struggugglugglin

i think im going to start writing in this more often. so many things i dont say out loud or on paper but im thinking them all the time. important things to my weightloss.

i guess im just trying to stay afloat. there are times when im so gung-ho about kickin some ass and losing the weight, being serious about it and all. then i just fail. i guess its when i hang out with my friends, which is horrible but true... we eat together. i never really acknowledged that but thats what we do. when we're bored. when we're not bored. when we're hungry or not hungry. upset, happy, we eat. its bad. its a cycle. i guess i just get scared... when ive been good all day adn then i know im going to hang out with them that night or that weekend... im scared cause i know im doomed. or i feel that i might be. its kind of like sliding down a slippery slope. trying really hard to dig my feet in when i know itd be so easier just to let go and deal with the wreckage the next day. :(

the THING IS, i dont want to be wreckage to deal with anymore. i want to be a whole, fresh, strong person. i KNOW i am, i am sometimes already! i just dont want to be collapsible at any moment into this pathetic, sloppy, weak girl i know i can be. i demand perfection and then am too lazy to achieve it. this is a cycle that i hate but i am too weak to break from right now. i mean IM TRYING, today is a new day and i am breaking free, im broken from it right now. i can make it through the week, easy. but ask me about nxt week, then im not so sure. ask me about friday, god knows what could go wrong this weekend to set me off. to make me eat. to force me to turn to food. its sick.

i bought this book yesterday, called confessions of a carb queen. its about this really obese woman and how she struggled with food and being overweight and then eventually how she lost it. well im only at the part where she is struggling. and it just makes me ill to hear about how she runs to food and how she gorges herself with it. i think of it as perfect ammunition against my own addiction. then last night hit and i binged, i mean, a slight binge but still. i dont want to be her, i know im not 460 lbs, 35 years old but I COULD BE. i mean inside im just like her. inside i am gaining hundreds of pounds with every reeses cup. i am as insecure and as sick as she is, was, whatever. i mean there is a silver lining, i lost 100 lbs, she beat her addiction, im trying to overcome mine. its a work in progress. but i cant fake it all the way through the day and then at night lose control. its not WORTH IT. but if i was a coke addict, i couldnt just give up when i go back for the hit after days of staying clean. you have to try AGAin. you try again until you fail, or you die. im dying emotionally, this is who i am... i need to heal myself. literally. im serious.

im going to. you can know that for sure. this is a disease and you have to fight it. period.