im beginning to notice how much this feels like a waking limb

pins and needles, nice to know you, GOODBYYYYYEEEE!

anyways! when was the last time i updated this trick? cannot remember. its cool though. soo im doing pretty good this week so far. :) which rocks. this morning was a bit of a bust with the workout, i woke up on time but then went back to sleep accidentally and woke back up at 6;30, so i only had an hour til 7;30, when i have to leave the gym. and by the time i got my butt into gear and went there, i only had a half an hour to workout. yeah sad life. sooo i have to go back and finish the job. boooo. but if i want to make this happen i gotta be committed.

GO ME! :) im excited.... andddd theres only 21 days left til new years. NEW YEAR NEW ME . chant it with me now!

i click my heels , get the devils in line

im off to the gym, to KICK SOME MAJOR WIGGLY-BOOTY . yeah. its happening. i found an inhaler (YESSSS) and im pumped. CONFESSION: havent been to the gym since wednesday. wow. thats pretty bad. i didnt realize it had been 3 days. ahhh. where does the time go? ... lauren, .. that's weak.

AND WITH THAT IM GONNA KILL THIS, GUYZ.

yo yo yo

!! its officially december. the most wonderful month of the year :) seriously, love. you can almost feel it in the air.

30 days til the new year, and im stoked for what's ahead. i really am. i have to admit im still nervous that i wont be able to stay on track, but i think its important to acknowledge that i really DO want to, im just nervous ill slip up. well , ive always said it but im serious this time, tunnel vision. one day at a time. all i have to do is succeed today. just today. etc.

speaking of today... today was pretty good. lol. i was definitely more hungry than usual, which was alittle tough to navigate. i think its almost TOM. however i did wake up for the gym! woo! go me. it was definitely hard to go after work yesterday, so i wanna keep this up.

really excited for the future! lets do thisss up

nauseous regrets are callin me on the phone

minor headache goin on. i think it was the xlax and the fact that i only drank a cup of coffee and one water bottle so far today. i know i know laxatives are evil. no one knows that better than i. HOWEVER. i have this need to be totally like... cleansed and free of all the shitty stuff i ate this weekend. like seriously. so over it . so if a little headache and some internet backlash (as if) is the price, ill pay it i really dont care.
that being said im ruining my digestive-waste system for life. ugh. so many body parts that need fixing!

i just want to get healthy. seriously. ive never felt less healthy than i do now, and thats tough. haha. i guess the deal was before i never realized how unhealthy i was, so now that ive gotten a taste of living healthy .... i totally know when its out the door.

its december tomorrow! aahh! 31 days to get my butt into gear and leave the 200's behind in this decade. i need to get and stay focused for serious . im going back to fridays as my one weighin day, that seemed to be the best bet... ee

god help me! :) walk with me, ill look to you when my motivation is waning or i need to make tough decisions.

dreaming with a broken heart

wow so. finally im back. i think i really need a place thats all about my weight loss journey, somewhere i can just run to with all my struggles and not feel judged or like it isnt part of a coherent whole. i think lately it's been feeling more like a part of my life, mixed in with all the other craziness, instead of it being its own project.

i dont know. im gonna wipe the entire sideboard blank. right now im focused on my new years goal, which is under 200. and never going back. its a new decade and im not going to be over 200 lbs in it. that being said, i have ALOT of work to do.

ill level with you, what really fucks me up is smoking weed. i hate that its so hard to communicate that with people or say that on other places in the internet because its illegal and you get this feeling its generally looked down upon.... except not? its so stupid. ive always hd to keep quiet, i havent posted threads on weight watchers about it, even though it has now become 90% of my struggle with losing weight. i feel like a huge piece of the puzzle/story is left out when i cant mention that. so. here i wont feel pressured to shutup about it. sigh.

i smoked last night because i was initially in a bad mood, and thought well hey... maybe i can smoke. then i was like.. no, you'll overeat, its not worth it. and THEN i had this brilliant revelation that if i made sugar-free jello to gorge on, and just kept myself in line, id be fine., well. i ate the jello, added some corn chips, and it was all over when i had the genius idea to make cookies. wtf lauren, wtf. i dont know who i am anymore when i smoke. i mean, i know who she is. she's that 12 year old still sneaking up the stairs with a bowl of chips and ketchup hoping not to get caught. shes the 17 year old who had to wear a supersize yellow fuff dress to prom. like wait, YELLOW?! cmon!

this ends now. this ENDS. now. seriously. its a month til christmas, lets make it work! i am DONE smoking pot by myself. the only time i will be lighting up is when im with friends who are doing the same. my main problem is when im alone "bored" and at home. this house. with all its food. ugh. so done. no wonder this problem is like a new phenomenom for me... ive never been an avid pot smoker and lived at home. its not pretty folks. thus me being stuck at 215 forever. or ... hovering around.

GOAL: BE UNDER 200 BY 2010. LAST DECADE IM OVER 200 LBS. *THE CLAP*

sloww down

what can i say? i was SO bad last week. i skipped WI. i was just awful. i think it was a combination of my TOM and just being really emotionally all over the place. bleh,. excuses suck.
but im back on track now... no turning back.so sick of ruining my own life!

idk what else to say. haha. i thought i had more... nooope.
just anxious for the next WI. seriously.

but we just cant start over

last week i weighed in at 213.6! 4 lbs! i was kinda surprised because i had a really treacherous weekend diet wise last week but hey. ill take it.!
i had high hopes for this week but i DOUBT anything supremely good can come of this. i was so good friday, weighed in on saturday and then when things didnt go according to my plan saturday night i went AWOL! my elite unit was pisssssssssssed. uh. anyway no so then that kind of continued itself into sunday, and then mondya by TOTAL accident... monday during the day i was perfect i just caved at night. AND ive had my period since sunday and its been particularly brutal. :(


so im trying to make ground before WI ... which is probably saturday. im just nervousssssss... bleh. i feel bigger. :(

see, those unrepenting buzzards want your life

OKAY first for the good news: last tuesday i weighed in at 217! woooowoo so i was merely incredibly bloated when the scales said 231. pshh. still 217 is a far cry from 193... so sad... i miss february!

so AGAIN ive been less than amazing thursday-sunday. what is WRONG with me/!?!?! i think its really the pot and how i just let myself go after one SERIOUSLY bad bad miserable day (thursday) and then im out of control until i so choose. i so chose today. obviously. monday. thank god. who says that?

anyway i am not giving up. ever. but especially not now. today is a new day, this is the beginning of my new life. after visiting boston this weekend i realized that that chapter of my life is over. i cant go back to living there and college. obviously... im a grad. my life is post-grad. welcome to GET OVER IT LAUREN. boston can still be a part of my life and itll always be like my home... but so have other places ive had to leave. okay. is that true, ? i think this is the first place i actually had to move away from. wellll.. anyway i take back nothing i said lol. i have to get throuhg this rough period.. who said this summer was going to be easy? they lie!

im gonna be freakin hot by the end, though. watch outtt

welcome back pott-er

oh man. so here i am. its june 5th and i am no longer under 200 lbs. wow. its kind of hard for me to realize this in print. i guess before i was like, oh only 25 pounds to lose and im back to where i was. but now its really hitting me to actually write it down here. for some reason this blog always makes me the most ... ashamed? embarassed? to admit my failures. which is crazy because no one even reads this lol but i thnk maybe its cause there is an entire side panel dedicated to reminding me how i keep backsliding and how when i threw it all away i was really at the best point i have ever been . 198, and i was stressing. im an idiot.

anyway NEW LIFE. haha. i graduated college (shoot me now) i miss boston terribly. and im home. forever. barf. not really. but yeah. i joined weight watchers last week. i am sticking to it this time. also not the first time this blog has heard that. well maybe its the first time ill follow through. (also not a new statement). BLOG STOP! the guilt is too much for me to take.

well i just figure either i succeed now, its my real life, or i just fall on my face and give up on life. im out of college, this is it. im on the fast track to looking back on 50 years and wondering where it all went. jesus. lets not waste this time, shall we?

scared

im scared im never going to get this thing right.
i want to binge so badly right now.. ugh its like now i have no willpower or willto fight i just want to give up and never leave my room. literally.
this is a big big problem, and im so overwhelmed digusted and scared for myself. i just feel helpless and like im spinning out of control.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

of course not

i dont even want to talk about how i fucked up this weekend . so badly.
and i didnt even get to weigh myself. i started underachieving early.


anyway today begins the 50 day countdown til puerto rico. OMG. so im on point starting today. totally clean, no processed, gym til i drop. but you wont believe me til i actually come through, so... pray for me :)

merry christmas drake and josh?

today SUCKED! but technically it was a victory. because usually i wouldve caved and eaten a ton of shitty food, but instead i just stuck it out and rode the boredom wave.

at least i can say im growing, right?
tomorrow hopefully will be better... :)

golden, girl!

i cant believe its only tuesday! ahh! this week needs to put itself out of its misery lol. i really am proud of how im doing so far though since i recommitted myself. its day 3 . i had to start over after saturday, can we say whole jar of nutella? that was just the tip of the iceberg. but i threw myself so hard into sunday and im back with a vengeance. i think it was almost necessary in a way because now i know i cant just allow myself one little bit of poison. haha.
dave is going to make me up a workout plan cause i really need help with strength and weight training.so excited! and no alcohol til my birthday weekend :)

diggin MY ditch <3

"sleeping lessons"

go without, 'til the need seeps in,
you're low anymore, collect your novel petals for the stem.

and glow, glow,
melt and flow,
eviscerate your fragile frame, and spill it out in the ragged floor,
a thousand different versions of yourself.

and if the old gods still offend,
they got nothing left on which you depend,
so enlist every ounce,
of your bright blood,
and off with their heads.

jump from the hook,
you're not obliged to swallow anything you despise,
see, those unrepenting buzzards want your life,
and they got no right,
as sure as you have eyes,
they got no right.

just put yourself in my new shoes,
and see that I do what I do,
because the old guard still offend,
we got nothing left on which we depend,
so enlist every ounce of your bright blood and off with their heads,
jump from the book,
you're not obliged to swallow anything that you despise.

i messed up last night. im here to admit that and move on. i realize now that the only way to make this work is to restart, regroup and reenergize. i need to eat totally pure. what ive learned about myself from three years of this shouldve told me that i cant really deal with "cheating" or eating my trigger foods unless ive first established a really strong base. so for now theyre just plain off limits. i can do this. andyour'e gonna watch me :)

killing in the name of!

YESSSSSS!!!!! just weighed myself, BEFORE THE GYM, and i am @ 195.2 !!!!!! soo happy! yayyy. of course i have been going to the gym before weighing myself so once i come back i should be even less and that'll be the real number. so ROCK ON. !!!! i am so happy. for some reason i was really nervous. but ive been working my butt off and i deserve it! now i only have 20 lbs to lose before my puerto rico goal. !!! beyond happy :) im on the right track biotches!!


today i get to eat one "cheat" thing too. probably ice cream. ben & jerry have been lonely lately, i can tell from the missed calls and the truly pathetic emails ive been getting. these guys just cant handle life on their own.
hahahha. little giddy... ya noticed?

bring it on!...

so i think this is going well :) day 3 of my 40 days. kicked butt at the gym, but i have penance mass at the catholic center at 7:30 and i put in an hr and a half this morning so im gonna lay low the rest of the night.


puertooo ricoooooo

i am staying up here this weekend mainly jut cause i dont have a car but to tell the truth im kinda happy. ill definitely keep on track if i only have myself to fuck up my diet. ya know? this shoud be good :)

familiar heros, from long ago!

hey! so ive been kicking bigtime butt this week! gym alot, the only time ive eaten anything 'unnatural' was two protein bars. :) so im really good, this weekend i am determined to beat the odds and stay away from temptation.im going out tonight, ! wish me luckkkk (just a saying, i need no luck!)

baby there's no other superstar

so today was the first day of my new serious diet. i wish i could sound more upbeat about this but im exhausted and stressed for school-related stuff. i cant seem to get out from under that particular weight. but diet/body-wise, i am pumped. i had a pretty good workout today and eating well just feels so much better. i revised my goal weight for the graduation trip to 175 instead of 170 because i think its a more reasonable goal at this point. i struggled last week but im ready to come back fiiiierce. woooo!


im gonna go to sleep so i can get away from the stress and tomorrow is day 2 :) they add up, ya know

there goes my hero...

yoooo! omg its looking more and more like ill have to part with at least half of my leg. hahah no i haveno idea where im at. thats what makes it so scary. ihave to stop skipping WI's. then it just freaks me out the entire next week. i just want to succeed...
i want DC this weekend to be a success too. i really do. i think itll set a tone.
:)

so are you ready for the truth?

the truth is, i feel like its all been pretty hectic recently. im thankful its spring break so i canjust stnad back and go WTF and breathe. hah. anyway. last week was a crap-shoot, i think i did pretty well most of the week until friday hit and then i lost it alittle, didnt weigh myself. saturday i got my ROCK on at the gym, hardcore awesme, fireworks, lightning, angelic music, THE WORKS! then sunday i blew it. bigtime. ugh. it makes me want to curl up and die in a ball wiht a big yellow sign above me that flashes "worthless." maybe i charge $4 a person to point and laugh. $10 if you want to throw some rotten fruit at me . if thats all i get to eat at least ill lose weight that way. ANYWAY in case you couldnt identify, that was a digression...

im back on today. im not letting this kill me. you just watch, ill be sitting pretty at 195 by friday :) thats a promise. even if i have to fucking cut my leg off to do so... I WIN!

81 days til puerto ricooooooooo

ohh lordie lord lord. what am i doing?! haha/ i kinda lost it today, i got SO completely bored i guess my brain went into BINGE DRUG FOOD mode. so i didnt exactly binge .... at least not in the sense of tons of calories. although i topped out at 2100, which is a far cry from my usual 1000 , but it isnt HORRIBLE and all in all i did burn 350 at the gym. so i didnt gain but still. i feel like a balloon. tomorrow im totally back on track. i cant let my sickness get he best of me! plus next week is spring break so i already have to be on my best behavior/mind set for that.


silllyyyy...

maybe when you're old enough

198.1 read em and weeeeeeeeeeeeep! yayyyyy! im so happy. this week has been so insane and awesome. insanely awesome. :) i dunno. unexpected things happen, and i weather situations better than usual. im getting super proud of myself.


ive also added running to my routine at the gym and i really think its helping. plus i missed that... feels so good and powerful. strong.

oh yesss

im so excited to tackle this week and bring it to its KNEES biootchh :) haha im just feeling pretty empowered and like i can kick ass. bring ittt.

i know im going SOMEWHERE tropical for graduation,and this fuels me even more! i wanna wear a bikini! ah but i cant tell if this is too big of a dream. we shall see. cant hurt to try.

this week = chicken, eggs, & veggies. yeah thats some straight up protein. lets see how this goes ;)

i got mine !

yayayya soo FINALLY i am moving in the right direction and it feels damn good. :) i weighed in at 200.8 yesterday morning! so wooO! not QUITE my valentines goal of 199 but .8 off isnt bad! i soooo plan on keeping this up.

another motivational factor: POSSIBLE GRADUATION TRIP TO HAWAII!!! ahhhhhh

lovin life <3

you wont believeyour eyes

im feeling MUCH better today :) i had a really good workout and i feel so powerful right now. lol
im so happy to be finally really embarking on my new way of life. ive done alot of talking but finally putting the words and talk into action is actually doing it. getting things doneyo! and i cant wait til i get that feeling when im a few days into it and i actually FEEL healthier. ahh! i feel like ive let this get away from me for way too long.

i know a reward for reaching 180 on my birthday! this outfit:

nice right? :D my willpower/motivation has come back and im loving it!!! just you wait lol

lets see...

so ive been having kind of a hard time lately. ugh. i really cant tell if this is just proves that my spring semester always fucks with me or if my fears about it just tripped me up and made it happen AGAIN.anyway.

i want to break this cycle. im trying DAMN hard. or i WANT to try damn hard. who knows. ughhhh

i put a ban on alcohol til spring break. so thats something. i want to be clean and better.

they need to bottle willpower. seriously. hurry it up.

i really seem to be having alot of clarity this week. i just feel so much healthier already, its really great :) i think i am finally back in gear ! veryyy excite.

probably not the same with school... but whatever. i do what i can to get by.

in other news my apartment looks like a bomb went off. guess you cant win them all...

im also really excited for my spring break this year!! i want to go to las vegas with fisz so badly so i hope that works out., and if it doesnt i would totally go with my brother's gf wherever if i could know in time. thats a big driving factor in my willpower, and i definitely think its about time! yayy. good things are on the way. oH maybe this is because of my huge change in attitude: because of something i said still hanging on to the mike thing even though im not invested in it anymore, everyone was concerned and stuff. so at first when they told me , i was pissed that they wouldnt stay out of my business and wouldnt believe me that i was really over him. but talking to jen i realized im really negative all the time and its not only affecting everyone around me but it affects me too. ive been hanging onto way too many old feelings and grudges and its weighing me down. how can i achieve anything like that? its only been a day or two but i already feel lighter and happier :) its awesome. nsv lol

welcome to the bigtime!

so this weekend... i know youre dying to know how it went. well. it wasnt TOO awful! lets just say i didnt stick entirely to the plan... but i think having it in the back of my mind all weekend helped.
now i just am diving back into this week full force! im strictly eating eggs veggies fruit & trail mix bars. & feeling good :) haha

maybeee

maybe since i didnt get the full option to win this week over i should skip this week's WI and just WI next week. this way i can throw myself into it full force next week and not stress myself out or feel like im backsliding. but if i skip WI i have to really step it up. nomore excuses. i cant let myself fall this weekend either. i have to come up with a plan, so im less likely to stray and feel free to ruin my life. haha

friday:
before or right after class: burn 500 calories
before & after driving home: 2 80 cal yogurts
gym: burn 1500 calories
after gym: onion soup for 50 cals
dinner @ maggiano's for mark's bday: eat small portions of wahtever we get, max 1000 cal
after drinks?: no more than 500 cal
NO MORE EATING AFTER THIS. come on!

input: 1710 output: 4000 TOTAL: -2290 calories

saturday:
gym: burn 1500 calories
run: 500 calories or
walk penny: 200 calories
eat soup before this: 100 cal
drinks @ party: 4 soco shots (280 cal), glass of wine (200), light beer (300) total: 780 cal
food @ party: 1200

input: 2080 cal output: -3700 to 4000 calories TOTAL: -1620 to 1920

this way i dont kill myself this weekend. i need to start planning more often. omg i hope this works.

kick meeee, kick me!

im having a mental debate with myselfffff. okay here it is: ive eaten barely anything today. like the plan! i did go to the gym, burned 700 cal but not much for my usual. smewhere between 3 and 4 i decided i wanted light ice cream & a cookie from the dining hall. and i also decided to go to the gym to make up for the calories id eat. then i didnt want to go to the gym, but then i realized i HAVE to go to the gym cause i stepped on the scale and it said 212. which isnt BAd because it is 6 at night and i had really salty soup & am wearing clothes and usually weigh myself in the mornings but still im alittle nervous... so now im thinking well if i really cared wouldnt i just go to the gym & then come right back here and eat the rest of the jello, say fuck the ice cream & cookies? like seriously i dont NEEd to eat that. im just like obsessed and thinking of it as a reward... which isnt cool. they should be totally separate things. bleh.

what should i do????!?1?!/1! i almost feel like i should drug myself to sleep and forget about it ALL. but thats so dumb! what is with me?!!?

i aint no holler back girrrrl

so this long weekend was tough but i made it out alive. not OP, but alive haha. i mean overall i dont think it was TOO bad. i was active all day saturday and sunday with skiing and tubing so that was good. i just am nervous about all i ate and drank. wuh. and i caught a cold from so many sick people who were with us so yeah. i think it might be no big though cause i seem to be already getting better from yesterday. hopefully tomorrow i hit the gym full force. im nervoius for WI though. i just want to be under 200 for valentines day.

gotta get back in the game & tackle this week!

one way out

so this week has gone pretty okay i think. lol. yesterday i went out to dinner @ uno's and pool/drinks with dave denise & everyone. it wasnt too bad! i was especially proud of how i did at dinner, i looked up the nutritional info before we went and decided id get a chicken sandwich (without the bun) and a side salad with low fat blueberry vinagriette. then i had one glass of wine, a few more drinks than i wouldve wanted at king's but it wasnt THAT bad. it wasnt worth it but i didnt overdo it so . and then after i was in a bad mood and wanted to eat but i didnt go crazy- i ended up making couscous w/ bouillon but i tossed alot of couscous into the trash before making it so i didnt eat more than 300 cal worth.

today im just rolling with the punches... just not in the mood for anything really. first gym visit went pretty smoothly, one more and then i can go to sleeeep. ah. im so over this day,.. lol

oh emotionz! how i hate you

this is the book i write

let's start off my acknowledging and owning the number on the scales. i weighed myself friday night with not so happy results. obviously it was at night and i had eaten and was wearing clothes, whatever, but yeah i gained. :( it really sucks cause i didnt want to go down that path but i did, i let it get out of control., but i have to own it. i did it and now its my reality. if i could go back to the holiday break and change what i did i would in a heartbeat, but its not a viable option. so , we move on.

thats the only way i can get anything done after this.

so. i work my ass off. i get back down to where i was. i go past that. i rock.

:) im ready for this.... its all i can be ready for. im certainly not ready for another failure.

to the maxxx

yay! really good workout today. yesterday was not so great, i was in a weird mood funk and didnt workout to my potential AT ALL and overate. but whatever. todays a new day and im totaly gonna make up for it. i also felt thinner today when i woke up than i did all week. ahh. well we'll see how i do on the scale tomorrow.

OMG

omg i rock! haha. :) i didnt feel like going to the gym for the second time today , but i dragged myself and ended up having an AWESOME workout! i burned 2000 calories today! and the best part was is that i discovered another version of the arc-trainer that i like way more than the one i usually go on. i originally thought it was an elliptical cause it looks more like one but its not. wooo.

:) good times, lets keep it rollinnnnnn

orange you glad

wow this week is flying by so quickly! i cant believe wednesday is almost over already. i cant really tell how well im doing- on one hand, im eating really well. on the other hand, excersizing hasnt been at the peak of what it could be. today im set up for success right now, cause i had a really good workout earlier and so all i gotta do is work really hard again tonight but im having a hard time readjusting to this gym instead of the gym at home. i always go back and forth but i prefer the gym @ home right now. i think the tvs help distract me/pass the time and the machines themselves are less awkward. but whatever this is hwat i have i have to work with it.

denise was talking about getting a personal trainer, its the same cost as the classes apparently, $50 per semester. but i dont know which one i should do.

im scared to weigh myself... ugh saturday might not be so pretty! im really regretting letting myself go... :(

BACK IN BLACK!

soo im back in boston, christmas break is officially OVER. which i was sad but also really happy about lol cause iw as eating myself out of house and home. yeah not good. i havent weighed myself since the week before christmas & im nervous to see how much i am... but im not weighing myself til saturday. this week i am in damage control mode, back to gym fulltime & strict diet. we'll see what happens!

in other news , im tired but i gotta go to the gym in an hr. just had soup, no excuses, SWEAR!