COMEBACK TIME BABY

whoa so thanksgiving week was insane. i mean. i just let go and ... i dont even know what was running through my head half the time. but anyway, im ready to shake it all off and get back to the basics.

this week im back into it 100%, im going to cut carbs almost completely out of my diet. im talking eggs and fruit, hello. and gym like i mean it again. i want me back!!! ahhh.
cant wait :)

oh man.

i blew it.

im going to regret this so much next friday.
eep.

sighhhhh.

sooo happy thanksgiving! a day known for eating like a pig.... lol. well im not HUGE on thanksgiving food so it might not be too distastrous. or disastrous at all. im trying to think about my game plan. tomorrow is my usual WI day... but ive been terrible since ive been home :( im so dumb. i dont know why i let myself do this... but i cautionarily weighed in today and im up like 5 pounds. uhh not good. i was also sick the past two weeks so that could be why i lost so much in the first place.. ugh. im just trying to think if i should even bother to WI tomorrow or not. i think im leaning towards not. like... its just bad news, and at this point theres nothing i can do to change it, with less than 24 hours and its THANKSGIVING! honestly... im probably going to skip WI. but i dont want that to make today a freeforall. why should it be? its not that big of a holiday and most of my relatives are goign to their in-laws this year so its just the grandparents. im just gonna eat normally but i dont want to weigh in. i dont need any reason to drag myself int he dust. im not going to crash & burn this weekend, either. promise yourself! ah.

something's better on the other side

i woke up in a really weird mood. i feel like ive fallen into a hole of depression. blehhhh.,not cool. i also binged like mad last night :( i dont know whats wrong with me lately. and im home for thanksgiving break and this should make me ecstatically happy but honestly i miss my apartment! i feel a little smothered living with 6 other people.... even though i havent really seen anyone today. i can feel them in the house.haha. i dunno i dont feel like myself today. :( im hoping i can turn that around by going to the gym, hopefully my mood'll shift. i really dont want this to be how the entire week is going to go.

why can't i snap out of it?

urghh

fighting with myself again. boredom is KILLING me. i want to eat eat eat. chocolate, cookies, ice cream,yumm. umm. the only thing keeping me from doing that is the fact that i would have to leave the apartment to get any of that. which is lucky enough... but i really might do it. ugh. its so annoying because i want to do both. but i know to eat it all is a mistake... but honestly the want is pretty strong. ugh this is so lame!

... im torn. i really shouldnt fuck up, should i?

bleh. its not really worth it.. im kind of scared that if i dont get it out of my system im going to fuck up royally this week.

im not going to start now, thats for damn sure.

the kitchen is clooooooooooooosed.

WOWOWOWOWOW!

WOW! im so glad i held out!!! somehow i stepped on the scale this morning and was 204.9!! its unbelievable! i have no idea how i managed to lose 3.9 lbs this week, but i dont care how! haha. im so happy it wasnt a gain but this was an insane loss. its kind of crazy to think of how many weeks i worked my ass off at the gym & only lost a lb... and this week im sick and barely stay alive but i lose almost 4 lbs. its crazy. crazy AWESOME!

:) ahhhh!

now all i gotta do is hang tight onto it til thanskgiving... my goal was 205... i already made it! i just gotta not screw it up... i think i can handle it :)

struggleuggleugglin

ahh! im dying . im sooooooooooooo over sitting around & watching tv. SO over it. ive been doing that all week and its getting quite old. i still am not better, though, its crazy. im battling with myself so hard to not run out & buy junk food and eat it all. i have to WI tomorrow, its not worth it. repeat this to yourself. NOT WORTH IT! there is a tomorrow, then i can eat all the crap i want. not likem thats a good idea either...b ut whatever. judge not.

i can make it, i can make it, i can hold out..... grrrrr this is so hard. :( and im lonely as hellll whcih doesnt help.

the storm is coming, yeah

bleh. im still sick!! its unbelievable. i gotta check the record books cause i mayyy be elligible...

okay not true. actually when i think about it ive only been sick for 9 days. BUT STILL! thats a longggg time for me.

over it!

i didnt drag myself to the gym this morning (although be proud, i made it to EVERY class!!!!!) and im not sure if i can drum up enough energy to go tonight either, though i said i would. my energy levels have already crashed. im soo over being sick , its kind of robbed me of my willpower & running my own life haha. i feel like... wow, did i really go to the gym twice a day and was so in control? now im just worried about not overeating... its definitely put alot of emphasis back on the calorie intake and food control and its not cool. its driving me nuts in fact. i miss the gym! im probably going to force myself to go there tonight.. but thats always easy to say when its "later" haha. not now,, later.... i shouldve gone this morning i guess. though i dont know when since i went to my classes.

sigh.

tomorrow's friday, but im weighing myself on saturday because im not going home this weekend, so what the hell and also i was not good monday & ESP tuesday so i just want to put it off as long as possible. but this scares me because although i feel just as slim as before the binge i dont know... bodies do crazy things... i couldnt really accoutn for the 3.4 loss last week so what if it just decides to pop back up? i told myself i wouldnt mind if i gained a lb but ... i lied lol i want to at least stay at 208. especially since my thanksgiving dream is 205. oh man.

i wanna get back on track! go away sickness. im sure itll be gone by tomorrow or at least saturday i should be back in the groove.

okay i have nothing more to say :) POSITIVE VIBES! my new goal is to be sickeningly optimistic no matter what reality says lol

think positive...

whew. sooo yeah. i woke up thinking i was much better today, but i soon realized im STILL SICK. ugh!!! but anyway first i went to the gym for a half hour, so at least i got that done. but it really sucks that i am still effing sick. bleh. i only burned 500 calories too ... but im not sure if ill be making it back there for a second time today. maybe ill drag myself over there but it kinda sucks to be at the gym when you're sick.

i really dont know why i ate so much yesterday. i guess yeah it was a lot due to boredom. lame i know. hopefully once i get over this sickness i wont be sick for like EVER. cause thats what really threw me off track. i wouldnt be bored if i was going to the gym & classes as usual. oh well.

so im laying low today, hoping i feel better tomorrow, so that i can really work it out. im staying up here this weekend since im going home next week early for thanksgiving break (oh thatll be a fun challenge). so im gonna probably weigh myself on saturday just in case my little fuckup yesterday really ruins my week. which i really hope it wont. *crosses fingers* im so close to onderland now i just dont want to ruin it. ahhh!

fat pigs write blogs too

ughhh. i am such a pig! i totally binged tonight out of boredom & patheticocity. i dunno. i just feel like crap now & i knew i would, thats the kicker. i dont want to be fat . :( i shouldnt have done this obviously but yeah. it happens. i really wish i could find a way that it would never ever happen but this is me. i am a binge eater. i am a food addict. what can i do? i wish it wasnt me so bad. i would kill to be someone who really doesnt need to eat, just does it to live. its crazy. :\ anyway whatever. i am starting over tomorrow. i am going to drag myself to the gym even if i am still sick. i dont care, this flu cant rule me anymore. people will have to deal with my cough. toughhhhh.


my best friend katie is getting surgery on thursday. she's getting the lap band. its crazy. its cool for her & im really glad shes getting this opportunity, but still its crazy to think about. in fact i really havent thought about it much. i think i thought about nicky's when she got her gastric bypass way more. like with katie i keep forgetting. i dunno! sometimes im jealous. like. i am not elligible to get any of the surgeries anymore. and obviously thats a great thing! but i dunno sometimes... days like this... ive only just broken out of my plateau ... i feel like it takes me sooo long to get anywhere & then i fucking binge & ruin where ive gotten. so theyre the same way but by getting the surgeries theyre able to stop it more concretely. all i can do is hope i can control myself. its terrible. i hate this!!! urghghhghg. i feel like a fat slob.
thats terrible. i hate admitting that.

i hate feeling this way about myself. i miss feeling proud and happy with my body & my athleticism & where ive gotten! i thought this fall i would feel lie that again, like i did last fall but so far no i still feel like shit.

i feel like a failure.

checking in

UGHHH. hello, im sick with the flu. thats my identity right now. its terrible ive been sick since tuesday last week, which seems "short" but omgggg its been like an eternity. i am miserable. & the worst of its over, i cant believe i made it through the weekend. but at this point honestly i keep thinking im going to wake up & its going to be gone, but im still sick day after day. what am i going to do tomorrow when i have 3 classes to contend with? i cant keep skipping , im basically all out of skips at this point. :( i havent gone to the gym or worked out since last tuesday. the funny part is i actually lost weight last week, 208.8! the only good part of this past 7 days. and that was a shock. whatever. i just want to be healthy. fuck all this.

woohoo!

i went to the gym! i noticed i could only perform at about 67% but hey, at least i went. i am PRAYING that i get better ! i hate being sick & its weird because usually im only sick twice a year. literally. once in the winter, once in the summer. so twice in the fall alone is no good. its such BS that they havent found a cure for the common cold yet, hates ittt.

blehhh

this week is killing me :( i am so stressed and i feel like im falling apart mentally emotionally everythingally. who am i?! im losing myself in the shuffle again. this is no good.

its just frustrating me because im caught. i didnt even go to the gym yesterday at all & today i only burned 750 & i havent gone for the second time yet. im trying to motivate myself to go later. the funny thing about it is i DO want to workout, but i also DONT. so im miserable staying home its not evne like i get satisfaction from indulging in my laziness, yet i feel like it would be a huge hassle to get up & walk out the door. i feel like an imposter in my own life. and im just really scared im not going to lose weight. ever. again. i know this might be stupid its all UP TO ME but i mean... "me" is being stupid right now.

i just want to drink me some wine!

oh man. another crazzzyyy good weekend. but alot of caloric & alcoholic damage- this time i excersized both days though so im thinking that will counteract some of it.

i woke up alittle hungover today and so didnt go crazy with working out but i took an hr 3 mile walk. i figured id go to the gym after coming back here but honestly i dont want to!! im sooo tired & i dunno. maybe im being a lazy idiot.

i dont care. i dont feel good.

i am hopeful for this week's WI though. i think i should see a good loss. i also should get my period soon though soooo idk. ahhh. we'll see.

i promised

last night america voted OBAMA for its next president. not my choice at all but hey. people want "change" lets see if it adds up to anything more than a dollar.

im kind of thinking it might create more racial strife, i just hope he doesnt get assassinated bcause yeahhh then hell is going to come , & we're officially done as a country.

anyway. whateverrrr. McCain gave an awesome concession speech :)

so this week looks like its going in the right direction so far. i burned 3,000 monday, 1,500 yesterday & today so far im up to 1,800. i havent gone to the gym #3 yet but im about to at 11- first i wanted to sit on my butt for a couple hours & watch real world road rules. ahha. idk i guess im always a lazy chubster at heart. although i promised myself i would go to the gym after & wrack up some more calories, i think im aiming for 3,000 but we'll see, i might just die after 2,500. one of those will be met though, woot.

i guess im just apprehensive about how much i effffing weigh. i dont know! i dont know how last week went, because the scale got fucked, i dont know how much damage i did last weekend either. im just nervoussss. but hopeful. just gotta think positive. im probably going home friday after class because we are 97% having a party next friday for nicky & i gotta go to classes SOMETIME. i still havent bought a new scale because im a reeetard, i didnt feel like going last sunday. uhh-dumb. but im thinking ill weigh myself saturday & just be totally good friday as if its a thursday., i know i shouldnt be nervous about that part because hello im in charge of what i put in my mouth but am i really? im a food addict! you never know what im liable to do. so we'll see, i may just run out tomorrow night & get one. but then again the saturday might give me an extra day to lose. ah.

i can do anything :)

:) yay today was a good day., or maybe it kinda just ended good. that may be it. ANYWAYs i was sooo tired when i woke up today, bleh. i went to class & then started feeling ill. idk i just didmt feel right. theres no way i was still hungover from saturday because i wasnt even hungover all that much on sunday & i wasnt THAT schwasted but yeah my body just took a beatin this weekend & i think it wasnt over it. i understand why it was mad, i went way too crazy. not cool. so anyway i went to the gym but cut it in half & only burned 500 calories. i skipped class & got sushi, even though at first i was planning on not eating many calories at all today. then i figured nah id just jump inot the excersize routine 100% and keep the calroies up so i dont burn out. i actually took a nap before my history class, whcih was really nice, & then i was up & ready to kill it. went to the gym & burned 1300. then i went home & ate dinner, then my second workout i burned 1200 more. making a grand total of 3,000. WOOOOOOO. :) so im really proud of it, i just hope i can get back into the swing of things.

like afte r this weekend (and also after last week i guess was draining & i felt like my diet took a backseat to school) i almost was feeling like i was so off track & that i could never get back the way it was. i hate feeling so unmotivated. but today something triggered in me and i felt like success is totally possible. i feel reenergized about it & im just going to keep my head down and work . IT. OUT. and then whatever happens on the scale this week i have to take it in stride and realize if its not a loss than it was because of my slip-up last weekend. it can be undone. and you can bet on one thing, i wont be making the same mistake this weekend, thats for sure. nothings worth screwing it all up!

in other news we're about to elect a new president and string cheese rules my life.

the space between what's wrong & right

where to start where to start. i guess explaining my last post. i actually didnt end up going because i had a mysterious rash on my leg that i miscalculated the pain of. but anyway. much of last week was INSANE. i spent a shiitttload of time in the library writing papers & esp thursday & friday i really didmt get much excersize in. bleh. then when i got back friday i was soo tired but hung out w/ ktb , no time for working out. & i totally ate .... ALOT. then saturday was amazingggg such good times, we had an awesome halloween party but it involved a ton of food & alcohol & just a bunch of calories. so i had a pretty evil weekend but it was fun. now i just have to start the damage control tomorrow. its ognna be an intense week.

oh right also my scale is broken. i think i met my goal friday but i cant be sure because the scale fluctuated 10 lbs when i was weighing myslf. so i gotta get a new scale before friday rolls around.