are you surprised?

so i did it AGAIN. i binged this weekend! ugh. i mean its tuesday again so ive moved past it, yesterday was great. but whyyy did i do that to myself? anyway. moving on past the negativityyyy.

this weekend i kept seeing these commercials that said it takes 21 days to form a good habit. sooo maybe thats another motivational tool. today is day 2 :) and on sunday (when i was soo bloated) i took a picture of myself in my underwear, so thats definitely motivating. cause its not what i want to look like. :( its not who i want to be ! and its not who im going to be.

and last night i definitely kept it together pretty well, there was some upsetting crap going on but i didnt binge or even get really moody about it, i have to say i was really surprised with myself haha. maybe not so much the binging, but i wasnt even as upset as i thought i would be. i guess i was just expecting the worst. but honestly the situation was kinda off somehow, it didnt feel right. (okay, basically = guy i like, sort of strung me along (but maybe im naive) now is hooking up with other girl, girl was hanging out with all of us last night). ANYWAY, it wasnt like they were ALL up on top of each other and really happy, or even seemed like they could carry on an interesting conversation, so maybe thats why i dont really care. its like... if the girl isnt prettier , smarter, or better than you in really any way ( okay, so im overweight shes not, but you cant fix your face) it doesnt seem as sad. hahah. its just like, you're an idiot. but she is nice so im not trying to be mean. .... ish.

ANYWAY besides the point. its sad but im feeling better about my life because... i really believe that everything happens for a reason and its all linear, whatever happens does because its SUPPOSED to, and if things dont they arent going to and arent meant to be. kinda sad if you're really hooked on free will (though thats just a concept we made up)... okay not gonna go there. almost got lost in the abyss *whew*

anyway seriously i see how some of my friends fair in relationships and id just rather not. haha. ill wait til someone really likes me, thanks. and is willing to give up being a douche. cause i dont deal with that sort of crap. its just not worth it. plus whatever, im definitely not secure enough in myself yet to have to worry about being good enough for someone else. a boy , no less. they expect nothing less (more?) than size 2 jeans and 0 iq levels. its brilliant, it really is. ill wait. :)