wow so. finally im back. i think i really need a place thats all about my weight loss journey, somewhere i can just run to with all my struggles and not feel judged or like it isnt part of a coherent whole. i think lately it's been feeling more like a part of my life, mixed in with all the other craziness, instead of it being its own project.
i dont know. im gonna wipe the entire sideboard blank. right now im focused on my new years goal, which is under 200. and never going back. its a new decade and im not going to be over 200 lbs in it. that being said, i have ALOT of work to do.
ill level with you, what really fucks me up is smoking weed. i hate that its so hard to communicate that with people or say that on other places in the internet because its illegal and you get this feeling its generally looked down upon.... except not? its so stupid. ive always hd to keep quiet, i havent posted threads on weight watchers about it, even though it has now become 90% of my struggle with losing weight. i feel like a huge piece of the puzzle/story is left out when i cant mention that. so. here i wont feel pressured to shutup about it. sigh.
i smoked last night because i was initially in a bad mood, and thought well hey... maybe i can smoke. then i was like.. no, you'll overeat, its not worth it. and THEN i had this brilliant revelation that if i made sugar-free jello to gorge on, and just kept myself in line, id be fine., well. i ate the jello, added some corn chips, and it was all over when i had the genius idea to make cookies. wtf lauren, wtf. i dont know who i am anymore when i smoke. i mean, i know who she is. she's that 12 year old still sneaking up the stairs with a bowl of chips and ketchup hoping not to get caught. shes the 17 year old who had to wear a supersize yellow fuff dress to prom. like wait, YELLOW?! cmon!
this ends now. this ENDS. now. seriously. its a month til christmas, lets make it work! i am DONE smoking pot by myself. the only time i will be lighting up is when im with friends who are doing the same. my main problem is when im alone "bored" and at home. this house. with all its food. ugh. so done. no wonder this problem is like a new phenomenom for me... ive never been an avid pot smoker and lived at home. its not pretty folks. thus me being stuck at 215 forever. or ... hovering around.
GOAL: BE UNDER 200 BY 2010. LAST DECADE IM OVER 200 LBS. *THE CLAP*
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