get down with the sicknessssssssss

:) hellooooo. i am happy to come here and say that i have been binge free for exactly 5 consecutive days, which may not seem like a lot BUT two of those days were weekends so bow down to me. i think i may have finally broken free of the bad pattern. i even smoked too, but didnt let myself get out of hand. its actually easier than you'd think. than i thought, anyway.

in other news im happy. oh yeah, i said it.

its a nice day

hey hey. this is the part where i do the walk of shame and come back here confessing that i binged. i feel so pathetic because i feel like ive been recommitting every week and saying its the last time, only to fuck myself up again. but its whats happening... cant lie about it.

i guess the only thing i can really say about it is i let my guard down and made dumb excuses. im back now though. i felt SOOOO incredibly awful and unhealthy and just sick this weekend, its SOO not worth it. obviously. but it isnt even at the time. i am back and more determined than ever. grr. its ON.

i guess i must weigh myself tomorrow. id put it off another week so i dont have a heart attack on the scale, but thats silly, i havent weighed myself for like 3 weeks now. enough's enough. im just scared.... like i think i gained at least 5 lbs, and maybe more will show up because i only got back OP yesterday and i ate a LOT of sushi yesterday anyway, so water weight hasnt had much of a chance to pack up and leave. :\ but i gotta face it. i know. ill consider it a starting weight and get on with my life.

today's not going to be fun because i have to go study my assssss off for my last final tomorrow, for which i am also scared to death. good times. but then its SUMMER!!!!! wayyyy better times. :)

anndd it starts again

ahh. i am ALREADY thinking about ways to cheat this weekend, give myself saturday as a "free day." when the hell am i gonna be able to stop this destructive behavior? im scared for tomorrow.. :\ i am my own worst enemy...

kick in the butt i need

i am DETERMINED to stay OP this weekend. its really going to be hard, because we're going down the shore and its 4/20 sooo yeahhhh but i KNOW i can do it. i cant wait to prove that to myself. someone tattoo this entry to my forehead! haha.

i have no idea how much i weigh, and im not going to weigh myself til next friday just so i dont get discouraged and go off the deep end this weekend. BUT i must be somewhere between 205-210 and so i have set a goal of 190 by june 1st. just putting it out there. this time i hope to actually keep my goal haha. ... summers coming... almost done with schooll, and i cant wait!

signed, sealed, delivered.

bleh. i think part of my problem is boredom eating too. im sooooo bored. actually,the eating doesnt come from the boredom, the boredom leads to loneliness, loneliness = sadness, then i eat. its horrible but its waht happens up here . ive got nothing to do for hours sometimes and i cant really deal like im not that kinda person. oh well. i have to hold on.

its all coming back to me now.

so after a week of eating horribly, exercizing less than usual and only a few good OP days in there, im back on the wagon again. just goes to show you. the pressure did get to me, and i think i needed to go offcourse just to realize how shitty i feel when i dont try. i am so tired of being overweight, of being a size 16. i am so tired of being insecure about myself and my body! im back, and i dont want any excuses. im going to stay OP one day at a time, and weekends will no longer be an excuse to binge. if i work at it hard enough, i will lose this weight.

duh.

:) oh, also ran out of the hydroxycut, didnt get new pills. so im off. it wasnt what i thought it was gonna be anyway, too much of a pain in the ass + $$$. down the drain.

when you love somebody and bite your tongue

all you get is a mouthful of blood.

me and my scale have decided to take a break, see other people. what im getting at is; the scale is definitely hurting more than it is helping at this point. its stressing me out and if i dont like the number it gives me it makes it actually harder to stay OP. plus it is the last few weeks of classes and work and its all so hectic i have to stop and breathe.

this doesnt mean im going completely off the diet. im still going to excersize, eat healthy, do basically all of the same things as before, cept without the scale. im not going to be surprised if , when i come back, i am up a few lbs. but i hope my body will be basically the same. i just want to make it through the next few weeks, and we;ll see where we are. im doing this because i have to make a conscious effort to say im stepping back, but im not giving up. because last year and other times like this i just went off completely and gained 10 lbs and felt horrible. thats not what i want to happen- i basically want to just listen to my body without the scale ruling my life. for now.

scale, i will see you in a few weeks. later kids.

we're just protecting ourselves from ourselves.

it's april! yayyyy. only a few days til ktb's 21st, and then one more week til mine! god i hope i'll be under 200 for my birthday. 3.7 lbs! i think i can do it....

i guess i should explain myself w/ my last post. i basically binged because of emotions, the same old stuff i guess. actually this week has been particularly bad emotionally, ive been ALL over the place. so ridiculous. :( i really wish i wasnt so emotionally defective. but somehow ive managed to stay OP sunday to today. and god-willing ill get through to this weekend. wish me luck! ive been praying alot, maybe thats helping. i know that the WW boards definitely are.

i always think that i wish that my actual eating/emotional habits could change, and this week i realizd that they HAVE. instead of just blindly giving into my urges the minute anything goes wrong, i have a hard time actually throwing it all away and surrendering. seems subtle, but its a really great change. :)

on another note, someone PLEASE explain boys to me. i dont get it.