.

so all the calories i ate at the dining hall didnt seem so bad anymore. and since i have to stay up way late at the library, i ate an apple and one rice cake. lol. so. i feel pretty good.

i cant wait to go home tomorrow ! woo. i earned it. i just have to be gooooood this weekend. im really nervous about that. but i figure with alot of planning it wont be too disastrous. :\ but i already know kind of what we're doing each day so i can feel out the eating. and im joined to a gym at home so ill definitely make at least one trip a day. wish me luck!

bleh.

blahh. today was alright- i went to the gym, read some while burning calories on the bike. pretty good, i burned 700 calories.

then afternoon came, and i started stressing about this rough drft of a paper i have to bring to class tomorrow. we're having a "rough draft workshop," even though the paper isnt due for another two weeks. its basically complete bullshit,a nd i dont want to do it. moreover, i have ZERO motivation to even start it. whats the point in writng a paper when its not even due?! what motivates me to write it usually is that i NEED TO. but i dont really need to, in my mind, its stupid and i could always duck out of the class. which is probably a mistake. i really just am not happy about it. i dont want to shirk my gym rsponsibilities to write this stupid thing, so i am going to have to stay up very late to finish writing it. totally pointless. gr.

i was just pissed off and as i was walking to my next class i saw my friend fisz. i havent seen him in FOREVER. like three weeks. probably literally. so i ditched my class and we went to the dining hall. i know. sounds like such a bad idea. yeah i guess it was. i didnt go INSANE, i just had a cheeseburger w/.out the bun, and two cookies. so. i blew all my calories for the rest of the day. we should have just went to starbucks. i see that now. but i was honestly trying to save the money, cause the dining hall is free technically.

lesson: in the end, spending $2.50 is much preferable to spending $0 on 700 calories.
<>

im going to have to burn alot tonight at the gym, just to make me feel better.

im not sure if i said so, but that body sculpting class was the pinnacle of my life! i still feel sore. :) especially my abs. i think the abs class did do something. anyway theres another body sculpt class at 4 tomorrow, and since i cant go to the thighs one (because ill already be on a train home), i think im going to skip my fiction class and go to the gym class instead. kinda sucks cause i only have 3 times i can skip class before it affects the grade, but the class isnt like... that important to go to class everyday, because there arent any tests and papers are on one thing, so its okay. no worries.

still fretting about that rough draft, though. i have a feeling ill be at the library until 4 am. FOR NOTHINGGGGG.

i cant wait until this time tomorrow, ill almost be on the train home!!

burn , baby, burn!

im sooooo exhausted right now. a good exhausted, though. :D that bodysculpting class totallllly kicked my ass in an amazing way!! hahah. its pretty awesome. intense but doable, and it makes me want to get stronger and stronger. without the classes, id never get in that muscle focused training. machines dont do it justice.

i feel sooo good, i cant wait to start seeing serious results. although i already feel them, and my thighs are looking slightly less huge. haha.

how can i ever go back to my awful habits? i feel so much better this way. and what could be better than getting rewards for feeling great?! nothing, clearly.

btw, IVE CLOSED THE KITCHEN for the night. just in case i thought maybe id sneak in a few more calories, its officially out of the question. yay internet.

ho hum

yo. today has been longg but ultimately pretty productive by my standards. i only had one class and i didnt do any hmwk, but school is definitely not how i measure production/success. maybe its a bad thing but school really takes a backseat to my weight loss. id be way less happy with an A then id be with the loss of 10 lbs.

although i still get A's, dont get me wrong, im not failing., but i just dont care. it makes it a little harder to push myself to get assignments done... but theres no question that ill get them done, its just more of a struggle i guess. at least a less satisfying one.

im kind of nervous for the weekend ahead, im going home thursday night until monday. i hope ill be able to keep my good habits up...

i called brigham and womens endocrinology center AGAIN... had to leave another voicemail... kind of annoying... but you have to do what you have to do. next time ill explain my situation to an actual person before they send me off to the voicemail again...

i cant wait much longer.

gym in an hr and a half.... im going to try the body sculpting class. its an hr long class so i guess thats the only thing im nervous about, in case i dont like it or its really hard. but honestly if its hard that can probably only be a good thing. im so proud that im doing this on my own, i had signed up w/ my friend for the classes but she has only gone to one so far. im encouraging her to go more but she says shes been sick so i dont know. i guess the only thing to do is push yourself. :) and i definitely am.

feelin gooooooood

just got bck from the gym! i went to the abs class, but it didnt really feel like it did much of anything. my abs feel more worked out after the thighs class. sooo idk i might have to pick another class. it might be too intense so i cant get in the right formation so it doesnt work.

after i went on the arctrainer for 50 min. i challenged myself to listen to a whole cd before finishing. which definitely helped. then i went on the stairclimber for 10 min and the bike too. i burned over 1300 calories, which feels awesomeee especially since i couldnt go to the gym this morning.

tomorrow should be good though cause i only have one class. i need to do laundry like crazy too.

i just watched the hills. loveeeeeeee. brody is so cute. i need a brody. haha. who knows... i could be THAT lauren to SOMEONES brody. gay.

americas next top model

sooo today i woke up and felt really stuffy and out of it. but i had a test and two oral presentations so i had to suck it up. i couldnt get to sleep until 4 am and so i coiuldnt make it to the gym . i was going to go after my second class at 2 but i was sooo exhausted so i took a nap instead. bah. i also ate two servings of avocado rolls. it fit into my calories for the day, it wasnt like it sent me over the edge by any means but i still didnt feel all that great about it. im going to the gym in a few hrs, there's an abs class at 8 so im going to go check that out :) and some cardio on my own.

i also called brigham women's hospital and left a message at the endocrinology department. theyre right down the street so itd be an easy T ride away. the message said to wait 24 hrs for them to call me back, so i have to wait til tomorrow until i call again but we'll see, hopefully i can set up an appointment soon.

im watching the E true hollywood story on america's next top model. i love that show. even though all the girls are so skinny and pretty its not like i sit there and am pissed off about it, which is how i feel alot of people see it like. im jealous, sure haha i wish i could be doing sometghing like that, i wish i could be as confident and happy with my body. one day. :D

if i could find you now things would get better

im flipping back and forth between the giants game and brothers and sisters. season premiere! god i love that show. and the giants are winning :)

today was pretty good, no complaints on the food/excersize front. today was a little hectic though, i had soo much work to do, i only got to go to the gym once in the morning. im still "studying" as we speak. kind of. thats what commercials are for. haha.

i guess it is bugging me that i couldnt fit in another trip to the gym . but its almost 11 and i really should get to bed if i want to wake up at 8 tomorrow for the gym and then hit all my classes, two of which i have oral presentations for. ah!

im also feeling a little congested, i think im getting sick. !! if only i could find my airborne. i could have sworn i brought it w me.

reminder to self: i NEED to do something about my thyroid issues tomorrow. either call my mom and have her set up something back home or call the school health center and see if they can help me out. its important !

such good news!!

im so excited i just have to come and write about this.
one of my best friends, nicky, is very overweight and has been talking of getting gastric bypass surgery most of the summer. she had gone to meetings and stuff, but i was under the impression that she was going to have it done next summer, because she had mentioned that once or twice. so she calls me tonight and it comes up in conversation that shes getting it done WAY sooner, in november! a few days before her birthday. im sooooooooooo excited and happy for her, this is really an amazing thing for her and it'll change her life in a very positive and awesome way. :)
one of the things she said to me tonight was that she can't wait for people to "actually see her" when they walk past her. which is really moving and sad that weight can negatively affect every part of our lives.

nicky, i love you! i cant wait for your new life to start! :D
next summer is going to be awesome, we are going to be awesome, it's gonna be amazing. we deserve this...

light starts in a dark place

heyyyyy. today went by sooo fast! i went to bed realllly late and so i woke up pretty late, too. about noon. haha . its not super late for most people but i usually cant sleep past 9-10 so its pretty late for me. plus i had a lot of stuff i wanted to fit into the day, so 12 was kind of a late start.
which is probably why i didnt really get much of it done. i went to the gym, and then met my friend for lunch / getting some work done in the library. for lunch i had a caesar side salad and 5 piece chicken nuggets from wendy's. not bad, considering. i never usually get fast food but they didnt have any avocado rolls in the student center, sooo there werent a lot of choices.

anyway, i made the choice of going out w/ my friend afterwards, which i probably shouldnt have done, because it was a potluck event (ah!) and i did have alot of work to get done, which i am now going to have to cram into tomorrow. but oh well. the potluck was kind of a downer, because the foood was really good and of course it wasnt apples and salad. haha. but i wasnt THAT out of control, considring i suppose.

later a few of us went to an ice cream and coffee place and im happy to say that i just had some iced green tea. :) so i felt pretty good about that.

the gym is open until 1 am but i think maybe my time would be better spent doing some work... :\ i hope thats the right decision!

can you help me unravel my latest mistake?

:) i just got back from a reallly good workout. i burned 900+ calories at the gym.
i think i also need to post good stuff here just to balance it out and help myself see that there are triumphs along the way, too.

it's in my hands.

im not going to lie, ive had a pretty good week. i mean before i really got into it this week, i was having a tough time dealing with returning to college, even though its my third year. i guess my insecurities are seriously beginning to catch up with me. coupled with the fact that i really have no good friends up here and i really dont intend to go out of my way to make any, its been pretty hopeless. i dont know. maybe i am doing something wrong.

but that is besides the point,
this week i kind of got really into it and threw myself into survival mode- ie: just dealing with burnningggg (caloriessz) and doing some homework assignments that were due. i kind of lost that hopeless feeling for a few days. i guess it returned today.

i dont know, ive had a history of thyroid related issues. when i was 15 or 16 (? i have a pretty bad memory of exactly when it was but i think early high school) i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. i got treated and went on a diet and it all worked for a while. but ive had food issues all my life , ever since i can remember, and back then i couldnt conquer it for whatever reason. i gained the weight back, and then some, and we kind of dropped the ball on the whole thyroid thing.

well its 5 years later and ive gained alottttt of weight and then lost alottttt within the past two years. from my heaviest, im down approx. 65 lbs, give or take. so i did accomplish something. however, it took a while and a drastic lifestyle change. naturally. im not saying it wasnt a struggle, and im not saying that it wasnt enough. it was alot. it is alot.
i guess now i just am back to a place of hopelessness, i feel like im lost. despite losing a massive amount of weight, i still have a long way to go to normal and i want/need to get there. its my life. but i feel like ive hit a dead end. my excersize and diet are in full gear. i excersize twice a day, usually burning 1000+ calories a day. i only eat 1200-1400 calories a day. yet i am losing only 1.5/2 lbs a week. i know that this is a healthy weight loss, but considering the lengths to whcih i have to go to just accomplish a 1.5 lb weekly weight loss, something seems wrong. i think i need to pick up the ball that was dropped on my thyroid issues. i cant wait any longer, its obviously not going to get any easier. this is important to me.

i guess thats all for now. its realllly late. or early. whichever. :)
today wasnt' the greatest, tomorrow will be better. it's in my hands .

im out of control, asleep at the wheel.

sometimes, something as simple as writing something out can really be a big help.
i was feeling really awful tonight, just frustration hit a peak i guess. anyway i went to weightwatchers.com and wrote a post on the motivate me message board, and it really helped me feel better, almost instantly. by the end of the post i had almost reassured myself while asking others for reassurance.

which is great, and i recognize the need sometimes for an outlet, maybe something more accessible and easy than reaching for my written journal.
so.
this is what i came up with.