on and on...

binge eating & depression suck. its a bitch that i happen to suffer from both. they definitely dont mix well. or they mix TOO well. take your pick.

bleh im going to live to regret this...

ugh

bleh. i guess i should start out with good news, but it might kind of make the rest of my post look whiny and dumb. but we'll risk it. last friday i weighed in at 203.7! whcih was really great. so yay!

okay back to my immediate reason for coming here. today was a bust! i felt horribly fat and exposed all day. okay, mostly at the end of it, when i went to my last class (i also have a semi-crush on this guy in that class, too). i dunno. katie was here for the last three days (her spring break) and i felt like the whole time she had to reassure me that i didnt look like an elephant that escaped from the zoo. obviously i will never buy into someone trying to tell me im thin and fine , or whatever, but ive come so far and i really cant ever feel entirely happy with where i am until im THERE, wherever my happy body image is. god. i just cant help but feel like i might never be satisfied with myself. body, mind, personality, actions, whatever. im always so hard on myself. i just feel like i come short in every area. bleh.

i dont know, must keep going. somewhere. cant stay here, lol...

ppppump it up!

so friday, my WI day, i got my period. i must have retained like a TON of water weight, because not only did i not lose (and i was SUPER OP & good the whole week) but i GAINED 5 lbs! the scale said 211.2. i was SHocked and pissed, but i got over it, figuring it was just TOM. which it HAS to be, theres just no way i gained 5 lbs in 5 days. ridiculous.

ive been thinking about weight-loss/dietary pills for a while, running the thought through my head. at first i was really reluctant because i am losing weight without it, and i dont want to even entertain the thought of gaining it all back when i get off the pill. but after talking to fisz this weekend, i came to the conclusion that ill try it. first off, i know i can lose weight without it so its not like a crutch and total fake weight-loss. second, i need to do something different to break through my plateau. and to work out any harder id have to LIVE at the gym.literally. im already there twice a day. third, the fear of gaining it back is real, but at the same time i work REALLY hard to maintain and lose what ive lost already, im not just a lazy shmuck who will let it all come back. so we went to GNC and i bought hydroxycut for women. im trying it out this week. im working out just as hard as ever, dieting too. everything should go smoothly and i just hope it gives me the boost i need and have been missing for the past few months.

i am a shopping fiend.

haha i didnt even fufill my bag goal and im already scoping out candidates for the next prize. some girl on the WW boards posted about a link to a dress on wetseal.com and now im obsessed with all of the dresses they have. haha.

im thinking ill give this one to myself when i hit 190. :) yay summer!

in the summer in the spring; in public places

*DROOL*

OBVIOUSLY im going to have to work this into my rewards system :) i havent done that in awhile so yay. but this bag is just SO cute and perfect for spring and summer.

let's see... the first weight starting with a 1. ! omg i can't wait for that day.

bring on the sunshine!

i got my kitten yesterday! she is a LUNATIC super hero cat. i love her. except for the fact that i am up at 7:07 due entirely to her jumping on top of me for an hour. ridiculous!

anyway, i think i came to the realization yesterday that i really need to stay OP for longer than a week. and try to actually live through the weekends like im trying to stay OP. so far ive just been letting myself go as if its a free for all, but its really stopped working because of that. i need to realize it and i dont want to go bloating myself up every week. its stunting my progress and i dont want to regret it this summer when i could have been enjoying my efforts.

so i guess my goal is to just stay OP as much as possible. and taking it one day at a time.

across the ocean

dear thighs:

GO AWAY! okay, not completely, because you connect my legs to my waist, and do lots of other useful things, including making it possible to ski, but for the love of GOD! you're far too squishy for bathingsuit season. my ultimate goal is that you will shrink down so i can be happy with you! not to mention feel good in a pair of shorts.

i want to wear shorts this summer and feel COMFORTABLE and in-control. :) please self, work away those thighs!

whew!

whew! i am sooo tired right now. im at killington, by myself just skiing for a few days. its kinda cool, just like at school except im on VACATION and i ski instead of go to classes. uhhh, does it get any better?

anyway, what to say... last week i lost 3 pounds, and i hope this week i lose again though idk cause i spent the past 5 days smoking and eating. of course. hah. its pretty awful but whatevr , i have to deal with the things i do.

totally unrelated, i skiied down a double-black diamond today! it was crazyy, i cant believe i just went for it. haha. of course it took me like 10 minutes to get down,and i fell like 3 times and once a woman had to help me put my skis back on (it was so steep i kept sliding down the mountain, even when i was laying down grasping at anything hahah). it was funny though. and i wasnt scared at all. its crazy, i was always SO scared of steepness and speed but its like.. none of that matters anymore, im cool with it. as long as i eventually get down, and its not life-threatening situation. haha. so i feel pretty good about that.

emotionally im a crazy bitch haha. i dunno. yesterday i had another breakdown... which is not here today, bleh. i dont know, i really need to see a therapist, i GET IT haha i just put it off to tackle more important things (at the moment...) i know, whats more important than my mental health. but i guess to me keeping everything together while i fix it is a must. i cant just stop my life to fix a little emotional imbalance. thatd be dumb, and add more problems. ive seen that happen to people... anyway, i should really go study logic. i failed my last quiz. 51. it was good times haha.