of course not

i dont even want to talk about how i fucked up this weekend . so badly.
and i didnt even get to weigh myself. i started underachieving early.


anyway today begins the 50 day countdown til puerto rico. OMG. so im on point starting today. totally clean, no processed, gym til i drop. but you wont believe me til i actually come through, so... pray for me :)

merry christmas drake and josh?

today SUCKED! but technically it was a victory. because usually i wouldve caved and eaten a ton of shitty food, but instead i just stuck it out and rode the boredom wave.

at least i can say im growing, right?
tomorrow hopefully will be better... :)

golden, girl!

i cant believe its only tuesday! ahh! this week needs to put itself out of its misery lol. i really am proud of how im doing so far though since i recommitted myself. its day 3 . i had to start over after saturday, can we say whole jar of nutella? that was just the tip of the iceberg. but i threw myself so hard into sunday and im back with a vengeance. i think it was almost necessary in a way because now i know i cant just allow myself one little bit of poison. haha.
dave is going to make me up a workout plan cause i really need help with strength and weight training.so excited! and no alcohol til my birthday weekend :)

diggin MY ditch <3

"sleeping lessons"

go without, 'til the need seeps in,
you're low anymore, collect your novel petals for the stem.

and glow, glow,
melt and flow,
eviscerate your fragile frame, and spill it out in the ragged floor,
a thousand different versions of yourself.

and if the old gods still offend,
they got nothing left on which you depend,
so enlist every ounce,
of your bright blood,
and off with their heads.

jump from the hook,
you're not obliged to swallow anything you despise,
see, those unrepenting buzzards want your life,
and they got no right,
as sure as you have eyes,
they got no right.

just put yourself in my new shoes,
and see that I do what I do,
because the old guard still offend,
we got nothing left on which we depend,
so enlist every ounce of your bright blood and off with their heads,
jump from the book,
you're not obliged to swallow anything that you despise.

i messed up last night. im here to admit that and move on. i realize now that the only way to make this work is to restart, regroup and reenergize. i need to eat totally pure. what ive learned about myself from three years of this shouldve told me that i cant really deal with "cheating" or eating my trigger foods unless ive first established a really strong base. so for now theyre just plain off limits. i can do this. andyour'e gonna watch me :)

killing in the name of!

YESSSSSS!!!!! just weighed myself, BEFORE THE GYM, and i am @ 195.2 !!!!!! soo happy! yayyy. of course i have been going to the gym before weighing myself so once i come back i should be even less and that'll be the real number. so ROCK ON. !!!! i am so happy. for some reason i was really nervous. but ive been working my butt off and i deserve it! now i only have 20 lbs to lose before my puerto rico goal. !!! beyond happy :) im on the right track biotches!!


today i get to eat one "cheat" thing too. probably ice cream. ben & jerry have been lonely lately, i can tell from the missed calls and the truly pathetic emails ive been getting. these guys just cant handle life on their own.
hahahha. little giddy... ya noticed?

bring it on!...

so i think this is going well :) day 3 of my 40 days. kicked butt at the gym, but i have penance mass at the catholic center at 7:30 and i put in an hr and a half this morning so im gonna lay low the rest of the night.


puertooo ricoooooo

i am staying up here this weekend mainly jut cause i dont have a car but to tell the truth im kinda happy. ill definitely keep on track if i only have myself to fuck up my diet. ya know? this shoud be good :)

familiar heros, from long ago!

hey! so ive been kicking bigtime butt this week! gym alot, the only time ive eaten anything 'unnatural' was two protein bars. :) so im really good, this weekend i am determined to beat the odds and stay away from temptation.im going out tonight, ! wish me luckkkk (just a saying, i need no luck!)

baby there's no other superstar

so today was the first day of my new serious diet. i wish i could sound more upbeat about this but im exhausted and stressed for school-related stuff. i cant seem to get out from under that particular weight. but diet/body-wise, i am pumped. i had a pretty good workout today and eating well just feels so much better. i revised my goal weight for the graduation trip to 175 instead of 170 because i think its a more reasonable goal at this point. i struggled last week but im ready to come back fiiiierce. woooo!


im gonna go to sleep so i can get away from the stress and tomorrow is day 2 :) they add up, ya know

there goes my hero...

yoooo! omg its looking more and more like ill have to part with at least half of my leg. hahah no i haveno idea where im at. thats what makes it so scary. ihave to stop skipping WI's. then it just freaks me out the entire next week. i just want to succeed...
i want DC this weekend to be a success too. i really do. i think itll set a tone.
:)

so are you ready for the truth?

the truth is, i feel like its all been pretty hectic recently. im thankful its spring break so i canjust stnad back and go WTF and breathe. hah. anyway. last week was a crap-shoot, i think i did pretty well most of the week until friday hit and then i lost it alittle, didnt weigh myself. saturday i got my ROCK on at the gym, hardcore awesme, fireworks, lightning, angelic music, THE WORKS! then sunday i blew it. bigtime. ugh. it makes me want to curl up and die in a ball wiht a big yellow sign above me that flashes "worthless." maybe i charge $4 a person to point and laugh. $10 if you want to throw some rotten fruit at me . if thats all i get to eat at least ill lose weight that way. ANYWAY in case you couldnt identify, that was a digression...

im back on today. im not letting this kill me. you just watch, ill be sitting pretty at 195 by friday :) thats a promise. even if i have to fucking cut my leg off to do so... I WIN!