if i could find you now things would get better

im flipping back and forth between the giants game and brothers and sisters. season premiere! god i love that show. and the giants are winning :)

today was pretty good, no complaints on the food/excersize front. today was a little hectic though, i had soo much work to do, i only got to go to the gym once in the morning. im still "studying" as we speak. kind of. thats what commercials are for. haha.

i guess it is bugging me that i couldnt fit in another trip to the gym . but its almost 11 and i really should get to bed if i want to wake up at 8 tomorrow for the gym and then hit all my classes, two of which i have oral presentations for. ah!

im also feeling a little congested, i think im getting sick. !! if only i could find my airborne. i could have sworn i brought it w me.

reminder to self: i NEED to do something about my thyroid issues tomorrow. either call my mom and have her set up something back home or call the school health center and see if they can help me out. its important !

such good news!!

im so excited i just have to come and write about this.
one of my best friends, nicky, is very overweight and has been talking of getting gastric bypass surgery most of the summer. she had gone to meetings and stuff, but i was under the impression that she was going to have it done next summer, because she had mentioned that once or twice. so she calls me tonight and it comes up in conversation that shes getting it done WAY sooner, in november! a few days before her birthday. im sooooooooooo excited and happy for her, this is really an amazing thing for her and it'll change her life in a very positive and awesome way. :)
one of the things she said to me tonight was that she can't wait for people to "actually see her" when they walk past her. which is really moving and sad that weight can negatively affect every part of our lives.

nicky, i love you! i cant wait for your new life to start! :D
next summer is going to be awesome, we are going to be awesome, it's gonna be amazing. we deserve this...

light starts in a dark place

heyyyyy. today went by sooo fast! i went to bed realllly late and so i woke up pretty late, too. about noon. haha . its not super late for most people but i usually cant sleep past 9-10 so its pretty late for me. plus i had a lot of stuff i wanted to fit into the day, so 12 was kind of a late start.
which is probably why i didnt really get much of it done. i went to the gym, and then met my friend for lunch / getting some work done in the library. for lunch i had a caesar side salad and 5 piece chicken nuggets from wendy's. not bad, considering. i never usually get fast food but they didnt have any avocado rolls in the student center, sooo there werent a lot of choices.

anyway, i made the choice of going out w/ my friend afterwards, which i probably shouldnt have done, because it was a potluck event (ah!) and i did have alot of work to get done, which i am now going to have to cram into tomorrow. but oh well. the potluck was kind of a downer, because the foood was really good and of course it wasnt apples and salad. haha. but i wasnt THAT out of control, considring i suppose.

later a few of us went to an ice cream and coffee place and im happy to say that i just had some iced green tea. :) so i felt pretty good about that.

the gym is open until 1 am but i think maybe my time would be better spent doing some work... :\ i hope thats the right decision!

can you help me unravel my latest mistake?

:) i just got back from a reallly good workout. i burned 900+ calories at the gym.
i think i also need to post good stuff here just to balance it out and help myself see that there are triumphs along the way, too.

it's in my hands.

im not going to lie, ive had a pretty good week. i mean before i really got into it this week, i was having a tough time dealing with returning to college, even though its my third year. i guess my insecurities are seriously beginning to catch up with me. coupled with the fact that i really have no good friends up here and i really dont intend to go out of my way to make any, its been pretty hopeless. i dont know. maybe i am doing something wrong.

but that is besides the point,
this week i kind of got really into it and threw myself into survival mode- ie: just dealing with burnningggg (caloriessz) and doing some homework assignments that were due. i kind of lost that hopeless feeling for a few days. i guess it returned today.

i dont know, ive had a history of thyroid related issues. when i was 15 or 16 (? i have a pretty bad memory of exactly when it was but i think early high school) i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. i got treated and went on a diet and it all worked for a while. but ive had food issues all my life , ever since i can remember, and back then i couldnt conquer it for whatever reason. i gained the weight back, and then some, and we kind of dropped the ball on the whole thyroid thing.

well its 5 years later and ive gained alottttt of weight and then lost alottttt within the past two years. from my heaviest, im down approx. 65 lbs, give or take. so i did accomplish something. however, it took a while and a drastic lifestyle change. naturally. im not saying it wasnt a struggle, and im not saying that it wasnt enough. it was alot. it is alot.
i guess now i just am back to a place of hopelessness, i feel like im lost. despite losing a massive amount of weight, i still have a long way to go to normal and i want/need to get there. its my life. but i feel like ive hit a dead end. my excersize and diet are in full gear. i excersize twice a day, usually burning 1000+ calories a day. i only eat 1200-1400 calories a day. yet i am losing only 1.5/2 lbs a week. i know that this is a healthy weight loss, but considering the lengths to whcih i have to go to just accomplish a 1.5 lb weekly weight loss, something seems wrong. i think i need to pick up the ball that was dropped on my thyroid issues. i cant wait any longer, its obviously not going to get any easier. this is important to me.

i guess thats all for now. its realllly late. or early. whichever. :)
today wasnt' the greatest, tomorrow will be better. it's in my hands .

im out of control, asleep at the wheel.

sometimes, something as simple as writing something out can really be a big help.
i was feeling really awful tonight, just frustration hit a peak i guess. anyway i went to weightwatchers.com and wrote a post on the motivate me message board, and it really helped me feel better, almost instantly. by the end of the post i had almost reassured myself while asking others for reassurance.

which is great, and i recognize the need sometimes for an outlet, maybe something more accessible and easy than reaching for my written journal.
so.
this is what i came up with.