ughhh. i am such a pig! i totally binged tonight out of boredom & patheticocity. i dunno. i just feel like crap now & i knew i would, thats the kicker. i dont want to be fat . :( i shouldnt have done this obviously but yeah. it happens. i really wish i could find a way that it would never ever happen but this is me. i am a binge eater. i am a food addict. what can i do? i wish it wasnt me so bad. i would kill to be someone who really doesnt need to eat, just does it to live. its crazy. :\ anyway whatever. i am starting over tomorrow. i am going to drag myself to the gym even if i am still sick. i dont care, this flu cant rule me anymore. people will have to deal with my cough. toughhhhh.
my best friend katie is getting surgery on thursday. she's getting the lap band. its crazy. its cool for her & im really glad shes getting this opportunity, but still its crazy to think about. in fact i really havent thought about it much. i think i thought about nicky's when she got her gastric bypass way more. like with katie i keep forgetting. i dunno! sometimes im jealous. like. i am not elligible to get any of the surgeries anymore. and obviously thats a great thing! but i dunno sometimes... days like this... ive only just broken out of my plateau ... i feel like it takes me sooo long to get anywhere & then i fucking binge & ruin where ive gotten. so theyre the same way but by getting the surgeries theyre able to stop it more concretely. all i can do is hope i can control myself. its terrible. i hate this!!! urghghhghg. i feel like a fat slob.
thats terrible. i hate admitting that.
i hate feeling this way about myself. i miss feeling proud and happy with my body & my athleticism & where ive gotten! i thought this fall i would feel lie that again, like i did last fall but so far no i still feel like shit.
No comments:
Post a Comment