im beginning to notice how much this feels like a waking limb

pins and needles, nice to know you, GOODBYYYYYEEEE!

anyways! when was the last time i updated this trick? cannot remember. its cool though. soo im doing pretty good this week so far. :) which rocks. this morning was a bit of a bust with the workout, i woke up on time but then went back to sleep accidentally and woke back up at 6;30, so i only had an hour til 7;30, when i have to leave the gym. and by the time i got my butt into gear and went there, i only had a half an hour to workout. yeah sad life. sooo i have to go back and finish the job. boooo. but if i want to make this happen i gotta be committed.

GO ME! :) im excited.... andddd theres only 21 days left til new years. NEW YEAR NEW ME . chant it with me now!

i click my heels , get the devils in line

im off to the gym, to KICK SOME MAJOR WIGGLY-BOOTY . yeah. its happening. i found an inhaler (YESSSS) and im pumped. CONFESSION: havent been to the gym since wednesday. wow. thats pretty bad. i didnt realize it had been 3 days. ahhh. where does the time go? ... lauren, .. that's weak.

AND WITH THAT IM GONNA KILL THIS, GUYZ.

yo yo yo

!! its officially december. the most wonderful month of the year :) seriously, love. you can almost feel it in the air.

30 days til the new year, and im stoked for what's ahead. i really am. i have to admit im still nervous that i wont be able to stay on track, but i think its important to acknowledge that i really DO want to, im just nervous ill slip up. well , ive always said it but im serious this time, tunnel vision. one day at a time. all i have to do is succeed today. just today. etc.

speaking of today... today was pretty good. lol. i was definitely more hungry than usual, which was alittle tough to navigate. i think its almost TOM. however i did wake up for the gym! woo! go me. it was definitely hard to go after work yesterday, so i wanna keep this up.

really excited for the future! lets do thisss up

nauseous regrets are callin me on the phone

minor headache goin on. i think it was the xlax and the fact that i only drank a cup of coffee and one water bottle so far today. i know i know laxatives are evil. no one knows that better than i. HOWEVER. i have this need to be totally like... cleansed and free of all the shitty stuff i ate this weekend. like seriously. so over it . so if a little headache and some internet backlash (as if) is the price, ill pay it i really dont care.
that being said im ruining my digestive-waste system for life. ugh. so many body parts that need fixing!

i just want to get healthy. seriously. ive never felt less healthy than i do now, and thats tough. haha. i guess the deal was before i never realized how unhealthy i was, so now that ive gotten a taste of living healthy .... i totally know when its out the door.

its december tomorrow! aahh! 31 days to get my butt into gear and leave the 200's behind in this decade. i need to get and stay focused for serious . im going back to fridays as my one weighin day, that seemed to be the best bet... ee

god help me! :) walk with me, ill look to you when my motivation is waning or i need to make tough decisions.

dreaming with a broken heart

wow so. finally im back. i think i really need a place thats all about my weight loss journey, somewhere i can just run to with all my struggles and not feel judged or like it isnt part of a coherent whole. i think lately it's been feeling more like a part of my life, mixed in with all the other craziness, instead of it being its own project.

i dont know. im gonna wipe the entire sideboard blank. right now im focused on my new years goal, which is under 200. and never going back. its a new decade and im not going to be over 200 lbs in it. that being said, i have ALOT of work to do.

ill level with you, what really fucks me up is smoking weed. i hate that its so hard to communicate that with people or say that on other places in the internet because its illegal and you get this feeling its generally looked down upon.... except not? its so stupid. ive always hd to keep quiet, i havent posted threads on weight watchers about it, even though it has now become 90% of my struggle with losing weight. i feel like a huge piece of the puzzle/story is left out when i cant mention that. so. here i wont feel pressured to shutup about it. sigh.

i smoked last night because i was initially in a bad mood, and thought well hey... maybe i can smoke. then i was like.. no, you'll overeat, its not worth it. and THEN i had this brilliant revelation that if i made sugar-free jello to gorge on, and just kept myself in line, id be fine., well. i ate the jello, added some corn chips, and it was all over when i had the genius idea to make cookies. wtf lauren, wtf. i dont know who i am anymore when i smoke. i mean, i know who she is. she's that 12 year old still sneaking up the stairs with a bowl of chips and ketchup hoping not to get caught. shes the 17 year old who had to wear a supersize yellow fuff dress to prom. like wait, YELLOW?! cmon!

this ends now. this ENDS. now. seriously. its a month til christmas, lets make it work! i am DONE smoking pot by myself. the only time i will be lighting up is when im with friends who are doing the same. my main problem is when im alone "bored" and at home. this house. with all its food. ugh. so done. no wonder this problem is like a new phenomenom for me... ive never been an avid pot smoker and lived at home. its not pretty folks. thus me being stuck at 215 forever. or ... hovering around.

GOAL: BE UNDER 200 BY 2010. LAST DECADE IM OVER 200 LBS. *THE CLAP*