freedom is enough rope to hang yourself

heyyaa. im trying to decide rightnow if i should go to class or just right to the gym. i dont feel like moseying on over there & sitting in boredom. just not into it, . bleh.

so random but all of the sudden i miss the work environment again. i just miss the structure of 9-5. i love it! i like sitting in an office , drinking water & doing actual work. its good times. what can i say? well i guess i get to have that again next summer, forever, so whatever. i need to stop focusing on what i DONT have... but its so hard its what ive been doing my whole life haha. how to stop now.. good question.

lets talk about my feelings of guilt right now. welll i didnt feel so great during my first class so i decided to push off the gym til after my next class. & ate sushi instead. ugh. i dont know why but i just feel so completely guilty about it. bleh.

i guess im also so scared that i cant do it . UGH ive had this terrible feeling before, ive gotten through it, but i HATE this part. ugh. before the ball gets rolling i doubt myself 78% down the line. so crap. blehehehghgh.

have you reached that point?

BIG HUGE SIGH. oh my god.this weekend .... just not what i expected it to be. oh well. move on.

let's talk about something constructive. i felt like SHIIIT all weekend because of what i ate: TOO MUCH. wayy too much. i need to find a way to cope with the weeknds home or im just going to run myself into the ground. it cant happen. i need a better plan. i mean. next weekend i have to go home for tante's 95th bday, we're going out to dinner on saturday. i think i especially need to keep fridays under wraps because if i screw up royally on friday its SO much harder to get back on track for saturday. well. i got 3 days to muster up some strength & solidarity.

i need to focus first on the small picture, then the big one. small: i need to get through this day. go to classes, do the homework, go to the gym & killlll it. big: where i want to be this time next year. next month. graduation. in 10 years. etc. etc.

i guess maybe i get way too caught up in the past & future and forget where i am & WHY.

ughhh

ugh i feel TERRIBLE. like so ill.

let's play catch-up:

after the disappointing WI i went to the gym & weighed myself after & was 220.8! so thats a yay.

i planned to be pretty OP & good, just figured id have a little more than usual.

i dont know... i think its the pot. i really cant control myself well while im high &... i dont know. i hate to admit this but i think the honeymoon period with weed is seriously coming to an end. i never thought id be able to say that. but it might be true. idk. it might be hurting more than helping at this point. & im trying to decide if its worth it.

anyway i feel like the fucking goodyear blimp right now, except more ill. i want to excersize - actually specifically i wanted to go for a run today but right now i feel like i can barely move. like i might puke if i attempt a bouncing form of mobility. ew. i hate myself. :(

honestly life is weird right now. not good. at all. n ot even coming home, whcih used to make me happy. now everytihng is sort of lackluster & downhill from here. boo. i never want to feel that way. :(

wuhhht

just weighed in at 222.8. WHAT THE FUCK. only .4 less. whcih makes ZERO sense & im getting upset. im gonna go to the gym & see what that does me. the only thing i can think of is im feeling alittle plugged up if you know what i mean... *TMI* ughh.

this sucks.

someday ill be something much more

whew. this week has already been pretty taxing on me lol. & its only wednesday. idk i guess school is getting to me already... aka the monotony of my routine & stuff. or also the fact that i didnt go home last weekend. oh well. its almost over, thank god tomorrow's thursday.

diet wise, which is all that REALLY matters, haha, ive been doing awesome. at least with the workouts. burning aloottt of calories. woot. im excited for friday to see how i did. im aiming for 219 so lets just hope. i dont want to be in the 220's anymore. i miss my 203. lol. even my 214 would be nice. sooo yah. i cannot WAIT for the glorious day when i am back down to 203. i will probably die of happiness. which would defeat the purpose. so ill probably think better of it.

someone needs to put me on what not to wear.... i dont dress badly but i COULD for $5,000. are you kidding? ill go around wearing a potato sack for 2 months if it means i get to go shopppinggg with that much money. i am a fiend as it is.

i want new uggs. gold, preferably. maybe i can make this a goal thing? im going to say if i crack 219 this week.... i will find a way to get those uggs. i WILL. even if i must steal... ;P

someday ill fly, someday ill soar

yooo! its almost tomorrow but i cant sleep. kind of a busy ish day tomorrow- i gotta wake my ass up at 6:30 to make my 7 am yoga class. eep! so early. haha. but i made that my NSV goal for this week sooo good thing. this way im SURE to go , NO EXCUSES lol.

after yoga, come back here eat breakfast, then off to class. thennn gym, then wholefoods, then after finish eating lunch i gotta get a move on typing up my resume. eep. i think thats the hard part though, once i have that perfected i just gotta set up a standard email to send to whereever i wanna apply. i mean.. after that i just hope for the best lol. i need a job once i graduate in may.. ahh crazyness...


in a way im SO excited for my life to actually begin. back in jersey, where i know im supposed to be. i feel like once im back home with everyone pretty close at hand i can finally just get everything into place life-wise. here its kinda all about my weight loss & trying to not fall apart emotionally hahah. idk. but thats a good thing, i mean i get stronger that way & HELLO i needd to lose the weight.


speaking of graduation maybe i shouldnt be looking so far ahead (*counts*.... 7 months .. not SO far haha ahhh) but i want to be pretty much done with the difficult weight loss by then. which shouldnt be TOO hard, i mean i have about 55 lbs to go til im at goal... in 7 months, thats not even extreme. i guess my one worry is just how its always kinda slowed/gone downhill after january. but i cant let that happen this time. i will succeed ! its kind of my last chance, at least to really really give it my all & focus entirely on that. my freedom ends when i move back into the *real world* where i have friends & family & a job & things pulling me in 50 different directions. :)

anyway when i mentioned that to my mom & also told her i wanted to be a size 10 come graduation, she kinda smiled but brushed it off. whch is understandable like obviously ive made huge goals like that before (remember the bikini last summer one haha yeahhhhhh did NOT happen) ... but now i am GOING TO DO THIS. i can. !!! its just more ammunition, like when im tired i tell myself 'well they thinkm you cant' and im going to prove everyone wrong. blowww their minddds. :)

okay probably should get to bed... really busy day tomorrow... oh btw today was great, i have a blister on my heel from my new boots hwich is REALLY painful but i made myself go to the gym anyways twice and really good workouts both times :) woot!

put a smile on ya face

soo i wont keep you in suspense any longer. i lost 2.8 lbs this week! not toooooo great, but not too bad either. i gotta take what i can get considering last weekend's debauchery haha. you know what i mean. basically its a good thing & next friday hopefully ill get a bigger number.


unrelated to weight stuff, i really dont like being up here in boston on weekends :( at least the parents are visiting tomorrow. sigh.


tonight im doing what i like to call a "power hour marathon." not what it sounds like. basically im going to do 1 hr on the bike, 1 hr on the arc-trainer, and then lastly 1 hr on a machine of my choice. im thinking treadmill since ill probably be beat to a pulp after the last 2 hrs lol.
but yeah. thats my friday night! wooooo!

razor-sharp performance (& low financing)

(this i actually wrote on thursday the 18th but blogger was messed up)
today was kind of blahhhh & by 6;30 i just wanted it to be overrr but i pulled myself together, went to my abs class, & worked out after too. :) okay, it wasnt just all owed to me, i downed some 5hr energy crap too. BUT STILL. wooo. it feels good to work my ass off... literally.


while i was waiting for the abs class to start i was staring into space & i actually could picture myself skinny , wearing a bikini top. it was crazy. and awesome. it was crazy awesome. im doing it. i set a pretty huge goal of being able to wear a bikini next summer. i want to reach goal by graduation. this is my last year away from home, without much responsibility & sooooo much free time for myself. ill never get this freedom again. i need to make the most of it. and i plan to.


anyway when i go home next time i want to search through my omi's photo albums for a picture of my mom when she was 17-21. i think theres a specific picture im thinking of, but its her on a beach in a bikini looking beautiful :) it popped into my head the other day as like a symbol of what i want to accomplish & strive for. i mean, shes my mother, im 21, im pretty sutre we have the same body type. thats me minus the fat suit. it WILL be me in june :)


i just have to sign myself over to the fact that it will take a ton of hard work & dedication. BRING IT!

tough times

bleh. so today was realllly busy. & it was good for most of it, esp my earlier workout was SOO good i was really happy with it.

i guess what brought me down was my second gym trip. i took the on the ball class, & for some reason what i saw in the side mirror really upset me. i am 20 lbs heavier than i was last semester, way more out of shape, & it shows. i feel it. i know im undoing it already, blah blah blah & sooner than i kow it ill be even less & in better shape than last may, but right now im just not and its so sad. i am so disappointed in my situation, and the fact that i brought it upon myself. i did NOT have to gain that much weight this summer. that was my own choice. my decisions. so i cant even go there, ill just get way too upset & stuck in the past. i gotta move forward. & i am! but still. sometimes i cant help it . wallowing. :(

its a good thing im not going home this weekend, i wouldd probably stuff my face & thats soo the opposite of what i need right now.boooooooooo.

happy ending?

heyyyaaa. i LOVE tuesdays. haha. its so nice to only have an hr & 40 minutes of prescribed time and then i can be ANYWHERE doing ANYTHING i want for the rest of the day. even though im just chilling in my apartment watching dr phil. its relaxing, you're jealous.

anyway i cant wait til friday! i wanna see how i did this week. of course right now its tuesday & the week si barely begun. haha.

but fitness classes started yesterday! & i took a yoga class for the first time everrrr it was so good. i cant believe i liked it as much as i did haha. i tried to wake up today at 6;30 to go take the 7;00 class but thought better of it. maybe i shouldve, but i figure i will next tuesday morning. im trying to see what else i could take tonight.... classes always fill up really quickly in the beginning of semesters.

woooooooo

the consequence is bigger than you think!

back , another crazy weekend @ home. haha, ish. whatever.

anyway now im back up here & probably for a while, i dont think im going home next weekend. which is actually a relief because i have a feeling school work is about to get really hectic & i need to just chill for a weekend sometimes.

excite!

just keep me where the light is!

hello kids! sooo i feel 10000000 x better than i did yesterday or the day before. yay endorphins! and every day you get away from feeling shitty & bad shit that happened , the further removed you are emotionally from it.

at least i think so. or whatever, denial is your best friend :) lol

soo i was thinking about potentially making the gym a 3 times a day thang. i think there are both pros and cons to this. so let's list!!

PROS:

1. uh, lose more weight in less amount of time

2. less free *boring* time

3. more exhaustedd

4. get back down to previous lowest weight faster

5. feel more fulfilled

CONS:

1. more exhausted

2. might poop out earlier = less calories burned overall, which is lame

3. recycling of gym clothes would get even more unmanageable

4. wayy more showering

but im probably going to do it regardless of the lists haha. not today but starting tomorrow i think. this way i can have classes to buffer the gym visits. and im thinking im going to have to push push push myself. maybe ill set a minimum of calories burned per visit, so at least i have a goal i have to hit. like... even if i just burned 700 per visit, x 3 thats 2100 a day. not bad, ... maybe 800 would be better. *mathhhhhh* 2400 a day. much better.

i cant wait til gym classes start either. WATCH ME GOOOO

salvation is here....

this is september, its the fall, it has new beginnings written all over it.

i didnt lose the weight, in fact i gained more... im about 230 right now. which is depressing to say the least. but i have to rally, try to get over the fact that i gained so much.... & go forward. i need to, i want to, theres nothing holding me back now. im in boston for the last year, ive got all the time & energy to focus on this and myself, there are no excuses.

i have to prove this to myself & everyone else. i want to be happy..