i really seem to be having alot of clarity this week. i just feel so much healthier already, its really great :) i think i am finally back in gear ! veryyy excite.

probably not the same with school... but whatever. i do what i can to get by.

in other news my apartment looks like a bomb went off. guess you cant win them all...

im also really excited for my spring break this year!! i want to go to las vegas with fisz so badly so i hope that works out., and if it doesnt i would totally go with my brother's gf wherever if i could know in time. thats a big driving factor in my willpower, and i definitely think its about time! yayy. good things are on the way. oH maybe this is because of my huge change in attitude: because of something i said still hanging on to the mike thing even though im not invested in it anymore, everyone was concerned and stuff. so at first when they told me , i was pissed that they wouldnt stay out of my business and wouldnt believe me that i was really over him. but talking to jen i realized im really negative all the time and its not only affecting everyone around me but it affects me too. ive been hanging onto way too many old feelings and grudges and its weighing me down. how can i achieve anything like that? its only been a day or two but i already feel lighter and happier :) its awesome. nsv lol

welcome to the bigtime!

so this weekend... i know youre dying to know how it went. well. it wasnt TOO awful! lets just say i didnt stick entirely to the plan... but i think having it in the back of my mind all weekend helped.
now i just am diving back into this week full force! im strictly eating eggs veggies fruit & trail mix bars. & feeling good :) haha

maybeee

maybe since i didnt get the full option to win this week over i should skip this week's WI and just WI next week. this way i can throw myself into it full force next week and not stress myself out or feel like im backsliding. but if i skip WI i have to really step it up. nomore excuses. i cant let myself fall this weekend either. i have to come up with a plan, so im less likely to stray and feel free to ruin my life. haha

friday:
before or right after class: burn 500 calories
before & after driving home: 2 80 cal yogurts
gym: burn 1500 calories
after gym: onion soup for 50 cals
dinner @ maggiano's for mark's bday: eat small portions of wahtever we get, max 1000 cal
after drinks?: no more than 500 cal
NO MORE EATING AFTER THIS. come on!

input: 1710 output: 4000 TOTAL: -2290 calories

saturday:
gym: burn 1500 calories
run: 500 calories or
walk penny: 200 calories
eat soup before this: 100 cal
drinks @ party: 4 soco shots (280 cal), glass of wine (200), light beer (300) total: 780 cal
food @ party: 1200

input: 2080 cal output: -3700 to 4000 calories TOTAL: -1620 to 1920

this way i dont kill myself this weekend. i need to start planning more often. omg i hope this works.

kick meeee, kick me!

im having a mental debate with myselfffff. okay here it is: ive eaten barely anything today. like the plan! i did go to the gym, burned 700 cal but not much for my usual. smewhere between 3 and 4 i decided i wanted light ice cream & a cookie from the dining hall. and i also decided to go to the gym to make up for the calories id eat. then i didnt want to go to the gym, but then i realized i HAVE to go to the gym cause i stepped on the scale and it said 212. which isnt BAd because it is 6 at night and i had really salty soup & am wearing clothes and usually weigh myself in the mornings but still im alittle nervous... so now im thinking well if i really cared wouldnt i just go to the gym & then come right back here and eat the rest of the jello, say fuck the ice cream & cookies? like seriously i dont NEEd to eat that. im just like obsessed and thinking of it as a reward... which isnt cool. they should be totally separate things. bleh.

what should i do????!?1?!/1! i almost feel like i should drug myself to sleep and forget about it ALL. but thats so dumb! what is with me?!!?

i aint no holler back girrrrl

so this long weekend was tough but i made it out alive. not OP, but alive haha. i mean overall i dont think it was TOO bad. i was active all day saturday and sunday with skiing and tubing so that was good. i just am nervous about all i ate and drank. wuh. and i caught a cold from so many sick people who were with us so yeah. i think it might be no big though cause i seem to be already getting better from yesterday. hopefully tomorrow i hit the gym full force. im nervoius for WI though. i just want to be under 200 for valentines day.

gotta get back in the game & tackle this week!

one way out

so this week has gone pretty okay i think. lol. yesterday i went out to dinner @ uno's and pool/drinks with dave denise & everyone. it wasnt too bad! i was especially proud of how i did at dinner, i looked up the nutritional info before we went and decided id get a chicken sandwich (without the bun) and a side salad with low fat blueberry vinagriette. then i had one glass of wine, a few more drinks than i wouldve wanted at king's but it wasnt THAT bad. it wasnt worth it but i didnt overdo it so . and then after i was in a bad mood and wanted to eat but i didnt go crazy- i ended up making couscous w/ bouillon but i tossed alot of couscous into the trash before making it so i didnt eat more than 300 cal worth.

today im just rolling with the punches... just not in the mood for anything really. first gym visit went pretty smoothly, one more and then i can go to sleeeep. ah. im so over this day,.. lol

oh emotionz! how i hate you

this is the book i write

let's start off my acknowledging and owning the number on the scales. i weighed myself friday night with not so happy results. obviously it was at night and i had eaten and was wearing clothes, whatever, but yeah i gained. :( it really sucks cause i didnt want to go down that path but i did, i let it get out of control., but i have to own it. i did it and now its my reality. if i could go back to the holiday break and change what i did i would in a heartbeat, but its not a viable option. so , we move on.

thats the only way i can get anything done after this.

so. i work my ass off. i get back down to where i was. i go past that. i rock.

:) im ready for this.... its all i can be ready for. im certainly not ready for another failure.

to the maxxx

yay! really good workout today. yesterday was not so great, i was in a weird mood funk and didnt workout to my potential AT ALL and overate. but whatever. todays a new day and im totaly gonna make up for it. i also felt thinner today when i woke up than i did all week. ahh. well we'll see how i do on the scale tomorrow.

OMG

omg i rock! haha. :) i didnt feel like going to the gym for the second time today , but i dragged myself and ended up having an AWESOME workout! i burned 2000 calories today! and the best part was is that i discovered another version of the arc-trainer that i like way more than the one i usually go on. i originally thought it was an elliptical cause it looks more like one but its not. wooo.

:) good times, lets keep it rollinnnnnn

orange you glad

wow this week is flying by so quickly! i cant believe wednesday is almost over already. i cant really tell how well im doing- on one hand, im eating really well. on the other hand, excersizing hasnt been at the peak of what it could be. today im set up for success right now, cause i had a really good workout earlier and so all i gotta do is work really hard again tonight but im having a hard time readjusting to this gym instead of the gym at home. i always go back and forth but i prefer the gym @ home right now. i think the tvs help distract me/pass the time and the machines themselves are less awkward. but whatever this is hwat i have i have to work with it.

denise was talking about getting a personal trainer, its the same cost as the classes apparently, $50 per semester. but i dont know which one i should do.

im scared to weigh myself... ugh saturday might not be so pretty! im really regretting letting myself go... :(

BACK IN BLACK!

soo im back in boston, christmas break is officially OVER. which i was sad but also really happy about lol cause iw as eating myself out of house and home. yeah not good. i havent weighed myself since the week before christmas & im nervous to see how much i am... but im not weighing myself til saturday. this week i am in damage control mode, back to gym fulltime & strict diet. we'll see what happens!

in other news , im tired but i gotta go to the gym in an hr. just had soup, no excuses, SWEAR!