say whaaaaaaaaaaaat?

its 5 am & im about to go to the gym.

yeah i have no idea, dont even ask.

tired

whew. so last WI was AWESOME!!! the scale said 212.8 & i could NOT believe it but omg i was soo happy :) & i had driven home thursday soo friday was just amazing, i had the whole day to chill before we had to go out. i went for a half hr bike ride in the morning, then ate sushi, then went on a 1 hr 45 min run to the rental! in upper saddle river. which was just amazing. i love running, i love being outside . i really like being home- i just feel so at home & right. i just cant really explain it.

but anyway. when i got back after the run for some reason i felt the need to get on the scale again- i was 211.4 !!!! but i kept the first number cause i felt like it was the first # & .. whatever haha. so im not all that worried about hitting my halloween goal of 210 this friday, although i wasnt the BEST this weekend, i was pretty good friday, kinda lost it saturday but not as badly as i usually have in the past. so i guess im just alittle shaky on whats gonna go down.

i feel like someone zapped all of the energy out of me this week though. im soo tired & i have so much less motivation than i had last week. im nervous. but i also cant worry too much about it cause im also worrying about all the shit i have due this week (3 papers friday AH) and then what im going to do concerning the internship & graduation. plus i have a depression problem & i need to start fixing that, and i hate college/being in boston. its just ... alot. sigh.

is this week over yet?

oh my god its wednesday and it REALLY needs to be friday for the well-being of my sanity. ahhh. ive been running myself into the ground in like EVERY aspect of life since monday.

today was particularly insane. first off, the past two days i burned an honorable 2,500 calories in the gym. last nights workout was awesome, i totally killed it lol. good times. but this morning was just horrible. i only burned 950 & i had to RUSH back to the apt & then off to class wiht like 10 minutes downtime. until 6 i only had consumed 280 calories because i was not in the apartment for more than 10 minutes AND had noooo downtime in between that. i mean it was just crazy. i was in such a bad mood up until 20 minutes ago. but i wont be able to relax for long because i gotta get myself back to the gym to burn the rest of the calories. i think i might just burn 2,000 today, its still a good turnout and honestly i just am soo tired. but we;ll see.

okay also i peeked at the scale tuesday and it said 217.6. so i was happy with that! that means i was back to where i was prior to crashing and burning & then a week of sickness so i couldnt really make a dent in anything. soo yay. plus that was before i went to the bathroom (TMI?) and after all the work i put in tuesday, today & planning to put in tomorrow, i should be pretty golden. at least i will have a loss. tomorrow im just gonna down a few slimfasts & call it a day. im going home tomorrow night THANK GOD! ill skip class friday i really dont care. i just cant take it anymore lol. anyway wish me luck cause i still gotta get through tomorrow... & its brutal for some reason haha.

change of pace

okay so i got to the gym & was sooo exhausted... i realized i cant possibly go at a pace like this & it might even sabotage me... sooo the NEW PLAN OF ACTION:!

burn 2,500 at the gym

eat 1,200

which is a appx total of 2800 burned. :) and any extra i can squeeze outta me is bonus points.

im still really nervous for WI though... ah.

just a little bit! R E S P E C T

so i kept a visual of that monokini in my head when i was working out today lol. it totally helped. and i have to say i look damn good in that suit! haha.

ive gone to the gym twice already, now i just gotta get up the energy to go for the 3rd & final time. im sooo exhausted haha i just want to be done with the day. but its not a reality cause its only 7;15 & ive gotta read for tomorrow, and whatever. i also have not done enough worrying for the day. bleh. im kind of nervous for the future; like... it scares me thinking that okay, im graduating in may, its october... what do i have to do now to get ready & set everytihng up... its intimidating. i just want to emerse myself in losing weight & improving my mood but theres soo much more bigger things to get done & im just super intimidated & not up to it. im scared. thats definitely the way to describe it. just not interested in being so anxious all the time, i wanna just IGNORE it.... i wish this responsibility would go away haha. yeahh okayyy fat chance.. emphasis on the fat.

so lets go back to weightloss! im super nervous for WI this week, i didnt weihg myself last week cause i was sick & i was so off plan last weekend that i didnt wanna know, also it was my time of the month. but yeah this week i wanna see more results. ! like im sick of busting my ass & not really seeing as big losses as i feel like i should. but hopefully ill pull myself out of the slump this week. thats why i went to the gym twice already, i wanna try to go three times every day, burning 1000 each time, and that makes 3,000 total. and im also cutting my caloric intake to 1,000. WHICH , for all you math majors out there, makes a total of 2,000 calories burned @ the gym, PLUS 1,500 which i burn just existing. so thats a grand total of 3,500. a lb. per day. so yeah i hope this works out or ill be super exhausted & starved for nothing come friday lol.

alright, im gonna finish watching this episode of trading spouses & then muster up enough energy to get my butt to the gym. MONOOOKINIIIII !!!

mono... kini?

monokinimonokinimonokini.

!!!!

i may be alone in this but i LOVE monokinis. haha. and mydream is to one day be able to wear one & not incite riots. lol.

im FINALLY getting over my illness. thank god. now that thats over i really need to step up my game this week. i am so scared that i wont lose any weight. i dont want this to be like last semester. ugh. i mean it wont, i keep telling myself that even if this fridays WI is disappointing it wont be like last semester because this time i am making a conscious effort to rise above this mess. this weeknd i had no binging incidents at all, obviously. i guess it really is just being with people & smoking. like. its kind of an indulgence issue. i just let go & let myself go wild & it fucking sucks. well im not doing that next weeknd, i can assure you :) ive just learned its not worth it., this morning i was loooking into the mirror & i actually liked what i saw. i always want to look like that on a sunday morning, not a bloated chubster MESS! ahhh. so yeah, gotta keep this up. MONOKINIIIIIII!

i can do anything.

soo of course i woke up a little bit sicker this morning. haha. spent the day drinking nyquil & trying not to cough in classes. it sucked. but its over now & i hope ill be better tomorrow. at least i better be good on friday.

uh totally unrelated but it hit me today how big coco is getting! shes not a little baby cat anymore... shes huge. okay not huge.... medium sized. shes like 9 months old now! wowow.

also unrelated- one of my neighbors either has a new musical hobby or blew a ton of $$ on a kickass sound system, but its damn annoying . AND they never ever start it up til its at least 11 pm. what gives? bleh. always right before i start to wind it up to go to bed. & the poor coconut was sleeping but now her eyes are halfopen in what looks like disbelief/pain from the booming bass. :(

okay so listen to this. somehow i figured alot of shit out today. okay not really. i REFINED some of my thoughts. here they are in fun list form!!!

1. i am a food addict, i need to break my addiction. period.

this is super important. i am finally realizing that this isnt something i can run from anymore. or just deal with binges as they happen. they cant happen. obviously there will be relapses but before it was more like 'okay, im going to be good good good for as long as i can until i fall on my face but then once im down i might as well smush my face deeper into the mud' but now im like 'i better not fall. & if i fall, i get back up & try damn hard never to go there again." its not cool. its not alright. it is ruling my life & guess what i want my life to be ruled by the strongest part of me, not the weakest. addiction sucks. fight the power, yo. its my personal revolution , ffff politiks.

2. life is ongoing.

ive been driving myself so crazy thinking about evrything i am dissatisfied with in my life. i have this theory that mylife is split into two worlds, boston & new jersey. in one, boston, i have structure & im losing weight and i am a grownup living alone fending for myself. survival biotches! in the second, back home, i have everyone i love. i live where i love. its my heart. so these two , by themselves, are NOT enough. at all. i need both of the elements of each to come together, which they will when i graduate. may 1st is the first day of my new life. or at least the last day of my old life. okay, NO. its the celebration of my old life & new life. haha. perfectionnn. i cant wait to be the person i want to be. college graduate, job i like, MY perfect body, living not at home... probably with a roommate or two. we'll have to see where it all goes. its not gonna be easy but its sure as hell gonna be fun. & better than this limbo im in.

3. my life is a construction zone!

i can deal with the limbo. its necessary to get to the life i ultimately want. i am not going to dwell on things i cant control. i am not going to agonize over whether or not im missing out on something at home. i am where i am, doing what i do, so that later i can be the best me. :) if i dont sacrifice now i will never get what i want. id rather spend the next 6 months in less than perfect conditions so that i can get the best possible outcome after that.

4. there is ultimately one 'right' guy for me,

and it is highly doubtful i have met him yet. the one i have been preoccupied with lately just isnt. & its crazy because okay i knew he wasnt right right right for me before, but i like to deny these things. & yeah, ill settle. cause i guess i figure im not in it for MARRIAGe, like im 21 & i wouldnt mind a few relationships before i find the last one, but thats not cool. settling. my mom always says to find someone who NEEDS you & would do ANYTHING for you & fuck it shes right! i want someone to treat me like my dad treats my mom. nothing less period.

:) THINKIN POSITIVE, OHH YEAHhhhHHh.

& i also discovered that i want to feel sexy. i never have. I WILL.

sort this out on your own time

so on friday i was down -1.4 lbs, to 217.6 KINDA lame, but yeah. then i was determined to stay OP this weekend & just could not keep it together :( it sucks. and since it was a 3 day weekend i made the mistake of staying home sunday & overeating AGAIN sunday too.

well im making steps to recovery... i only ate 130 calories yesterday, but only burned 1400 @ the gym. then today my calorie cap is 700. & im going to try to workout as hard as i can but of course this morning i woke up sick. AND ive got my period so im hoping that goes away & doesnt have any effect on my next WI. although im staying here in boston this weekend so ill probably weigh myself on saturday instead of friday. just so i can get one extra day after the disaster of colombus day weekend 08. oh, i named it. it was that bad. sigh.

I BETTER GET BETTER. i hate being sick!

ive got potential

god forbid i be able to go to sleep when i want! grrr. sorry its just SUPER annoying when i am beyond exhausted & just want to wake up and begin my awesome day that is friday but i just cant stop my mind from racing. :( i used to take tylenol pms like it was my job but i dont think thats such a great idea. plus i dont have any right now LOL.

"tomorrow" is WI, or rather WI is in 8 hrs. lovely. i worked my BUTT off "today." CHECK IT: i burned 3,000 calories at the gym. OH YES. that is no typo. haha. i went 3 times. first i burned 1300, then 400, then another 1,300. INTENSE. i got up to 2600 and i was like DONE. but then i kept urging myself to keep going and i did somehow. crazy. i can do that, kinda trick myself into doing things. for someone whos quite terrible @ math i really get fixated on numbers.

anyway this better reflect on the scale.

no binging this weekend. or ever. im trying to break the addiction andd bad cycle. i guess i just realized how sick it is. whatever.

im so tired... try for bed again?

take your time, take a breath.

whew. so.

yesterday was tough. i realized alot of things, & im just trying to move forward away from being so negative.

it was only a few weeks of it really culminating, & i tend to think barely anyoe else noticed besides a select few, but I noticed. i wasn thappy. im not just magically happy now, but i want to make a sincere effort to PLAY happy. fake it til you make it. look on the bright side. i made a promise to myself at the end of august to look on the bright side. i havent in the least, ever since ive been lamenting the dark, dismal side. that side will always be there, & it sucks. so why focus on the bad? i am blessed in alot of ways & even if i cant see that in a moment, i cant deny that i have a real chance to make the best of my life & my situation. im only getting better. :) so is life.

back to the diet.... its only monday & im already super nervous for friday';s WI. i lost 1.8 lbs last week but im just scared i wont lose this week... oir it wont be that great of a loss. to tell you the truth 1.8 is a bit disappointing at this point. but im eating like a pig on weekends so i dot know what else to say to myself. except to TRY TRY TRY harder next time.

but friday i was OP just like i promised myself . 1700 calories was my cap & i was approx 1685. so woot! mission accomplished.

saturday was less than stellar.

i want to make a change this weekend. but first, to get through the week...

oh no...

i feel so alone.
you might think this has nothing to do with weight loss and so shouldnt be in this blog, but you're wrong. feelings affect this.


although now im just writing to get it out. to someone. im so alone. i fucked up so royally the last few weeks letting myself grow so so bitter & poisonous. it affects so deeply my relationships with people around me. so i have no one around me up here, as always. and the people i care about are all distant. in nj. so literal distance... & emotional. i was pushing everyone away like it was my MISSION. i thought it was the right thing to be doing, thats whats so crazy. iw as becoming so numb. but here i am snapping out of it & now the damage is done. i dont know what to do. & only one person to ask, having dethroned the other ones. & shes not picking up her phone.


i am such a screw-up. i really fucked up.

YEAH I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT!

omg today ive been going going going NONSTOP! ive barely had time to breathe... but at least i got to the first gym visit , & ive been watching my calorie intake. im going to drink 660 of the calories for today in orange juice, cause this way it runs out of me by tomorrow. woo! plus i just dont have time to do anything else lol. anyywayyyy. i BETTER lose lose lose tomorrow cause ive been BUSTING my butt off haha. literally we hope.

tomorrow's also tante's 95th birthday! wow crazy. & the woman eats nothing but potatoes, so good for her haha. i love her. :) i feel lie i havent spent enough time with them lately... at all.. i mean its not just a feeling i KNOW it but yeah. whenever i have the time im gonna try.

and since its her 95th birthday, a MILESTONE, im going to make a pledge (to myself) to stay OP tomorrow. im gonna set a calorie bar, not sure how much yet, but yeah. i wont go past it. after all shes been through in her life & everything shes overcome, if i cant be healthy tomorrow its a damn shame.

tomorrow's also AWESOME because we're going out for jen's birthday , & i get to see matt & jen & mike... yeah mike. well. ive been kinda tormented by that lately. wow tormented is a strong word. but whatever i dont care, maybe itll be like it used to be... we'll see! if not i survive, i always do. no matter how many we lose haha. woot.

what you know about that?

woo. i have been BUSTING my butt all week! i hope it pays off. god it better haha. well regardless i am staying ON TRACK this weekend. :) i can do it! firsti just gotta get through tonight & tomorrow.... god i wish it was friday right now, schoolwork is starting to pick up.

anyway i just want to at least lose 1 lb this week. thats all i ask. okay maybe i WANT more. but i think if i only lose 1 lb i should be happy because i was a bad bad girl last weekend. & thatll show me. haha. but please dont show me.. i repent, i swear!

thats all i suppose :) ciaooo